What a Difference a Year Makes

One year ago I was sitting in bed and realizing that I was so done. I knew I needed to make some major changes in my life and not look back. I was taking a leap of faith and just hoping that things would work out. I realized that some people I was allowing to be in my life were not worthy of my time or attention. I didn't drastically do anything, I just let the situation kind of dissolve itself. I backed off and just waited it out. I went to bed by 10 PM most nights and started running consistently again each morning. I finally started to feel like I was going to be alright. I took a huge leap of faith and sent a simple text just saying, "I miss you." It wasn't an overnight change and I honestly had no idea where my life was going at that point, but I knew I couldn't continue the way it was. I wanted to forgive and be forgiven. I realized the only person I could change was myself and I would start there. Recently I've been reading a book "Let's Just Pretend this Never Happened," and I finally felt like someone else understood. Generalized Anxiety Order is very real. The weird shit that still goes through my head just doesn't make sense. The difference is, I've finally realized that just because I'm worried about something doesn't mean it's a logical fear. I still struggle to really let go of things and just relax. It takes a lot of effort for me to just go with the flow and trust the process. I'm working on it. So where does this lead me to? Well, I'm currently on vacation on one of the most beautiful islands in the world with the love of my life who still annoys me by working and doing accounting on vacation. But guess what? It's fine. It's giving me time to write a blog post and that NEVER happens these days. My head has been elsewhere lately. I've got a lot of things going on and it takes a lot for me to stay focused on everything and not get overwhelmed and anxious. It's a fine line. I've spent the last year just trying to be ok. The doctor I saw last May said I would know in a year how well I would be able to cope and adjust. My diet has definitely suffered because of this, but I'd rather have a few pounds to lose and keep my sanity. Will I ever really be "ok?" I doubt it. I don't think the general feeling of anxiousness will ever go away, but I'm in such a better place now than I was a year ago. I feel like I have some traction under my feet again and it feels good. I am going back to seeing a personal trainer and working on building up my weight training again once we get home. Matt has agreed to go with me too. I'm sure he's suuuuuper excited. :) It's one of my favorite things, but it's really hard to do alone. I need a trainer to push me to the edge of death apparently. And with the kids out of school for summer we will have to find a routine that works for us. I miss our old YMCA where I had friends to workout with and could drop the kids off any time and they had friends who would be in the Kid Zone. I don't think they love the Kids Club at our gym and I don't love that I have to make reservations for them every.single.time I want to go to the gym. It's annoying. I also can't go to boxing without taking them to a separate child care place first so I haven't been for weeks. I need to find my workout groove again. I miss my Turbokick friends, I miss easy gym childcare, and I miss having friends to workout with while on the stupid machines. I don't know how to go about solving those problems though. I'm considering switching to our YMCA instead of the Rec Center in hopes that it will be better, but I don't know. I'll worry about it when we get home from vacation. :)