There have been many things happening lately, and I really don't know if I want to post about it for all the world to see, but there's only like 10 people who actually read this so I think I'm pretty safe. :) It al started when I was pregnant with Jack and developed a polyp on my cervix and caused me to bleed through the entire pregnancy. After I delivered it went away without any problems, but I had an abnormal pap come back a couple of years later. It went back to normal so I've just been going yearly and assuming everything would be fine. A few months ago I went in for my yearly appointment and I got the dreaded call that things were not normal and they were putting me on some medicine to see it it helped and they would repeat it. Back I went to the doctor, waited for the call, and was told yet again it wasn't normal. Not only was it still not normal, it was even weirder than the first one! Last week I went in to have a cervical biopsy done. I will tell you that if they ever say "it's just a pinch and some cramping," they are totally lying out their ass. It hurt horribly and I'm still kind of sore a week later! They don't think it's anywhere near cancer or anything scary, but it's abnormal cell growth that will have to be removed at some point in the near-ish future. Now this typically wouldn't be an issue for someone who is done having children. They could just go in (although they better numb the damn thing for that!) and remove the cells and it would slightly shorten the cervix. The problem is that we have discussed wanting another child for a long time. I didn't know if I could handle another pregnancy after Jack. The bleeding was just awful, and then he wasn't (still isn't…) the easiest child in the world. I also know that Matt works pretty much constantly. I don't remember ever going on a trip or even out to dinner without his computer or phone being attached to him for at lead 50% of the time. Having a c-section with Jack and being thrown into being a mom of 2 little ones pretty much on my own was hard. It was really hard. I am not delusional and I know this will be my reality again. I know that having a baby will pretty much be in my court and I have 2 very active children that will still require 100% from me. Can I handle that with 1 pregnancy resulting in 1 baby? Absolutely! But then there's the issue that we will be undergoing IVF in order to get pregnant so there's a high chance of multiples. I'm scared of being pregnant with twins and having 2 children at home with little help. I'm scared of having 2 newborns at home, recovering from a c-section, and running the older 2 to activities and school. So how do I know that we should be going forward and doing it anyways? Because I'm much more terrified of it not working. It scares me more to think of not having more children than it does to deal with the practicalities of doubling our amount of children in one pregnancy. So we don't have a date yet. I'm doing all of the labs and testing required in the next few weeks and we will go from there. I still have 1 more appointment with my OB/GYN to get the final results from the biopsy, then when he clears me for treatment I can proceed with the RE for an IVF plan. So that's where we are. I have a million things thrown up in the air and I'm just running back and forth trying to catch them before they fall.
Oh and I'm down 16 pounds. :)
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