Not Ready

This morning I did something I wasn't sure if I could ever do. I went in for my appointment and Dr. G asked if I wanted to start meds today and transfer the 27th, and I said no. I'm not ready yet. So now the plan is that I will call on cycle day 1 whenever I am ready. I'm all cleared and ready to go whenever that time comes. Our embryos are excellent quality and he thinks our chances are great. The hesitation here is just me. I can't do this with Christmas and everything coming up. I need my sanity right now. Maybe in January. It will be soon, but not today.

Here We Go Again

About the time I was getting used to this whole break thing, it's over. I called Friday to ask if I needed to order meds in advance and to request my calendar for my next cycle. This morning I got a call back saying that Dr. G is unsure of what protocol to use so he wants me to come in Wednesday for an ultrasound and to work on a plan. There's a chance I may start BCP on Wednesday and that would be the beginning of my FET cycle. We could be looking at a transfer within the next 3 weeks! It all just depends on my ultrasound and what we end up deciding is the best course of action. I'm just kind of going with whatever happens. Last time I felt like my life revolved around the ivf process and this time it kind of feels like the ivf is just happening in the background. I'm running again and have goals for that, Madison has her party this weekend, and Christmas is right around the corner. I'm busy and I don't have time to devote everything to ivf right now. It will happen whenever the time is right and we will just throw it in the mix. I'm not planning around it though. I hope this works, but I'm willing to keep going forward if it doesn't.

Keep On Keeping On

It's been rather quiet around here lately! December is always a crazy month, and this year is no exception, but there's still a sense of calm because there are no doctors appointments, shots, or procedures scheduled in the immediate future. Our life isn't constantly being timed around Dr. G's schedule or phone calls from nurses. I think we really needed this break from the insanity. I need to call and figure out when to order meds again (my pharmacy is in New Jersey so I'm still having to order way in advance because they were pretty badly hit by Sandy) and I'll need to have an ultrasound soon-ish to verify that the 2 small cysts I had on my left ovary are gone before we proceed as well. When we do our FET cycle I only have to go in 4 times! Initial ultrasound, labs and ultrasound around day 11, transfer, and beta. They just thaw them and put them in. I'll still get stuck with needles every day for a while (progesterone) and I'll need estrogen (should be fun since that's what sets my blood pressure off…), but in general it's a pretty easy cycle. If it fails, we won't do a fresh cycle until March or April. I was considering putting off our frozen cycle until March, but the kids have been all over me about it lately. They really want a baby and lots of their classmates have new infant siblings so I know it's been hard for them. Even though Jack doesn't really understand it all yet, he knows we have to go to the doctor's office a lot to have a baby and he knows we haven't been for a few weeks. He asked me about it yesterday and I told him the lab is closed this month so we just have to wait. I said we were thinking about waiting until February before going back and he asked me why. I told him it's just a lot for mommy to go through and we have some things coming up that I don't want to miss out on because of doctors appointments. His answer to me was profound beyond his years and now I can't stop thinking about it. My 6 year old told me that we can't just stop doing something because it's hard and we're scared. That child I swear sees right through me sometimes. He's right on so many levels about this. We aren't getting any younger, and although my AMH level was a perfect 4, my eggs that were retrieved were not perfect. We are fighting an invisible clock and putting things on hold at this point is not a good idea. Being scared that it won't work is not a good reason to put things on hold and let the clock keep ticking. My body is not ready yet right now. This wasn't a failed cycle, it was a miscarriage. We needed to wait 1 full cycle, and then it just happened that they close the lab for the last 2 weeks of December for cleaning. The absolute soonest we can cycle is January at this point. It just depends on how things work out with my cycle and if I'll need to do suppression this time whether our transfer ends up being in January or February. But the bright side is that if it fails, we can do a fresh cycle almost immediately. A frozen cycle doesn't involve your ovaries so I can go straight to birth control pills after a negative beta and begin suppressing and do another retrieval and transfer in March/April. We are just setting aside the money as we have it just in case. 

I had an awesome run yesterday that I was pretty proud of. Since I had to take several weeks off, getting started again has been a challenge. I get frustrated because I can't run as fast or as far as I could before so I'm constantly pushing to try to get back to that point. Yesterday I did 3.1 miles in 38 minutes.  That's certainly not fast or terribly far, but I've learned from experience that as soon as I can run that 3.1 miles in 33 minutes, I can push my distance farther. My all time fastest 5K was 28 minutes, but that was a few years ago and I was running an indoor track. I don't have that luxury now. It's either outside or the treadmill. OMG I hate the treadmill. I've learned to be ok running on a treadmill, but it's not really my preference.

So that's it. I'm running, I'm dieting, and I'm going to keep plugging along at this baby thing. Time is going to keep passing one way or another so I may as well do something productive while it keeps passing.

WW Week 1

This last week has been great diet-wise. I'm honestly really liking WW and don't feel like I'm on a diet or struggling at all. Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, but as of Friday I was already down 2.4 pounds. I ran Mon/Weds/Fri and walked Tues/Thurs. I was dying during my run Friday and could not figure out what was wrong, but ended up sick over the weekend so now I know. I didn't work out all weekend and may not today. My throat is killing me and I'm so exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 last night. I missed Dexter and Walking Dead! We will have to catch up tonight!

Also, today my big girl turned 8. It's horribly depressing really. Only one more single digit birthday left for her! Eek!

Recipe Book

This has been my project this week. I made my own recipe book of favorites and new ones I want to try. I have 3 months of recipes to make now. :)

We have also decided we are not cycling again until at least February for sure. That would give us an October baby. If that doesn't work then we will do another fresh cycle in May. I would want to do it before the kids were home for summer. It's too much work to drag them with me every time I go in. Just planning ahead.

Ugh

Today I signed up for WW online again. I didn't do it willingly though. I would say I did it kicking and screaming, but knowing it's what I need right now. With IVF, pregnancy, and a miscarriage, my body is just out of whack. Calorie counting isn't cutting it right now and I'm doing at least 3 miles on the treadmill every day plus strength training 3 days a week. Something had to give and I know many people who have had success with WW. I've done it in the past with success myself so I KNOW it works. I just hate paying for things I think I should be able to do for free.

I must also say that today is the day my period should have started if it were a normal cycle. Gotta love when your phone ridicules you without trying. The message said, "Your period should arrive today" but what I read was, "Hey your period should be here today, but it won't be. Because you WERE pregnant and it fucked everything up so who knows when it will actually arrive." Yippee. Since I shouldn't have ovulated until 2 weeks after my beta was zero, then I suppose I probably won't see my period for at least another week or so. That's fine by me. I had enough bleeding last month to last a lifetime. On a related note, I don't know if we will cycle in January at this point. We are running a race February 1st and I don't want to be a mess from IVF, or pregnant. I don't know. I want to cycle. I want a baby. What I don't want is another failed cycle or miscarriage. I'm just not ready for that yet. I think I'm better off waiting to cycle when I can handle another failure. That may sound really depressing, but it's true. The odds aren't great for a frozen cycle and my odds aren't great in general. I'm not really thinking about it quite yet because I'm not ready to go there. When we are ready, we'll do it. Those embryos aren't going anywhere.

Mama's Got New Shoes!

You know what makes me happy right now? Putting on my headphones and running like there's no tomorrow. The scale is NOT cooperating right now and I kind of have this attitude that the scale can suck it. I don't even care. I like to run. More than that, I like training for something. I don't know if I'll get pregnant next year. I don't know if I'll have a baby anytime soon. What I do know is that I'm not going to just sit around and be miserable until it happens. This whole getting pregnant and having babies business has never been easy for us, and I didn't expect that to start now. I'm stubborn enough and we want it enough that we will just keep plugging along until it works. Realistically, we will have 3-4 chances in 2013. A typical IVF cycle is about 8 weeks, then a 2 month break if it doesn't work. When I stepped back and thought about it, that's really not very many cycles in one year! Instead of focusing my life entirely on my reproductive organs, I am choosing to do what I know I can. We are signed up for a Graffiti Run February 1st. By we, I mean the whole family. Kids and all. There is a race almost every month, but these are the ones I have my eye on:

1. Graffiti Run 2/1
2. Hot Chocolate Run 2/9
3. Firefly Run 3/23
4. Color Run 4/6
5. Too Hot To Handle 7/14
6. Race for the Cure 10/19
7. Turkey Trot 11/28
8. Glow Run (Nov)
9. Frosty 5K (Dec)
10. Dallas Marathon (half) (Dec)

I'm not dumb enough to plan many summer runs. :) I'm sure I can find one in May and September, but nothing has caught my eye yet. My goal, and it may not happen in 2013, is to run a race every month for a whole year. It's doable, just expensive! I will have quite the collection of t-shirts though! This is something I CAN do. I can't force my body to have a baby, but I can force it to keep moving forward towards that Marathon next December! Maybe I'll get brave and run the whole thing! Right now I'm really just aiming for the half because the idea of running 26 miles just isn't all that appealing. I won't even drive 26 miles to go somewhere without complaining it's too far. :)

Moving Forward

I've been taking a few days to just process things and get myself together. I think in general I have handled this miscarriage better than other times it has happened. I have learned to trust my instincts when something doesn't feel right and I kind of saw it coming. It's still hard and it's still a daily battle with myself over 'what went wrong.' My doctor made the comment that maybe my blood pressure was to blame and we should watch it more closely next time. I know that isn't the issue. I checked it every day and it was no where near high enough for it to be an issue. I'm not buying it. It's just the only thing that 'went wrong' so that is what they want to blame. Most likely it was just a chromosomal issue and wasn't compatible with life. It is what it is and we have to move forward at this point.

That brings me to now. I have lost a whopping 5-ish pounds of the 25 I gained. I have to bust my ass until January in order to cycle again. That means there is no room for error. I can't eat out more than once a week. I have to run 5 days a week. I cannot screw up for 2 days and gain back everything I lost throughout the week. I want a baby more than I want to eat that crap or take a break from running. It sucks because I have to say no a lot. I have to tell my husband no when he wants to go out to eat this week because he's home. I have to say no to friends who want to have lunch with me at our favorite places. I have to say no when the kids want frozen yogurt or ice cream. I feel like I am constantly saying no. Anyone around me who knows how much I want another child or who wants me to be able to succeed at getting pregnant will understand. If they don't understand then they obviously don't get it. I will lose the weight because it increases my chance of success. Every pound counts. I'm losing 1.5-2 lbs a week right now and I will cycle again when these pounds are gone. The sooner the better!

There is one thing I am saying yes to though. I am running consistently again. I will run some races in the spring if my cycle fails. I can run through an FET cycle except right after transfer. It's only 10 days. I can run while pregnant or obviously if it fails. I just can't run those 10 days until we get a good beta. The evil progesterone is what caused 15 pounds of my weight gain so I'm dreading that again. That's why losing this weight isn't optional. I can't keep these 20 lbs and gain 15 more next cycle. It really decreases my chances and we are investing a lot of money and hope in this process. I need any help I can get.

So if I say no to joining you for a meal because I had to say yes to a healthy body for next cycle, I'm not sorry. I'm doing the one and only thing I have control of in this process to help it succeed. I have 2 'babies' on ice that need me to do this. Just like with my 2 living children, I would do anything to give them the best chance in life. Yes, it sucks. It's totally worth it though. My children prove it to me every day.

OMG the Workouts

After my appointment yesterday I vowed to come home and lose the weight I gained this cycle so we can do it all over again. My doctor gave me the okay to workout, just no running until the bleeding stops. I can jog for short distances and that's really all I'm capable of right now anyways. My workout yesterday was brutal. I hurt and I'm exhausted so I was just going through the motions. I can't spend more than 20 minutes on the treadmill without taking a break. The cramping gets too bad and I have to rest for a while before getting back on. It took me almost 2 hours to get in a full workout because I had to stop a lot. I had a kid home sick so I had nothing better to do anyways. I am writing this during my halftime of today's workout. I made it 30 minutes on the treadmill and will hop back on in a bit to finish. I can't push myself too hard right now. My body has been through hell and back the last 3 months. I need time to heal and get my body ready for round 2. This week I'm taking extra iron to help deal with the blood loss, but nothing else. This is the first time in months that I haven't been taking pills and/or shots. I'm over it. I just want a week of taking nothing.

Not Now

I almost feel guilty for saying it, but I feel relieved. My beta dropped to 52 and the sono showed that my lining was down to a 6 with no signs of an ectopic. I felt from the beginning that something was off and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not the ending I was hoping for, but it could be worse. This shouldn't drag on forever and we will cycle again after I have a cycle to let my body recover. My transfer should be in January. It gives me some time to lose the weight I gained and heal. It is unbelievably frustrating to spend so much money and end up with nothing, but sometimes life just isn't fair. I'm considering it an investment into the baby we do eventually have. I'm not sure how many times I'm willing to do this, but the next cycle will be frozen (much easier) and I would be willing to do another fresh cycle at some point. Just not soon. Right now we are pushing forward and having faith that it will happen. A good friend told me this morning that sometimes when we ask God for something his answer is, "not now." It doesn't mean He's saying never, but it just isn't our time yet and we need to be patient. I'm trying, but patience is not my strong point.

It's Over

I started bleeding this morning and it got much worse throughout the day. Now complete with clots and cramping that is unbearable. I go on Monday to see if I need a D&C, but either way this pregnancy is over. It sucks. My doctor is fabulous and helping me cope the best I can right now. I don't know where to go from here.

5 Weeks

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant! I'm cautiously optimistic that we will bring home at least 1 baby in June at this point. I will feel a lot better after about 8 weeks, but I also don't want to wish time away. Right now I am enjoying being pregnant. I'm exhausted, nauseous, my back is killing me, and I could not be any happier. The kids know we are expecting and that we will know soon how many babies will be joining our family. They have been really good about helping with things and letting Matt do bedtime right now so I can rest. My morning sickness hits about 2 PM and gets worse until bedtime. Every day it gets worse too so I know in about a week I won't be keeping much down. My hips are also both really sore from shots so after we do that each night I am pretty much done. All I can do is lay around with my heating pad for 20 minutes on/20 minutes off until I fall asleep.

I'm counting calories with this pregnancy and that is totally new for me. I didn't pay attention to what I ate at all with either other kid and wasn't concerned about gaining weight. This time I would like to gain about 20 lbs if it is only one baby. I'm eating about 2000 calories (dr recommended), but I still can't workout. I got on the treadmill for 45 minutes the other day, but then I needed a nap! That should get better in a few weeks though. I'd like to stay fairly active so I'm not dying after this kid is born and I try to run again. I haven't been able to run for weeks so I'm sure it will be rough when I start again anyways. I want to up my walking mileage though while pregnant in hopes of running the half next year at the Dallas Marathon. We will see if I can actually pull that off. If I have another c-section I probably won't be able to so I'm pushing for a VBAC. My doctor is awesome and totally ok with it.

That's it. 5 weeks down, 35-ish left!

Beta #3

My beta this morning was 72! The nurse said they were hoping for around 50 so 72 is fantastic. Yay!! I go back Monday and will have an ultrasound after probably a week later.

Beta #2

My beta more than doubled so we are still good. I'm glad he didn't tell me the number Friday because I would have freaked out. My beta was 11 on Friday and 29 today. He said it's probably because my embryos weren't quite blasts when we transferred and may have implanted later. Because I am completely anal about such things I looked up my betas from Madison and they were comparable with this pregnancy. I took a test the day before my period was due and it was negative and I just assumed I wasn't pregnant. A week later I took another test and it was positive so I went in for a beta with Dr. T. My initial beta was 127 and a week after my period was due! If I had done a beta as early as I did with this pregnancy, it would have been extremely low. I'm trying not to worry, but that's easier said than done.

I certainly didn't feel this bad with any pregnancy this early! That is helping me stay sane about this process more than anything. I'm so nauseous and I go back and forth between starving and feeling like I'm going to throw up. I'm extremely tired and dealing with some insomnia issues too. I'm kind of astounded that I feel this bad with such low levels of HCG! I typically start feeling pretty bad when my levels hit about 500+.

We will just keep on keeping on and hope things continue to go well. Another beta on Wednesday, then an ultrasound in about 10 days. I'm seriously just praying for a good outcome right now.

Beta #1

Beta is positive, but low. He said it's within normal and not to worry too much about it. It just matters that it doubles. I go back Monday for a repeat and we will go from there. I'm not feeling very positive about it, but hoping it works out! Dr. G wouldn't give me the number though. He said I worry too much and I didn't need to spend the whole weekend on Google. He knows me too well. So for now I am pregnant and that is step one. He will give me all the numbers on Monday and we will see what happens. I've been on both sides of this and I know pregnancy and miscarriage all too well. I know it can go either way and I'm just along for the ride at this point.

I think I may be...

A little bit pregnant.

8dp5dt

I'm feeling much better today because I'm feeling much worse. That doesn't make much sense, does it? Yesterday a friend and I went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch and it did not settle so well on my stomach. I felt so awful for hours! Then we went to Old Navy and I was just exhausted from walking around the store. I seriously needed a nap after that! I've had this awful headache for a few days that just will.not.go.away and I can't take anything for it unless I'm just desperate. Dr. G apparently hates drugs as much as he hates twins. But anyways, this morning I woke up at 4 (to pee for the 3rd time!) and couldn't go back to sleep because I felt so sick. I felt a lot better after I got up and ate something (the standard grilled cheese and chocolate milk that are staples in my diet this last week), but now I'm even more tired because I didn't sleep well. I still hate progesterone because my backside hurts so bad from these shots. They are seriously killing me. I'm thinking there may be a good reason they are worth it though! I'm actually excited about tomorrow and not dreading it quite so much. Bring on those beta numbers!

7dp5dt

I'm feeling better today. Damn hormones. I seriously hate this progesterone because it makes me crazy. I am still cramping, but I'm also having a lot of nausea. Last night we got Rosa's and it just tasted weird. I normally love it, but it just seemed off somehow. I don't know. I'm also having headaches and weird dreams. Friday cannot get here fast enough right now!

6dp5dt

I'm just not feeling it. I'm fully prepared to not get good news on Friday and I wouldn't be surprised if my period actually showed up before my beta. I'm frustrated and I feel like we have just wasted a lot of money on something that didn't work. I put my faith in the science of this process and didn't give much thought to it just not working. I probably should have gone into this with a different thought process and trusted it a little less. I don't know if we will try again. It's a lot of money and it took several weeks out of my life. If we do choose to do it again it won't be soon and I will go into it hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I need to lose the weight I gained this cycle before I can even consider anything else. That starts Monday. Until then I reserve the right to eat ice cream and pray a miracle happens.

5dp5dt

Today is apparently the day in which I realize that this may not work. I have no reason for thinking this, and I'm probably just freaking out. It's too early to test and I don't want to risk seeing a negative test and enduring that heartache unnecessarily. It's horrible because I have all these hormones in my body that are making me feel pregnant one minute and like I have horrible pms the next. I'm having headaches, I'm exhausted, my sleeping is all messed up, I'm starving and nauseous at the same time, and I have nothing that fits in my entire closet except yoga pants. I really, really suck at waiting. Friday cannot get here fast enough. I just keep thinking I have no idea how I will ever do this again...

2dp5dt

Today I've had some cramping and horrible nausea. Nothing sounds good even when I'm starving. It could just be the progesterone shots, but I seriously feel awful. There better be a couple babies in there growing and causing all this. Otherwise it just sucks.

And speaking of progesterone shots, they are evil. My hip area where I get them hurts so bad it's waking me up several times a night. I'm icing before, alternating spots, using heat after, and none of it helps. If pregnant, these keep going until 10 weeks most likely!! My OB says he'll stop them sooner if Dr. G releases me sooner. The placenta kicks in at 8 weeks so there's really no need for them after that. If its twins he may not risk it though.

1DP5DT

That means 1 day past 5 day transfer. I just got my call from the embryologist and he said we had 2 embryos that weren't looking as good yesterday, but kind of developed a lot overnight and were good to freeze!!! He asked how I was feeling today and I told him I've been very tired, crampy, and had just a bit of spotting this morning and he said those are all fabulous things and could mean the embryos are implanting! He told me some long scientific explanation that often when embryos start to implant your body has an almost allergic reaction to them and that can make you very tired. The body sees them as parasites digging in until they start producing HCG in your system. I kind of stopped listening somewhere around, "well, honestly now I'm kind of concerned that we put both back. Dr. G. hates twins." First of all, I had to laugh because those were the exact last words we heard from Dr. G yesterday. He said, "I hope this works. I believe it will, but, no twins. I hate twins." It's very odd for a doctor in this specialty to hate multiple pregnancies so much. It just cracks me up to hear him say it in his thick German accent. And then you have the embryologist that is so soft spoken and really just wants a good outcome for everyone. You can tell he truly loves his job and this is his calling in life.

So that's all I've got for today. It's going to be a looonnng wait to see if this worked!

The First Photo

2 Embryos

Today we put back 2 embryos. We all were in agreement that we would most likely only put back 1, but the embryologist (one of the top 10 internationally) said we only had 2 that were worth transferring so we should put back both. Neither is perfect, but both are good quality and have separate placental cells. Now I'm on bedrest for the next couple of days.

If this doesn't work we will be done for a while. We most likely won't be able to freeze the last 2 (not great quality) and I'm not willing to do this all again anytime soon. It's just too hard to have your life constantly on hold. So any prayers you could send our way would be greatly appreciated!

If It Doesn't Work

-We will go to Disney next year
-Matt and I will take a trip alone next year
-I will start training for a half marathon
-I will go get my hair cut and colored
-I will cry, but be thankful for the 2 kids I already have.
-I probably wouldn't do IVF again. I would try a frozen cycle if we had some frozen though.
-I will do some snorkeling on our cruise next month.

I am hopeful and optimistic this will work, but I also need to have a back-up plan. I am so ready to be off this roller coaster right now. The next 10 days just cannot go fast enough.

Report 3

Today is day 3 and I impatiently waited all day by the phone to hear if I would be coming in today for a 3 day transfer or waiting until Wednesday. I finally was able to breathe around 11 AM because they schedule transfers at noon and he promised to give me a couple hours warning. The embryologist just called to say we still have 6 embryos. 2 of them are growing a bit more slowly with only 3 and 4 cells, but we also have an 8 cell, 7 cell, and 2 6 cells. He said the top 4 all look perfect and he's very pleased with them. He said it will be a last minute call on Wednesday whether we transfer 1 or 2, just depending on what we have then. Yay!!

I'll update after transfer!

Confession Time

1. I ate 8 mini Reese's pumpkins. Because I thought a hot fudge sundae was too many calories. Sigh.
2. I took a nap today while my kids destroyed the house.
3. I spent way too much on Halloween decor this year. The kids are at an awesome age for it. I love our skull head that bleeds. It's very cool.
5. I miss running. A lot.
6. I haven't worked out for 5 days and can't until I get a positive test or negative blood test in 12 days.
7. Matt giving me shots is way worse than doing them myself. He stresses out about it. Just shove the damn thing in already!
8. My boobs are huge and hurt so bad. It's awful. Damn progesterone.
9. I am a nervous wreck right now just waiting for all of this.
10. I would do this a million times if I had to because I know what the end result is and I know it's worth all of it.

Report 2

Today we have 6 embryos growing normally. Everything is still looking good. Now it's just waiting until Monday to hear when we will transfer. I hate waiting.

Report 1

8 are fertilized and growing. The embryologist was thrilled with this number so I am too!

Eggs Are Out of the Basket

I am home and all is good. I'm kind of sore, a little tired, and pretty bloated. I'm pretty sure he said I have 10 usable eggs, but I have no idea how many I had total. We will get a fertilization report tomorrow.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I was really nervous about the whole ordeal, and I'm very relieved its over. They knocked me out as soon as I got on the table and I woke up just crampy and tired. I slept for a while after and then we went to Starbucks and came home. Now I'm on the couch for the rest of the day.

'Twas the Night Before Egg Retrieval...

...and Mama is a nervous wreck. Actually, I've been trying not to think about it. I wouldn't say it's going all that well at the moment. The surgery center called to go over all my instructions, I talked to my nurse about some med questions, and everything is ready to go so we can walk out the door at 6:30 in the morning. The kids will have to go with us so Matt can drop me off, take them to school, and then come back to wait for me. We should be all done and home by 10 AM and then I plan on sitting my butt on the couch for the rest of the day.

I figured out why my anxiety level is crazy high at the moment. I think it's because right now I have something to hope for and I'm optimistic that it will work. I'm terrified of having that ripped out from under me. I know we can do a frozen cycle if this one doesn't work most likely and that eventually with enough time and money we will be able to have a baby. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that it might not work. My doctor seems optimistic and there's no reason to believe it won't work, but there's not anything else we can do to increase our odds at this point. I'm just afraid of not having that hope to hold on to. I know from everything we did to get Madison that once you have a failed cycle you lose some of that ignorance where you think things will work out fine. Ignorance truly is bliss sometimes.

The Call

I just got off the phone with my lovely nurse and my eggs are all ripened up and ready to get busted out of there. She said something more medical like,"your E2 level looks great and we are going ahead with a Friday retrieval." We spent 20 minutes discussing the pros and cons of doing it Friday vs Saturday at my appointment this morning so I have been waiting all day for Dr. G to tell me what I'm doing. I am all set for 8 on Friday morning (which is tricky since kids have to be at school by 7:30) and I only have one last night of shots in the stomach before we switch to muscular ones in a few days. Yay! On the other hand, I am scared shitless. This just got very real and in a few days we will have embryos that will hopefully grow into human children that wreck havoc on my sanity. I'm ready for this next step, but I feel like I'm cliff diving. This part is the unknown to me and that's a scary thing. It's certainly taking a toll on my anxiety level. It's that moment before you jump where you feel like you can't breathe, but you know the experience is worth it.

So that's it. I'll let you know if I survive the fall and then we will watch some embryos grow!

Just Another Manic Monday

This morning my follicles were ranging from 7-15 so he is pushing my retrieval back to Saturday morning. He said we have to keep things slow and steady so that we don't put too much pressure on my ovaries. I'm growing more eggs than the Duggers have kids so it's best to be cautious and not explode the ovaries. Blood pressure was fine this morning, but my PCP gave me a script and told me to do whatever Dr. G says. You should have seen the nurse's face when she asked for my list of meds. It was awesome. So here I sit feeling like a chicken laying eggs for a few more days.

I Want Off This Ride Now

I've taken my blood pressure several times since I left his office and it's been ranging from 125/74 to 140/80. That is actually really good considering everything I'm on. I took it easy today, but I'm less worried about it now. I think it was just a bad reading and a fluke. We will keep an eye on it and still start meds Monday if he thinks that is the best option.

Today is the first day I woke up and was just done and over it. I feel uncomfortable, none of my pants fit right, I'm always about to cry for no reason, and the injections are now hurting because I'm out of new places to hit. When you do 3 a night you're bound to start hitting some repeat spots and ouch!!!

I'm ready to be off this roller coaster and on the next one. Pregnancy is never a walk in the park for me either so I know I'm just trading in one roller coaster for another. :)

Too Much Excitement

Today's appointment was a bit too exciting for my taste. I have at least 20 good follicles and several small so he's upping my meds to get those to catch up. But my blood pressure was high (155/90) because of the hormones. I've always had that problem so I was just waiting for it to happen. I'll have to take meds for it through at least retrieval and transfer and then we will evaluate once I'm off all the hormones.

So that's my big update today. I'm ready to be done with this process!

Halfway

I am half way done with my stimming meds!! My E2 was fine today and I go back tomorrow for an ultrasound. I have to say that I am now very uncomfortable. I feel so swollen and bloated that it's ridiculous. My ovaries are very swollen and its bordering on painful sometimes. I should only have 4 (at the most 5) days of stims left so there is an end in sight. I try not to complain about it since I'm paying so much for this torture, but this is my blog so I can complain freely here.

I was surprised to get on the scale and see it had gone down this morning since none of my pants fit! If I put on a pair of jeans right now I would hurt so bad by the end of the day it's not even worth it.

Tomorrow we start counting follicles so I will post the magic number tomorrow afternoon.

Randomness

Today I was at Target (you're all shocked, right?) and there was this mom walking around with her six month old twins in their double stroller. They were so quiet and she seemed to really have it all together. She was showered, dressed, her hair was done, makeup on, and totally calm. I hadn't yet showered, was wearing my yoga pants and t-shirt, hair in a pony tail and my kids are in school all day!!! In my defense, I had just printed and dropped off fliers at school, responded to a million PTA emails, and was just grabbing stuff for dinner that would go in the crockpot since we have gymnastics after school today. I couldn't help but think that if that is me next year I will NOT in any way be that mom. Just from what I know about carting 2 young children to Target in the past, I will be barely functional and carrying around a Starbucks cup, possibly still in my yoga pants from the day before that I fell asleep in. I am ok with being that mom. I will wear my sweats with my hair in a pony tail because my stuff comes last. If I get everything done for PTA, get the house cleaned, do laundry, make beds, workout, go to the store, and do any errands that need to be done then I shower and get myself around. Sometimes it's 8PM, and I can be ok with that. It always gets done at some point. My point here is that I have come to accept that *if* this works and *if* I get pregnant with twins, I'm all set. I no longer have that need to keep up appearances because I know our family is happy and me showering and looking fabulous at 9AM is just not what is most important.

All Good

Everything was good today so I go back Thursday to do it all again. I feel pretty good. Just tired, my boobs hurt, and I'm really bloated. I'll just keep chugging all this water and hope it doesn't get worse.

In October I have somehow gotten myself into hosting a luncheon, decorating teachers' doors, bringing home the "to-do basket" for both teachers, co-hosting a class play date, and man the copy machine one day. What was I thinking??? We also have the state fair, pumpkin patches, field trips, a visit from grandma, and I don't even know what else! This month should fly by.

Brilliance

Guess who signed up to cook for a teachers luncheon the day before egg retrieval? Yep. Probably not the smartest thing I've ever done. I'll be making 3 Italian entrees and our other room mom will be making 3 as well. I'm thinking lasagna, rigatoni, and meatball subs. Still waiting to see what our warming situation is.

In other news, I'm very bloated. That is all.

It's Go Time

Had my baseline ultrasound on Thursday and I have 15 follicles already growing and he thinks we will have at least 20+ eggs by retrieval. He told me he absolutely loves my young ovaries and how well my body seems to respond to all of this. I just like that everything has gone rather smoothly so far and we are still moving forward.

We had a nice discussion at my appointment this week about pain relief and embryos. He's advising me to take Tylenol every day to keep from being in pain. He thinks the stress from the pain would be worse for my body than the actual medication. He said I will be very uncomfortable by retrieval and he doesn't see any need for me to just suffer through it. I can take 2 Tylenol every 6 hours as needed. If I'm still in any pain (not just discomfort from bloating) I have to call them immediately. Apparently, my left ovary is slightly attached to my uterus (endometriosis throughout the years) so he's worried about having too much pressure on that ovary and it pushing into my uterus. I'll be doing even more ultrasounds than normal because of this. Yay. I also talked to him a lot about how many embryos I feel comfortable with putting in. We agreed that if we have 1 excellent quality embryo then we will only put back 1 excellent. I would put back an excellent and then a lower grade embryo if we chose to put back 2. He was telling me about a patient that recently put back 2 excellent and 1 split so she is expecting triplets. I told him I do not want to end up in that situation if at all possible. I would rather have a singleton pregnancy just simply because I have to think about the children I already have. Being on bed rest for several weeks, being in the hospital longer, having NICU babies, bringing 2 babies home and needing help, and just taking care of 2 babies would affect my children's lives a lot. Having 1 baby that I could carry to term, bring home from the hospital, and take care of by myself would be much easier. Not to mention the financial part of having twins. The hospital bills, buying 2 of everything, 2 in diapers, supplementing with formula because breastfeeding twins is difficult… It just seems like a lot. If we put back 2 and they both took then we would be thrilled and make it work, but I told him I don't want to put back more than 2 for any reason. Even if they weren't good quality. If we put in 2 and one split then it's because someone bigger than me had that in His plans. I just don't want to be the one to put myself in that position. We have a plan for what grade and quality embryos we will freeze or put back and he will make recommendations based on that. He and the embryologist know where I stand on it and they will take all of that into account and do whatever they can to avoid a high multiples pregnancy. I told him I would rather it just not work than to lose 3 babies late into the pregnancy because I couldn't carry them to term. I also don't want to put that burden on the 2 children I already have. That's just too much for them to have to deal with. We won't know for sure until transfer, but I feel like we have a good plan.

An End In Sight!

Yesterday my headaches finally got bad enough that I had to call and ask about taking something for them. I was to the point that all I wanted to do was lay in bed in the dark, and that just doesn't work around here. My fabulous nurse gave me the go ahead to take 2 Tylenol yesterday, but nothing more. It did help a little (as in I was able to function), but of course my headache was back today full force by 10 AM. Today is my last day of BCP so she thinks that it will help hugely to not be taking these both at the same time. Headaches are a common side effect for both and she said when you put them together it can be even worse. I sure hope it gets better! I only have another week of full dose Lupron though so even if it keeps going I know it's ending soon. There's a whole other list of problems that come with the other meds. :)

While we were on the phone she ran down the list of things not to do before labs that I have coming up soon. I actually found the information she gave me to be extremely helpful and informative. The biggest thing she said is that from this point on I have to keep a very low fat diet because when they draw labs the fat content in your blood can often make it harder to read the results. She suggested lean meats, veggies, fruits, whole grain breads, and such just so that it's not an issue. They rely on these labs to let them know what dosages need to be given for medications so it's really important that the results are accurate. She also told me that I will have to reduce carbs and increase my water intake greatly in a week. Carbs and dehydration both can cause OHSS to be even worse so it's just something I can do to lessen my risk. I think I can handle that.

My nurse is one of the sweetest people I've ever met in my life. She genuinely cares about what is going on in your life outside of treatment. She asked how the kids are liking school so far and said she's kind of sad that they won't be able to come with me to any more appointments because they are all during the mornings when the kids are in school. I'm only scheduled for one Saturday morning appointment at this point so the kids won't be with me as much. They love when I bring the kids in, but particularly Madison. She's at that age where she's interested in what's going on and what I'm doing. She sits in the waiting room while I do my ultrasound and then comes back if I have labs, meet with Dr. G, or have to do anything else. I like that she's kind of seeing how all this works and has some idea of what's going on. I don't share every detail with her, just what's age appropriate. She understands that this is what has to happen if she wants another brother or sister, but beyond that I think she just likes being the center of attention there. They also let her ring the bell up front a million times last time and she thought that was all kinds of fun. Jack has gone a few times, but doesn't ever ask to go and I certainly wouldn't ever make him. They both are on my ass at 8 PM every night though when it's time to do shots! It's like they think I can't tell time or think I'll forget. They are also both very good about opening the fridge very carefully because my meds are on the top shelf. I have to say there are some serious advantages to doing this while having older kids!

Just Funny

This shirt just cracks me up. I saw it on a sidebar of a blog I read and it's so true around here. I get the feeling this next kid won't ever want to come out once it hears what this house is like on a daily basis.

Fitbit

Today I ordered myself a Fitbit Zip. I've had my Bodybugg forever, but I just don't love it. It's big, bulky, and I feel like everyone notices it. It's also a pain to connect it to my computer and upload the results every day. Yes it's accurate and works wonderfully, but it's just not for me anymore. Matt mentioned this morning that there was a new Fitbit announced so as soon as he left for work I researched it myself. I decided to get their $60 version because it does exactly what I want it to do and nothing more. It uploads into Lose It via Bluetooth so I don't have to connect it, plus it runs on a watch battery so I don't have to charge it. It counts steps and calories burned and sends them to Lose It (the app I use to track food) without much effort for me. It just connects on your pants, bra, shirt, or wherever else you want to put it so it's convenient and can be hidden easily. 

With an upcoming pregnancy I want to watch my weight pretty carefully and stay active. I will say that with my current IVF cycle I have gained 10 lbs. 10 freaking pounds. Yes, I've had some emotional eating, a birthday, and certainly didn't expect to lose anything for sure. I was hoping to maintain. For the most part I eat well and I've been walking (all I'm really supposed to do for the foreseeable future) a lot so I was hoping to avoid the awful weight gain. I've always gained about 5 lbs on birth control pills so there was no surprise when I put on 5 pounds within days of starting those, but then the Lupron did the same thing! Next week I start Menopur and Gonal-F and I already know I'll put on a good 10 lbs of water retention in the next few weeks from developing eggs, egg retrieval, and then transfer. It's pretty typical to see a weight gain with all of that simply because you have a ton of fluid built up. I'd heard the horror stories of gaining 20+ pounds during a cycle, but I really thought I could keep it in check. Guess it's not in my control as much as I thought. All I can say is that if this cycle doesn't work I will be dieting hardcore for a while before doing it again! Luckily, I lost a lot with Madison (20+ pounds) and didn't gain anything other than water retention with Jack (I weighed less walking out of the hospital than I did when I got pregnant by about 10 pounds), so I'm not terribly worried about gaining a ton during pregnancy. All I want is a healthy baby (or babies) so I can deal with everything else in this process.

By the way, shots are going well. Just some bruising, hot flashes, and headaches. It's not terrible because I do them about an hour before bed so I sleep through a lot of it. I'm just kind of waiting for the next step at this point. The next step is a big one and I'm so ready!

Lupron and Yoga Pants

I was going to post yesterday about how easy the injections are, but I had a blinding headache that wouldn't allow me to look at the computer screen for more than 2 minutes at a time! The actual injections are easy and completely painless. The headache and fatigue I've gotten from the Lupron are pretty awful. I could seriously fall asleep typing this. I don't know how I'm going to manage to stay awake all day! I'm also REALLY bloated. I've been drinking a ton of water because I knew this part was coming and I wanted to stay ahead of it, but no such luck. Oh well. I own lots of yoga pants. :)

It's Here!

My Birthday Date With FedEx

Guess who is spending their birthday waiting for the FedEx truck to get here with lots of boxes of meds? This girl is! I'm really ok with this because we think we figured out what was making me so sick (the antibiotic they had me on) so I'm feeling MUCH better and not like I'm on the verge of death today. Woohoo! Apparently Doxycycline and I just don't get along. We'll have to figure something else out for my retrieval, but she said it's not a big deal at all.

I learned some very interesting things yesterday at my appointment that I want to write down simply so that I can keep track of things. My memory has become awful with these hormones so I find that I'm having to write everything down. First, they think I'm a very high risk for OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) because my AMH number is only 4 (very excellent..I have a lot of eggs) and I have reacted perfectly up to this point. My lining was 7 yesterday, no cyst on my ovaries, and I had several follicles. He said he would estimate 20-40 eggs possible at ER!! That's an insane amount of eggs. 20 would be pretty average, but he said I have more follicles than he could easily count and my ovaries are "beautiful" and he "loves them." Yes, it's a little weird and creepy to hear such words out of context, but I get it. But this also means we have to be really careful with my protocol because they can't just turn on my body and put it into stimulation with that many ready follicles. I'll have to do the Lupron longer than most people to even out the stimulation meds. I'll start with 10U of Lupron, but then cut down to 5U and continue it until retrieval. My Menopur dose is starting at 75IU and my Gonal-F  is 112.5. He said we will decrease the amount of Gonal-F most likely towards ER. He also moved my ER up to the 10th or 11th because he thinks I will stim very quickly. I know this doesn't mean much to anyone but me that reads this, but if I have to do this again I want to be able to look back at my protocol. Just for perspective, I have 3000 IU's of Gonal-F on hand and I will use nowhere near that amount. I will use just over 1100 IU's. I was fortunate enough to get the pre-loaded pens so I don't have to mix them and they are supposedly a lot easier to use.

I don't go back until the 27th so the next 2 weeks are just Lupron injections, but then everything will move very quickly after that. I'm beyond ready for this. I think a lot of this process is just mental and I am very mentally prepared for everything. I trust my doctor and I trust the science. I know this could fail due to things out of our control and I may have to do it again. I know I could miscarry because I have before. I know there is an 80% chance of multiples if we put back 2 embryos for me personally. I know I could have OHSS and my cycle could get canceled at any point because of this. But you know what? I can't do a damn thing about any of these things and neither can my doctor. We just have to work together to minimize the risks and do what we can so that we end up with the desired outcome.

It's on Paper Now

I got my printed calendar today with my "official" dates on it! It is being held up by headless Lego Star Wars magnets on my fridge.

I also learned how to give my injections, which seems kind of weird. How many people don't know how to draw medicine into a 1/2 inch needle and inject it at 90 degrees? That would have been enough of an explanation for me, but I had to prove I could do it 3 times before I got "approved." They have you use a fake skin thing at waist level so it's really not even like injecting yourself would be. I'm personally not scared of needles so it doesn't really bother me. I'm more bothered by the idea of Matt giving me the progesterone shots after my retrieval!

This part sucks

It shouldn't even be possible to feel this sick without being pregnant. I've spent most of my morning feeling like I'm going to throw up at any given moment. It's awful!! I go for an ultrasound and my injections training this afternoon. I'll be the one who looks like she's about to hurl, still wearing yoga pants, hair in a pony tail. That's the best I've got today.

Walgreens Can Suck It

On Friday my nurse called the last of my meds into Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy so that I could have them Tuesday so I called to verify the price and make sure they didn't need anything from me. I was told my doctor ordered 10 Menopur (eek! Way more than I estimated) so I was shocked at the $904 price tag, but told them as soon as the order was processed to give me a call and I'd give them my credit card number. The pharmacist hadn't gone over the order so I wasn't allowed to pay yet. So then today while I was out with a friend doing some shopping I got a call that the order was processed and they were ready for payment. I asked them to verify the amount for me (I ask every.single.time.) before I gave them my information and suddenly the price was $1054!! I had called a few other pharmacies in the process and so I knew I was getting screwed.  I told them to forget it because I knew I could get my medicines cheaper elsewhere. So here I am sitting in the car in the Lowes parking lot with my good friend and we are both calling fertility pharmacies. I gave her my list of meds and we both called to get prices. I called one of the ones I had called previously and they quoted me an even better price than they had previously so I told them to go ahead and set up a chart for me and I'd get my nurse to call in my scripts. I called my nurse and explained that Walgreens was trying to screw me over and I had chosen another pharmacy and she gladly called them in for me pretty quickly. Mandell's Pharmacy called me back an hour later and after I explained the Walgreens ordeal I got my meds for $863! They were able to get insurance to cover my syringes and needles and offered me free overnight delivery. They even offered to have them delivered same day if I needed it FOR FREE! I seriously had the best experience with them and I wouldn't hesitate to use them again. Tomorrow I go for my pre-Lurpon sonogram, pick up my meds in their fridge, hand over the millions of forms they need from me, and learn how to inject myself with various medications. Yay!

Ick

2 days later and I am still fighting a headache and nausea from that stupid dye! We are supposed to go see a baseball playoffs game tonight but I'm not sure I'm going to make it. Other than the headaches, nausea, tiredness, bloating, and mood swings, everything is going well! Found out today insurance should cover my progesterone and Lupron, plus we received my HCG injection free. We should only end up paying for Menopur and my copays for the other 2. I'll take it!

Another update

This morning I got a call that my grant meds should be arriving at the clinic today and I can pick them up anytime. She wanted to verify that I only needed 1200 IU's because I could get up to 3000 with the grant, but they all have to be ordered at the same time. I had no clue what to tell her because I had no idea that my meds had been ordered! I called the nurse at the clinic just to clarify and we have it all straightened out. Apparently since this is an order directly from the manufacturer they didn't know how long it would take to get shipped and they didn't want to risk it not getting here in time. So my meds are sitting in their fridge and I pick them up Tuesday when I go back. The Lupron, Menopur, and Progesterone will be ordered in a few days and I pick them up or have them delivered on my birthday most likely. Happy Birthday to me!

My nurse is so sweet and I just love her. My doctor is a little scatter brained (but very smart and good at what he does) so it's a good thing his staff is amazing and keeps him organized. I honestly don't know how she does it. She told me that I'm her favorite patient and that I'm always her favorite to call because I'm just so pleasant. I learned a long time ago that when dealing with these places it is a good idea to be nice to everyone because you are going to be speaking to them a lot and they will always call you back sooner if you're not a crazy bitch that they dread talking to. Getting all nuts about dates, calendars, and paperwork doesn't get you anywhere. If I have a question I call and ask, but for the most part I just let them do their jobs and know that they will let me know when they need something from me. I think it just makes everyone's life easier.

It's TUESDAY!

I had my HSG and mock transfer today and it was all clear! It wasn't as bad as the biopsy, but it certainly wasn't a pleasant experience that I care to repeat any time soon. It was kind of cool to watch the dye flow through everything and be able to see what exactly was going on. It made the discomfort a little easier. We had our "orientation meeting" after where we managed to get in a group with someone who had far too many questions for being so far along in the process. It was frustrating because I was fairly sore and was fighting a headache from the dye absorbing. I still have the headache, but it's not the worst thing I've gone through in the last few months so I won't complain too much. Now it's just down to finances and schedules…

My next appointment is the 11th. That's my last pre-med ultrasound to check for cysts and lining, and I start Lupron injections next week!

Update

Labs were great, got my meds protocol, and I now have my IVF calendar! Woohoo! Just waiting on Tuesday now...

The Waiting Game

My appointment today was eventful! I don't have my labs back yet, but my ultrasound looked fine. I start my birth control pills Friday to begin the suppression and then I go back on Tuesday for my HSG and we'll go from there. If everything is good then we will start the Lupron at the end of September and my retrieval is tentatively scheduled for October 11. If they find anything that needs to be removed then we will put the whole cycle on hold until it's fixed and we'll have to start all over. I was slightly overwhelmed with everything this morning when he was rattling off dates and calculating things out loud so I had to call my nurse back and just have her explain everything in English. She was able to kind of put it all in simple terms for me. We are pretty much waiting on Tuesday to see what the next step is.

Why Feelings Are Overrated

I don't post a lot about how I feel about this process because honestly, I just can't let myself go there most days. I try to separate how I feel about it from the process of it so that I don't lose my mind or lose focus. Today that was just impossible. This is one of the worst periods I've had in a long time. I'm in so much pain that it's hard to focus. I couldn't sleep well last night and even now, 24 hours later, I can't bend to either side without feeling like I'm being stabbed in the uterus. It's absolutely awful and it's a very painful reminder of what I can't have right now. I want to cry pretty much all the time, but I don't because I don't want Matt or the kids to realize how hard it is. I've been watching our insurance claims come through because I was fairly certain that they wouldn't cover any of our testing (even though the office called to verify and I have a reference number for it saying they would cover my labs) and everything went through over the weekend with whopping sum of $2500 left unpaid. That doesn't cover the labs, ultrasound, HSG, and scheduling appointment that we have in the coming weeks. My heart just sank when I saw that. All the money we were hoping to use to cycle in October may now get used to cover just the testing that has already been done and the remaining that still has to be done. If that's the case I have absolutely no clue when we will actually be able to our IVF and if we don't do it by the end of the year we will lose our grant money. I seriously contemplated just giving up today. Is it really worth the disappointment every month when my period shows up and I have no idea when we will be able to afford IVF? How many more months will I have to do this? Can I just keep myself from being so attached to this process that it has me in tears every month that we aren't able to do it yet again? At least once a month I reach this horrible breaking point where I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know how to be ok with the fact that it's just money keeping us from doing this. I don't know how to not be angry about it. I don't know how to get over the fact that if we didn't have that stupid house and all of the stupid payments that go with it we would be able to afford it right now. I just don't know how to get past everything and just be ok knowing it will somehow work out...

Here We Go Again

Today is cycle day 1 so I made the call this morning to schedule this month's labs and ultrasound. This is such a long process and it just feels like it's going to go on forever and not get anywhere. Some days I feel like it will be over with quickly and everything will be fine, and other days I feel like it's just never going to happen. PMS makes it a million times worse.

The kids went back to school this morning so I was actually able to get to the store, water the flowers, make a few phone calls, get a workout done, and clean the house before 11 AM. I heard a mom at Target saying how much she missed her kids already and I couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty that I don't feel that way at all. I am so glad they are back to school! They were to the point that they were constantly bored, sitting in front of the tv, complaining about everything, and fighting all day. I'm enjoying the quiet house and ability to spend an hour on the treadmill without hearing my children fight over Fruit Ninja on Xbox. There's no Disney Channel playing as the background noise to my day and the house is in the same state that it was when I cleaned it this morning! I love and adore my children. If I didn't like this whole parenting gig I certainly wouldn't be paying a small fortune to have more! The good moments definitely outnumber the bad, but I sometimes have to remind myself of that when I'm putting them to bed and everyone seems to think I'm mean. Because it's just awful that I expect my children to bathe, brush their teeth, and be in bed by 9 on a school night.

Yay!

Progesterone was 15.4 so another thing to check off the list. Yay! Next Tuesday is another ultrasound and day 3 labs!

In actual fitness news, we purchased a treadmill and weight bench to go with our punching bag and bosu ball so we essentially have an entire home gym. We are both so crazy busy right now that we were struggling to get to the gym 20 minutes from the house. The kids also spotted a park next to their school so the kids and I have been riding our bikes over there a lot. We made it 4 miles the other day! That's not a huge workout for me, but it is for their little legs! Jack is now officially riding with no training wheels consistently too so that's going to be a huge help in going farther on our bikes. We plan to ride to school as often as we can. I'm not sure how often I can ride while doing my IVF cycle, but my doctor is all for riding and working out in general for as long as I can during pregnancy. Hopefully it will help keep my blood pressure under control and I won't have to deal with that again.

Thank God Monday is over and the rest of the week should go pretty smoothly from here. Monday is back to school!!! Yes!!!!

Good News!

We got approved for the grant! They are covering my entire first cycle of meds! I seriously could not be more happy about this. I've been worried about it all weekend and I knew if we didn't get it then we would be looking at a January cycle most likely. I could wait until January and I'm sure the world wouldn't fall apart or anything, but my hormones disagree. My body says I should be doing this yesterday and absolutely no later than that. This is the only chance we have at doing it this fall and even then it's pretty iffy depending on finances. It's awful to want something so bad and be **this close** and yet it feels so far away. It doesn't help that the kids are going through this phase where they are constantly asking when why we don't have another baby. I don't know how to say it's because we don't just have $10,000 laying around to play with at the moment. It sucks.

Finally Some Good News!

My OB is THE BEST. Seriously, I just love him. He doesn't ever bullshit me and I always feel comfortable in his office. I am such a worrier and have horrible anxiety regarding doctors because my last OB was always convinced that something was wrong. I had high blood pressure during my pregnancies and every time I went in I would get so anxious and my blood pressure would go up even more. She was always like, "OMG someone is going to die!!" It wasn't even that high. It wasn't great, but at 140/85 nobody was going to die in the immediate future. But, back to my current OB that I love, I went in today to get my biopsy results and the first words out of his mouth were, "This is really fucked up. The latest pap test came back normal and the biopsy was just barely abnormal. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Come back pregnant." And that is why I love him. I'm sure some people wouldn't love his language and casual demeanor, but he's my perfect doctor. He would really love if I ended up with twins because I would be his first twin patient. He asked if he could call Dr. G and offer to slip him some extra cash if he knocked me up with 2. I told him that would be fine with me. I'm so not worried about being his first because his dad is in the office and has 40+ years of experience. They also have a midwife and everyone in the office is just fantastic. I feel like I'm in good hands.

In other news, he okayed me to go on the cruise if I got pregnant before then. He advised I not do anything stupid. His only suggestion was to ask for the non-injectible progesterone for those few days so I wouldn't have to worry about taking it on the boat. He made a good point about something I hadn't considered too. He said if it doesn't work then having the cruise a few weeks later will give me something to still look forward to. He said in that case I had his permission to do as many stupid things as I want.

I also called today about a grant for the stimming meds and we will get at least a $400 rebate, and there's a possibility they may cover my entire first cycle for free. That's a good $3000 worth of medications we wouldn't pay for up front. We would still have to purchase the Lupron, HCG and PIO, but in comparison those are nothing. Lupron averages about $200-300, HCG is $70, and the PIO is around $100. That means we may only have to pay $500 of the $4000 med cost. I'm keeping everything crossed that this goes through and we get it because it would make a big difference in when we could proceed. Our clinic is one of the selected clinics working with this program so I feel very fortunate that we have the opportunity for this as well as a 6 month option to pay for the IVF.

One Step At A Time

The nurse just called to say all of my labs were great so we are still moving forward! Yay! Of course the next 2 lab days are equally important so hopefully all goes well with those. Progesterone next week and then day 3 FSH and LH the week after. Those day 3 labs are extremely important in telling how many eggs I still have left and what quality they might be. At this point I'm going to take the little bit of good news that so far everything is good and things are moving the right direction. This process really sucks for those of us who are less than patient. :)

I Swear They Are Secretly Vampires

This morning I had my first round of labs and it totaled 6 vials. I was smart and dank lots of water the last couple of days so it wasn't too bad. I did have to be fasting for this round though so I was feeling kind of lightheaded by the time I got out of there at almost 11. They also did my baseline ultrasound and I have no cysts and just 1 polyp in my uterus that measured 8mm. It will most likely need to be removed, but it sounds like they will most likely do it when I have my HSG in a few weeks. Really, after having that damn biopsy I think I can handle this. I was shocked that he didn't find any cysts on my ovaries because I had tons of them 8 years ago. They have apparently all dissolved since my hormone levels have evened out from losing weight. I have to go back to my OB/GYN on Thursday, and back to Dr. G next Monday so they can take even more blood from me to check my progesterone. He told me this morning he hopes to be done with me by Halloween. I'm not sure that's the timeline we were thinking, but I guess we will see. We have a cruise in mid-November that we have to work around. First of all, I don't know if I want to be pregnant on a cruise ship. Second, OMG this costs a small fortune and that gives us like 60 days to come up with the cash. Insurance won't cover anything IVF related, including the meds. Just the medicines alone can total $4000 and they have to be in hand before you can commit to a cycle. While I was waiting this morning I was listening to a lady (who was completely hormonal and batshit crazy) talk to the receptionist and she was writing her checks for anesthesia, retrieval fee, and transfer fee. I honestly wanted to hyperventilate for her. My God that's a lot of money. Then I realized I will be writing those checks soon. I think they break it up in to different fees so the checks are smaller and make you feel less bad about it. The other thing I heard her say was that they were not freezing any embryos. I know Dr. G has probably talked to her about it and I know she *thinks* she knows that she is only going to do this once, but it's really stupid to not freeze them. I know it's $900 and I know that the process sucks and everybody wants to get pregnant on the first try, but that's not reality. What if she doesn't get pregnant? What if she does get pregnant, but miscarries? Then she has to start over with another fresh cycle (which costs more than twice as much) and put her body through more than she has to. She didn't seem to grasp the concept of it. The receptionist kept telling her that you can only make that choice before your retrieval and there's no going back. I could tell she didn't want to say "what if it doesn't work?" but this woman seriously needed that dose of reality. She also didn't seem to grasp the concept that the embryos are destroyed if not used. I heard both the nurse and receptionist explain to her that the embryos can either be frozen and destroyed at a later date (you can store them for many years) or they would be destroyed at the time of transfer if they chose not to freeze them. You always freeze the damn embryos lady! It's like an insurance policy. If you're already spending $15,000 trying to get pregnant, why would you skimp on the $900 insurance policy?? Women like her make me realize why these doctors explain every stupid detail to you even if you already know what you're doing. It has to be frustrating to deal with that level of stupid all the time.

On a side note, I FINALLY got to see the Kenny Invitation Only concert I went to and OMG I felt horribly depressed seeing how thin I was at that time! Matt made it so much better when he commented that I "used to be totally badass" and "almost anorexic." That made me feel really wonderful when I'm about to embark on a pregnancy that my OB has said could cause me to gain AT LEAST 40 lbs if it's twins. I'm still working on the weight loss before getting pregnant and would love to lose another 20 lbs between now and then, but I think it will be a couple of years before I get back to that girl who was totally badass. Maybe breastfeeding twins will help me lose weight! Hahahaha! Nope, I'm not that delusional. Maybe I will be too tired and busy to eat though. Getting 2 babies and losing some weight would be a total win!

Doctors, Biopsy, and Children..

There have been many things happening lately, and I really don't know if I want to post about it for all the world to see, but there's only like 10 people who actually read this so I think I'm pretty safe. :) It al started when I was pregnant with Jack and developed a polyp on my cervix and caused me to bleed through the entire pregnancy. After I delivered it went away without any problems, but I had an abnormal pap come back a couple of years later. It went back to normal so I've just been going yearly and assuming everything would be fine. A few months ago I went in for my yearly appointment and I got the dreaded call that things were not normal and they were putting me on some medicine to see it it helped and they would repeat it. Back I went to the doctor, waited for the call, and was told yet again it wasn't normal. Not only was it still not normal, it was even weirder than the first one! Last week I went in to have a cervical biopsy done. I will tell you that if they ever say "it's just a pinch and some cramping," they are totally lying out their ass. It hurt horribly and I'm still kind of sore a week later! They don't think it's anywhere near cancer or anything scary, but it's abnormal cell growth that will have to be removed at some point in the near-ish future. Now this typically wouldn't be an issue for someone who is done having children. They could just go in (although they better numb the damn thing for that!) and remove the cells and it would slightly shorten the cervix. The problem is that we have discussed wanting another child for a long time. I didn't know if I could handle another pregnancy after Jack. The bleeding was just awful, and then he wasn't (still isn't…) the easiest child in the world. I also know that Matt works pretty much constantly. I don't remember ever going on a trip or even out to dinner without his computer or phone being attached to him for at lead 50% of the time. Having a c-section with Jack and being thrown into being a mom of 2 little ones pretty much on my own was hard. It was really hard. I am not delusional and I know this will be my reality again. I know that having a baby will pretty much be in my court and I have 2 very active children that will still require 100% from me. Can I handle that with 1 pregnancy resulting in 1 baby? Absolutely! But then there's the issue that we will be undergoing IVF in order to get pregnant so there's a high chance of multiples. I'm scared of being pregnant with twins and having 2 children at home with little help. I'm scared of having 2 newborns at home, recovering from a c-section, and running the older 2 to activities and school. So how do I know that we should be going forward and doing it anyways? Because I'm much more terrified of it not working. It scares me more to think of not having more children than it does to deal with the practicalities of doubling our amount of children in one pregnancy. So we don't have a date yet. I'm doing all of the labs and testing required in the next few weeks and we will go from there. I still have 1 more appointment with my OB/GYN to get the final results from the biopsy, then when he clears me for treatment I can proceed with the RE for an IVF plan. So that's where we are. I have a million things thrown up in the air and I'm just running back and forth trying to catch them before they fall.

Oh and I'm down 16 pounds. :)

In the Zone

This is the 3rd week I've put full effort into my diet and workouts again. I'm totally back in the zone of just doing it regardless of whether or not I like it. I can tell myself that it's just food and it's not worth it. I can pass up ice cream when everyone else around me is eating it and not really care because I have a goal and I'm extremely determined to get there. I think we all really want this process to be easier than it is, but it just isn't. I can't do half-hearted workouts and expect results and I can't eat sugar without it showing up on the scale. That's just my reality and I've finally come to the realization that this process just sucks, but the harder I work, the faster the weight will come off. I know it's not the end when I reach my goal weight again, but I do know that I'll get there a whole lot faster if I don't cheat. Cheating on a diet is just cheating yourself out of reaching your goals. I know for the last year my heart has not been in it and I haven't been focused. I've done the workouts, but I've spent every weekend eating crap and doing good during the week. Anyone who has ever been on a diet knows that this is a vicious cycle where you are gaining and losing the same weight all the damn time. If I can suck it up for a good 3-4 months and just not screw up on the weekends then I'll be at my goal and can gain and lose the same 2-3 pounds every week. That's called maintenance, not weight loss. I've been living in maintenance mode for the last year, but I failed to realize that the weight I want to be maintaining was about 40 lbs lighter than I am right now so I need to get to that weight again before I can maintain it! I'm officially weighing in on Mondays now to keep myself accountable on the weekend. That's really about the only way I can keep my shit together for those 2 days. I get on the scale every single day right now to keep myself in check, but I only record Monday's weight each week. So far I'm down 5 lbs as of Monday, so almost 2 lbs per week. That's 4-5 months of really hard work if I keep my shit together. There are no major trips or holidays in that time so I'm good. I've got this.

Revisiting the Past

This morning I was reading some old blog posts from the other site while my kids were trying to kill each other in the living room. I was curious at what point it really clicked with me and I was able to totally focus on my weight loss and you know what? There's no real answer. I was just really determined that I was going to make it happen somehow. I reached this place again a few weeks ago and I know I can do this because I have done it before. I need to quit worrying about what people think because I gained some weight back. At least it's only 40 lbs instead of 130 this time! I need to stop telling myself that it's ok if I never lose it all. It's not ok!!!

When I was reading the posts though it was interesting because I was reading what was really going through my head instead of what I wrote. I remember being happy with the number on the scale, but hating my body. I told myself that it was good enough to look good with clothes on, but it wasn't. I was so angry at the fact that I had lost the weight and still hated my body so much. I'm saving for a tummy tuck. Period. We aren't talking about a little bit of skin from pregnancies, we are talking 6-8 inches of skin being taken off my stomach. That's what they told me at my consult. I would need at least 6-8 inches removed. I should have done whatever it took to get it done. Instead I just said to myself that it didn't matter what I ate because my body was a wreck anyways. This time I am doing it with the knowledge of what I will be left with. And with a savings account ready to foot the bill for it.

Moving!

Right now I feel like I am completely buried in boxes! I think the kids are ready to get out of here though because they have been a HUGE help with packing! They have not complained one bit about packing or moving. In fact, yesterday they were in their room filling boxes without me even asking them too! Madison has seen the house and is really excited about it. She has been planning out her new room, deciding what toys she wants to put where, she's picked out a new desk, and she cannot wait to get her brother out of her space! Jack hasn't seen the house, but he's going with it and has packed everything except for his Legos. We have 2 weeks until we can move and then it's chaos until school starts! We will be in Kansas, moving, then Houston, then school starts! Matt is gone a lot in September so it will kind of be a blur from July until October. Let the chaos begin! I'm ready!

Rude Awakening

I took Jack in for his 6 year appointment on Monday and we got some very surprising news. First of all, the kid is 50 inches tall and 73 pounds. Technically, he's just barely considered overweight for his height (and that's bad enough). The worst thing though is that his blood pressure was high! She said part of it might just be that he was bouncing off the walls, but even after sitting it was high enough for concern. I have to take him in later this week to have his cholesterol, insulin, and some other things tested. In the meantime, I've got him exercising more and eating less. I hate it. I absolutely hate that my kid has to be on a "diet." We don't tell him he's on a diet or that he's overweight, but I did explain to him that his blood pressure is concerning and he needs to make better food choices and work out his heart a little extra so it can work better. What does he hear? That he can't have ice cream, chicken strips, corn dogs, french fries, pizza, or chocolate milk. I haven't told him specifically that he can't have those things, but he gets that those aren't good choices and he knows they are off limits for a while. It truly sucks. He got in a really bad eating routine this year during school when he wouldn't eat lunch at school and then was starving after school and eating Cheez-Its, string cheese, or whatever else he could find buried in the cabinet. The one thing I can always get him to eat is Subway so for lunch the last few days I've been getting him a 6 inch sandwich on wheat, asking them to pull out some of the bread, turkey, one slice of cheese, lots of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and very little ranch dressing. He has grapes, oranges, apples, or carrot chips at home with his sandwich. It's truly the only way I can get veggies in this kid so I tell them to really pile on the veggies. I have that Sneaky Chef cookbook somewhere so I need to dig that out and see how I can cram more veggies in him. I'm also having him eat a banana each day for the potassium as well. We are going out of town this weekend again so eating out with him will be challenging I'm sure, but we'll make it work. I know that sets off major cravings for him though, just like it does for me. It sucks and he will probably fight it for his entire life. I feel for him because I've had to fight it my entire life as well and he's a lot younger than I was when I first started fighting my weight. We've also been spending a lot of time playing outside the past couple days and I'm anxious to get him back into a house with a yard so he has a place to run. I think having him stuck in this damn apartment has added to the problem. I know it certainly hasn't helped my weight loss any. There's no place to walk or run, no playground, no place to play soccer, and just no place to be outside playing. The kids and I really miss those things. We hate being inside. Matt is the freak that loves all this time indoors and being crammed in like sardines. It probably has something to do with him only being home 2 hours a day. Just saying...

Home Again

We made it home late Friday night and I got on the scale Saturday morning to see what the damage was. It was not good. Really not good. I'm thinking a lot of it is water weight and will come off rather quickly, but it doesn't really matter. I had already resigned myself to the fact that I was going to put on my Bodybugg and just get at it as soon as we got home so it's fine. I had charged it during our vacation so that it would be ready to go as soon as we got home so imagine my surprise when I wore it all day yesterday and when I plugged it into the computer….nothing. It didn't record anything and apparently was only working when I plugged it in to the computer. Fantastic. I ordered a new one and it should be here by the end of the week. I have a pretty good idea of calories burned so I suppose it's fine and I can be patient until it gets here in a few days….along with my new zebra striped arm band. :)

What a Difference a Year Makes

One year ago I was sitting in bed and realizing that I was so done. I knew I needed to make some major changes in my life and not look back. I was taking a leap of faith and just hoping that things would work out. I realized that some people I was allowing to be in my life were not worthy of my time or attention. I didn't drastically do anything, I just let the situation kind of dissolve itself. I backed off and just waited it out. I went to bed by 10 PM most nights and started running consistently again each morning. I finally started to feel like I was going to be alright. I took a huge leap of faith and sent a simple text just saying, "I miss you." It wasn't an overnight change and I honestly had no idea where my life was going at that point, but I knew I couldn't continue the way it was. I wanted to forgive and be forgiven. I realized the only person I could change was myself and I would start there. Recently I've been reading a book "Let's Just Pretend this Never Happened," and I finally felt like someone else understood. Generalized Anxiety Order is very real. The weird shit that still goes through my head just doesn't make sense. The difference is, I've finally realized that just because I'm worried about something doesn't mean it's a logical fear. I still struggle to really let go of things and just relax. It takes a lot of effort for me to just go with the flow and trust the process. I'm working on it. So where does this lead me to? Well, I'm currently on vacation on one of the most beautiful islands in the world with the love of my life who still annoys me by working and doing accounting on vacation. But guess what? It's fine. It's giving me time to write a blog post and that NEVER happens these days. My head has been elsewhere lately. I've got a lot of things going on and it takes a lot for me to stay focused on everything and not get overwhelmed and anxious. It's a fine line. I've spent the last year just trying to be ok. The doctor I saw last May said I would know in a year how well I would be able to cope and adjust. My diet has definitely suffered because of this, but I'd rather have a few pounds to lose and keep my sanity. Will I ever really be "ok?" I doubt it. I don't think the general feeling of anxiousness will ever go away, but I'm in such a better place now than I was a year ago. I feel like I have some traction under my feet again and it feels good. I am going back to seeing a personal trainer and working on building up my weight training again once we get home. Matt has agreed to go with me too. I'm sure he's suuuuuper excited. :) It's one of my favorite things, but it's really hard to do alone. I need a trainer to push me to the edge of death apparently. And with the kids out of school for summer we will have to find a routine that works for us. I miss our old YMCA where I had friends to workout with and could drop the kids off any time and they had friends who would be in the Kid Zone. I don't think they love the Kids Club at our gym and I don't love that I have to make reservations for them every.single.time I want to go to the gym. It's annoying. I also can't go to boxing without taking them to a separate child care place first so I haven't been for weeks. I need to find my workout groove again. I miss my Turbokick friends, I miss easy gym childcare, and I miss having friends to workout with while on the stupid machines. I don't know how to go about solving those problems though. I'm considering switching to our YMCA instead of the Rec Center in hopes that it will be better, but I don't know. I'll worry about it when we get home from vacation. :)

A Month? Seriously?

Apparently it's been a whole month since I updated. How did that happen? The days just don't have enough hours sometimes! Things are good and I really have nothing fun or exciting to update. My weight is still headed in the right direction, school is good, kids are good, and we are getting ready to celebrate someone's 30th birthday next week. Not MINE! I still have a couple years. :)

We also bought Kenny Chesney tickets for August. We didn't know if we were going to go this year, but it just worked out so that we could and the kids will be out of town so we'll get to go to Houston by ourselves! Yay! We haven't taken a trip without the kids for quite a while. These days we normally just pack them up and take them with us. This will be a nice change for once!

And there's only 6.5 weeks left until our big summer vacation! I can't wait to be back on St. John. It should be interesting with the kids. They've never been and I've tried to get them excited about it, but all Jack cares about is that he doesn't want to get eaten by a shark in the ocean. I keep telling him that I've never been eaten by a shark and his reply is, "Well, not YET!" Good point I suppose.

So that's it. I've got nothing. Every day is pretty much the same right now and finals are 2 weeks away so I'll pretty much be MIA for another month while I try to keep my head above water and not drown in kids schedules, school work, workouts, and various other crap.

Spring Break

Last week was spring break for the kids and that meant very little time for workouts for me. I have to figure out a schedule for summer because last week just did not work for me. Jack was in camp from 9-12 each day and we had grandmas here for a few days here and there as well. It just felt like we didn't have a schedule and I was trying to cram everything into those 3 hours when Jack wasn't home. I can't go to the grocery store, do school work, get a workout in, and entertain Madison all within those 3 hours each day. I've been looking at some activities for the kids this summer and trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to do it all. Not having schoolwork will help of course.

 The kids are at an age where they want to be entertained constantly. They must be doing something at all times or I start hearing, "I'm bored!" every few minutes. They need routine and schedule and I need them to have a schedule for my own sanity. They get out of school June 1st and we leave for vacation the next week so I have to figure out the end of June, all of July, and maybe a week in August. There are a lot of fun camps and activities around here and I think Madison is going to do a pottery camp with a friend for at least one week.

I found out yesterday that one of my trainers isn't going to be working there anymore. I really do like all of the others, but she was kind of what held all of us girls together. Female kickboxers kind of get a reputation of not being feminine and she would show everyone that you could do both. You can kick ass with the boys during your workout and still stand around after and talk about your kids. I saw her show many girls that tough can be sexy. Just because we put on our gloves and beat on things doesn't mean we aren't girls. It just means we are girls who have confidence and skills.

Now off to the gym to hopefully get some miles in on the treadmill. I'm on spring break this week. Yay!

Ouch!

I made an attempt to go back to boxing last week. I really and truly did. Unfortunately, the antibiotic I was taking caused me to spend half my time in the bathroom throwing up. I did do an awful lot of sweating while throwing up, but that's not the kind of sweating I prefer to do in a gym. I ended up leaving a bit early (actually I was told to get my ass out of there and come back when I felt better…after I was asked 20 times if I was absolutely sure I wasn't pregnant) and didn't even attempt to go back until this week. I finished up the antibiotic, let my stomach settle down, and spent a lot of time on the treadmill and lifting weights. We went to Monster Jam with the kids and ate out numerous times and I still lost weight because I couldn't eat more than a few bites without wanting to vomit. That stuff was horrible, but it was better than the swollen face and infected bite! So, on Monday I went back thinking that I would ease my way back in and take it easy. Apparently, I thought wrong. I had to endure an hour of the trainer also known as Satan during a one-on-one workout. Fan.tas.tic. There was only one other girl there and she was new so I got the pleasure of being beaten on for the whole hour. It had been 2 weeks or so since I had to squat to avoid hits, roundhouse kick, or throw punches meant to knock down a 225 pound person. I.hurt.so.bad. The Ibuprofen bottle and I are good friends right now. Yesterday it just hurt when I would move from standing to sitting or sitting to standing. Last night I couldn't sleep because my muscles were just screaming at me all night long. And you know what? I hauled my ass back in there again this morning. Because I'm badass. My knuckles hurt (but they aren't bleeding because I borrowed some awesome new wraps because I forgot to wash mine and they smelled so incredibly bad), my legs hurt, my abs hurt, my arms hurt, my shoulders hurt, and my feet are calloused because I prefer to go barefoot. I have bruises on my thighs, but they don't hurt. I think it's just because everything else hurts more. I'm beyond exhausted because after all this I had to come home and do hours of homework and I walked on the treadmill. If I sit for very long I feel about 90 years old when I try to get back up so it's easier to just keep moving. But, it's ok! I'm feeling great! I may feel like it, but I no longer look like I got in a fight! I'm not throwing up and I'm eating normally again! My leg doesn't look like it's got a hole in it! I will gladly take my soreness because it means I'm healthy again and putting my body to work doing what it was meant to do. Your body is only as healthy as what you do with it and you only get one chance. I'm going to push mine to the limit and see just what it's capable of. I bought a bracelet yesterday that says, "Dreams become reality one choice at a time" and I think that sums up my philosophy. Your dreams are closer to being accomplished with each good choice you make, and are pushed farther away with every bad choice. That means you don't have to make good choices every time, but your good choices have to outnumber the bad if you want to keep moving forward and accomplish your goals. Otherwise, it's just one step forward and 2 steps back.

Feeling Better!

Guess who woke up feeling completely normal this morning? ME!! My eye is still just slightly red in the corner and maybe a tad swollen, but it's really not even noticeable. When I dropped Jack off at school everyone commented how much better I look today. They've seen this whole progression and the difference between yesterday and today is remarkable. Yay!

I felt so much better that I HAD to workout. I was going crazy! I'm not dumb enough to go into the gym and expose myself to God knows what, but I did do the Jillian Michaels Shed and Shred video for an hour and 40 minutes. I love it and I think it's my favorite video she's done. I also really like Yoga Meltdown, but I'm really over 30 Day Shred. I've done the 30 Day Shred and it's fantastic and gives results, but it gets boring if you've done it a lot before. Shed and Shred incorporates yoga, kickboxing, and Jiu-Jistsu for an excellent workout. I may add this in to my normal workout rotation because I really enjoyed it! I normally HATE workout videos, but this one moves quickly and the moves are interesting.

Now I must finish up some school work. Is it sad that I'm already wishing it was spring break?