Why Feelings Are Overrated

I don't post a lot about how I feel about this process because honestly, I just can't let myself go there most days. I try to separate how I feel about it from the process of it so that I don't lose my mind or lose focus. Today that was just impossible. This is one of the worst periods I've had in a long time. I'm in so much pain that it's hard to focus. I couldn't sleep well last night and even now, 24 hours later, I can't bend to either side without feeling like I'm being stabbed in the uterus. It's absolutely awful and it's a very painful reminder of what I can't have right now. I want to cry pretty much all the time, but I don't because I don't want Matt or the kids to realize how hard it is. I've been watching our insurance claims come through because I was fairly certain that they wouldn't cover any of our testing (even though the office called to verify and I have a reference number for it saying they would cover my labs) and everything went through over the weekend with whopping sum of $2500 left unpaid. That doesn't cover the labs, ultrasound, HSG, and scheduling appointment that we have in the coming weeks. My heart just sank when I saw that. All the money we were hoping to use to cycle in October may now get used to cover just the testing that has already been done and the remaining that still has to be done. If that's the case I have absolutely no clue when we will actually be able to our IVF and if we don't do it by the end of the year we will lose our grant money. I seriously contemplated just giving up today. Is it really worth the disappointment every month when my period shows up and I have no idea when we will be able to afford IVF? How many more months will I have to do this? Can I just keep myself from being so attached to this process that it has me in tears every month that we aren't able to do it yet again? At least once a month I reach this horrible breaking point where I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know how to be ok with the fact that it's just money keeping us from doing this. I don't know how to not be angry about it. I don't know how to get over the fact that if we didn't have that stupid house and all of the stupid payments that go with it we would be able to afford it right now. I just don't know how to get past everything and just be ok knowing it will somehow work out...