7 Weeks

I've debated posting anything because I have no guarantee of how this will turn out. I can't imagine having to tell people yet again that a pregnancy has failed. But you know what? I feel pretty good about it this time. This is the most pregnant I've been in 7 years. I'm beyond exhausted all the time, the nausea is horrible, none of my pants fit, and I haven't been able to cook anything for 2 weeks. It's wonderful. I wouldn't trade it for anything. This was so unexpected and to say we were shocked is an understatement. Best birthday gift ever!

Now, how am I staying pregnant? I take a shit ton of medication. I take thyroid medicine before I get out of bed, aspirin and special prenatal vitamins with iodine at lunch, and lovenox and progesterone at night. To make this even more fun I had to add Zofran this week because I was getting really car sick. I've always had issues with this, but this pregnancy has made it 1000 times worse. And since it can cause horrible constipation, I also get to take Colace every day. I have to be able to drive though. It's kind of necessary.

I have an ultrasound Tuesday and will be released to my OB that day. That's a huge step for me. I will also see a perinatologist too, but I'm not sure how all of that will work yet. And I am 99% sure it's a boy. :) I used to think I really wanted another girl, but honestly my daughter is by far the more difficult child these days. We will be thrilled with either, but I really think it's a boy. 

Moving of the Embryos

Well this was interesting...

I'm Just That Special

Last week I got yet another diagnosis that sucks. She tested me for such rare things since I've had so many miscarriages and nobody else had tested me. My lupus antibodies test came back positive and it looks like I have thrombophlia. We are still waiting for a couple more tests, but I'm hoping this is the end of it. Apparently I have autoimmune diseases on top of autoimmune diseases. Isn't that fab? Oh and apparently ivf and raised estrogen levels could have killed me with blood clots so at least i made it out alive. That's something.

The good news is that I can stay pregnant with treatment! It will just require lots of appointments and shots of heparin. That's in addition to all the labs I'll need for my thyroid. I'll essentially live at the doctor's office for my whole pregnancy. But, I don't care. Whatever it takes. Just leave it to me to have that "it's really rare but we should test it to cover our bases" disease.

Now we just have to get my body under control and save up some money because this shit is expensive! The chromosome testing alone was $2000! I have no idea what insurance will cover as far as the autoimmune testing, and I know they won't cover the saline sono. It's looking like we will owe around $4000 just for testing. Then we will either have a frozen or fresh ivf to pay for too. A frozen would be around $5000, and a fresh would be around $15,000 with meds. Ugh!! I would love to get off this roller coaster soon! 

In better news, my AMH was 8! So I have lots of eggs! I have to wait for my cycle to start before I can do my FSH and other 3 day labs. Then we will meet with her again and make a treatment plan.

OMG Finally

Since I started on my medicine I have lost 4 lbs. In just one week!! That makes 12 lbs gone. I've been struggling with counting calories, running, and gaining weight for 2 freaking years. No matter what I did it just wouldn't come off. I'm breathing such a sigh of relief that the medicine is helping in so many aspects. I feel so much better! I'm not so tired all the time, I'm losing weight, and my hair has stopped falling out! I'm so excited for this change! Now let's just hope it helps me stay pregnant! We still have several weeks to wait for test results, then the saline sono the next month, and I *might* get to do ivf in October. Of course starting in October means I won't transfer until late November. In a few weeks we will sit down with the doctor and map out a plan. For right now I'm just glad we seem to be headed in the right direction.

Terrified, but Hopeful

Today we sat down with a new doctor for over an hour and went over everything in my chart. It was honestly a very hard experience. Much more so than I thought it would be. We had to discuss every single miscarriage and all the gory details. We didn't even fully discuss treatments. It took us the whole hour plus some just to cover the past miscarriages and testing we need done. So today I had 15 vials of blood drawn. And it's just round 1. I have to go back on CD 3 for more. She is testing our chromosome compatibility, some clotting disorders, and some other autoimmune things. IF everything comes back fine from those then we will move forward with a fresh ivf cycle in several months. I have to get my thyroid level to be around 2 (tsh) for 30 days before we can cycle most likely. Also, we will do a different protocol. First I will have a saline sono to flush all old lining out of my uterus, then I will do a long lupron (God I hate lupron) cycle with a short stimulation period (9 days) with the goal of 15-20 eggs. I will also have to take steroids during my first trimester most likely in order to fight the autoimmune disorder. It's beyond overwhelming for me. I did not want to do another fresh cycle. I still wouldn't say I'm thrilled about it, but this woman is crazy smart and has ivf babies herself. She gives me hope. I'm slightly terrified of another ivf, ohss, another pregnancy, another loss... If anyone can make this work though, I believe it's her. 

Hashimoto's Disease

I got my thyroid results a few days ago, but it's just now something I understand enough to write about. I have Hashimoto's Disease. Essentially, my thyroid is shutting down because my body is attacking it. It's an autoimmune disease and I will deal with it for the rest of my life. The treatment is 1 pill a day and more diet restrictions than I can keep straight yet. I have to take my medicine first thing in the morning and then I can't eat for an hour after that. I also can't take any vitamins or anything with dairy for 4 hours. This is killing my breakfast because I always have a protein shake! I usually use almond milk, PB2, and whey protein. I don't know what to eat now!!

So for just a rundown of the basics, here's a list of things I can't have:
-Anything with gluten. Ever. Like ZERO.
-Soy
-Milk or almond milk within 4 hours of medicine
-Eggs within 4 hours of medicine
-Corn
-Grains

Things I should probably cut out but it will be a process:
-Dairy of any kind
-Nuts
-Beans
-Potatoes
-Sugar

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I can eat. I need to be able to do some sort of protein shake for breakfast, I'm just not sure how to go about that yet. The protein powder I usually use has a little bit of soy protein in it and I can't have the milk. I haven't asked about coconut milk yet but that could be a possibility maybe. I would still probably have to wait a good 2 hours before I could drink it though. Ugh. This process sucks. On the bright side, as soon as I get it under control then we can do another frozen IVF cycle! We have our consult with a new doctor on Tuesday!

Eh.. Random Crap

So... I killed my body media fit. Like, for reals. I forgot I had it on and got in the pool yesterday. Oops!! Oh well.

Still waiting on thyroid ultrasound results, still dieting, hoping to run today after a 2 week break because of moving. 

Oh and I found a new favorite food!! It's chicken, pineapple, sliced peppers, and Franks Red Hot sauce. Omg. Awesome. I 

Pictures

I love this kitchen

Our bathroom

I have a whole room to fold laundry!!

The kids foyer outside their rooms

Playroom... With its own balcony

Madison's room

(Still need to assemble that nightstand...)

Madison's bathroom area

Jacks bathroom area

Looking down from upstairs

Move Update

We are moved and mostly unpacked! I have about 4 boxes left, but they are holiday items and coats. I am so over this move right now so I'm glad it's done. 

Matt and I have matching splints now because after being in pain for several hours and thinking I had for sure broken something, I went to urgent care and I developed such bad tendonitis in my wrist that it was swollen and I have a lovely cyst there now. Fantastic. 

There was also some insurance confusion over my thyroid ultrasound that was scheduled for Friday so now I have to reschedule that as well.

But I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief that I'm no longer packing, unpacking, or cleaning for the first time in 6 weeks!

Blech

Still Sick, And Moving...

Sick Day

No Exercise/"Cheat Meal"

Body media

I love my fitbit, but I'm pulling out the big guns for the next 3 months. I put on my body media armband yesterday so I can figure out exactly what I'm burning and what I need to be doing. This was yesterday's and I'll be posting each day. Lucky you!

Answers!

It sounds like we finally have an answer for the repeated miscarriages! The only problem is, we've had this answer for MONTHS and my current Dr. just wasn't treating it. WTF. After a trip to my OB/GYN yesterday (and OMG I seriously love this man…he could be my brother we are so much alike) he fought with their office to get my records after I told him everything that was going on and he told me that it's pretty obvious that my thyroid is the big red flag. He may have called Dr. G some very ugly names, but the repeated term was "that idiot." After lots of time in his office, several phone calls, and lots of colorful language, we now have an appointment with a new doctor for July 16th. This isn't going to be a quick process at all and it's going to be some trial and error, but he thinks our issue is totally fixable with the right treatment and they're willing to help us figure it all out. The next 6 months will be spent trying some medications, diet changes (Ugh.. I hate giving up gluten and sugar), and trying some vitamins/minerals to bring down my anti-thyroid antibodies and leveling out my T3 and T4 levels. This will all be done in correlation with my PCP so I see her next week to get another update on where my levels are right now.

This was all totally unexpected. I just went in yesterday to have my pap test ran again (and I got scheduled for another lovely chance to get my cervix snipped in October) and I was just venting to him about my frustrations with the whole process. He knows me well enough to know that I'm not a difficult patient and I'm also not an idiot. I was telling him how frustrated I was that we didn't really know what else to do besides walk away and start the adoption process. He said I shouldn't have to be making these choices because my REI (Dr. G) should be telling me what the best course of action is and he should be presenting me all the options and treatment plans. He also should be treating me for the obvious problem I have that increases my chance of miscarriage! I didn't expect to spend my whole day talking to him and figuring out a plan. I didn't expect to be given this second chance. I didn't expect him to hug me and tell me that he will help me in whatever way he can to help me get the treatment I need. He has even offered to treat my thyroid issue himself if nobody else will and then I could do a frozen cycle and not worry about dealing with an REI to deal with the underlying issue. I don't think that will be an issue though because he called both my PCP and the new REI and it seems everyone is in agreement. I don't know if I even want to know what he said to Dr. G's office because I know he was totally pissed off at them after he got off the phone with them. It's unbelievably wonderful to have a doctor willing to fight for you and genuinely care. He is not just a good doctor, but also a good person. I was ready to walk away from this process, and he's the one who is pushing me and saying 'not yet.' He also encouraged me to run that half marathon before doing another cycle. He gets why I need that right now.

So I guess we just keep on keeping on and I'm excited for new eyes and a new opinion to take a look at things. The next 6 months could be interesting.

And it is so amazing that while I've been writing this my 7 year old son is watching YouTube videos about how to draw things and is drawing them! He just did a dinosaur drawing tutorial and it's so good to see him doing something productive this summer! There certainly isn't much else to do since our house is pretty much all boxed up...

Race #1

Just Keep Swimming

Sometimes life leads us in a different direction than we had originally planned and that's where we are right now. We have spent the last 16 months trying to have a baby and we have invested a lot of time and money into this process with no return. I'm not bitter about it and I'm not angry because I have no regrets. If we hadn't done those 3 ivf cycles I would have always said 'what if' and I didn't want to always wonder if it would have worked. IVF is the answer for a lot of people, but it's just not the answer for us. I get pregnant but we have no reason for the many miscarriages we have been through. I use the term 'we' loosely there because 'we' weren't up for almost 5 days straight from massive amounts of pain and bleeding. I don't feel any grief over the process and I'm ready to move forward. Of course I mourn the babies that should have been, but I'm not mourning the loss of my ability to have a baby. I have 2 children and I have experienced pregnancy and childbirth. I also know it's not all it's cracked up to be. I had 2 difficult pregnancies, many miscarriages, an NICU baby, pre-eclampsia, hyperemesis, and a c-section. I think that's plenty and I'm not mourning the loss of my ability to do it again. Any child that comes into this house will be my baby regardless of how he or she gets here.

So that leads me to our decision. After we get moved and settled, we are starting our home study for adoption. The biggest hold up in this is money at this point because we need roughly $25,000 in the bank at the time we are matched. We don't have that right now so we are looking into loans, grants, or anything else that will help us get there. It's stressful and I am very realistic about this process. There will be bumps in the road and I'm sure this will not be an easy road. Adoption isn't the easy choice or a back-up plan for us. It's something we have discussed since before we had Madison. We want another child (or children) in our home and there are children who need homes. It just makes the most sense.

Maybe next time I'll discuss how you think you're going to die when you haven't run consistently for months and decided to train for a half marathon. Because that has been all kinds of fun.

The Obvious

Dieting while traveling sucks. It just does. I brought my cooler with fruits, yogurt, waters, and vitamuffins so that I wouldn't have to eat what was convenient. I brought my awesome blender so I could have protein shakes for breakfast each morning and I've had simple salads with fat free dressing for any meals we've had to eat out. I even got up at the crack of dawn Tuesday morning to run a couple miles so I would only miss 2 workout days, and even with that I swam yesterday and did 30 minutes of water jogging. I haven't gone over my calories once! Tonight is Jack's birthday dinner so I'm sure it won't be super healthy, but I ate really light for lunch and breakfast to make up for it. 

So this brings me to the fact that my mother's first words to me were, "What did you do, gain some of your weight back?" I wanted to slap her. I've been through 3 miscarriages and 3 ivf cycles in the past year. I know I've got about 40 lbs to lose again. I'm not an idiot and I'm not blind. My size 4/6 jeans don't fit so yeah I know I've gained some weight back. In the last 3 weeks I've lost 6 lbs because I'm running and counting every calorie I consume. I know how to lose weight and be healthy. I also know that my body has been through hell in the last year and I've done the best I could. We won't try again until I've lost this weight at this point. I'm actually planning on running 4 races this fall/winter including a half marathon! But leave it to my mother to make me feel like crap about it. No baby and I gained weight. Thanks for pointing out the obvious.

Moving Again

We are very excited to be making our next (and hopefully final) move! This house is right around the corner from the elementary school and park. We are within a few blocks of most of our friends too so I'm really excited about that. We get keys July 1st and I can't wait! 

Infertility Sucks

Well, after several positive tests, then a positive beta, then a falling beta... I am nowhere. Waiting for beta #3 just to be sure it's not ectopic. I don't know where we go from here honestly. I don't have a lot of faith in doing 3 more FET cycles. They are expensive, time consuming, and we don't exactly have great history with ivf. I'm not crazy about throwing another $10,000 at something I don't have a lot of faith in at this point. I have a few calls in to some other doctors and I'm waiting to see what I hear back from them. I'm also due to have my thyroid rechecked in a few weeks. Oh and my repeat cervical biopsy is next month. Yay. 

We are seriously considering just cutting our losses right now and taking the kids to Disney in August. I don't want to deal with another miscarriage and I'm not quite ready to head straight into adoption. Since I'm only 28 we still have plenty of time for that.

So I don't have any answers and I have no idea where this will take us. It's all kind of up in the air right now.

I See the Finish Line!

Tomorrow is beta day!! I already know the outcome, but want to hear from my doctor before I say much of anything. I'm mostly just thankful the last 11 days have passed somewhat quickly. After tomorrow we will know more about how to proceed from this point so I'm looking forward to that. The next 24 hours are going to drag on forever. I know he'll call me last. I swear he always does. 

Finally

Today I am finally feeling somewhat normal. I'm still sore, but no pain. I'm very tired from the progesterone shots and feel like a walking zombie, but at least I'm a pain free zombie! If these embryos stick around the ohss can get worse again so I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm hoping they stick around, but the ohss doesn't return! I'm going to accupunture a few times this week and somehow I have to make it another 10 days until my beta without going crazy.

Seeing the Signs...to Nowhere

There are certain signs they tell you watch for with OHSS and I've got every single one. Nausea? Check! Pain? Check! Hard to breathe? Check! Gaining 3-4 lbs a day in fluid? Check! Extreme thirt? Check! Decreased urine output? Check! Swollen hands/feet? Check! You know what they can do about it? Not a damn thing. If I start vomiting, quit peeing completely, start coughing from lack of breathing, or the pain gets so bad I can't stand it then I go to the ER and they can drain the fluid through my abdomen. Doesn't ivf sound like so much fun?? Not. More than once this week I have thought I was dying. For real.

2 Embryos

These are my 2 embryos we transferred today. One is perfect and 9 cells, the other is good and 7 cells. Both are considered to be very capable of making babies. Lets all pray they stick around for about 9 months!

For Real?

There are not even words to describe how messed up everything is right now. My retrieval was beyond awful. I woke up crying and in so much pain I could barely speak. I don't think I've ever hurt so bad in my entire life, and I've given birth to 2 children. It took several hours to get things under control, and I use that term loosely. Then I woke up this morning (after very little sleep) and realized I gained 8 pounds overnight. Not good. So now I have OHSS, but it's only moderate so I get to stay home at this point chugging Gatorade and popping Tylenol 3 like candy. And then comes the fun part! Dr. G wanted to freeze everything today and do the transfer next month. I knew this was coming and I was prepared to fight him on it, except I was all drugged up yesterday and could barely think. Luckily, Dr. M knew I was not really functional and didn't force me to make a decision. We talked a lot yesterday afternoon and he gave me options I hadn't considered. We froze 9 embryos today and have 5 in the lab still. On Saturday we will transfer whatever of those survive and if this fails we have enough embryos for 2-3 more cycles. It's a compromise. I'm also doing things Dr. G told me not to, but Dr. M said are ok. I'm going to acupuncture starting tomorrow and drinking coffee to hopefully help with the bloating. I only have about a 20% chance of this cycle working, but at least it's a chance. He gave me a 90% overall success rate over the next 3-4 months. I hope I beat the odds and this cycle works, but honestly right now I just want the pain to stop.

The Day Before Retrieval...Again

Tomorrow is retrieval day. Thank God. I am beyond miserable. I have 23 follicles measuring over 15, and several more that won't be mature enough to fertilize. Last time I ended up with 10 mature follicles and tons that weren't mature. This time they have all grown together, but that means my ovaries are big and extremely uncomfortable!! I can't sleep because they are pushing on everything and there's no position that is comfortable. Then last Friday Dr. G sprung the news on me that my lining was a little too thick and he was considering freezing all my embryos and doing a FET next month. Uhm, no. Not happening. My lining is at 18 and I have a tiny polyp close to my cervix. Is this ideal? Nope. But the polyp isn't in an area where the embryo would implant so that's not enough for me to cancel at this point. My lining is thick, but it's healthy and not old lining. Again, not enough to cancel things at this point. I haven't even approached the subject of transferring 2 embryos instead of 1. He's not going to like that either. I'm just tired of having my doctor make all these choices for me while I sit back and do as I'm told. That hasn't gotten me anywhere so now I'm pushing for what I want this time. Dr. M (the embryologist) will be in charge starting tomorrow. I trust him and have no doubts about putting my embryos in his hands. He will be reasonable with me and we will make a plan. I'm just hoping tomorrow morning goes well and we actually make it to transfer next Monday. 

IVF Update

I haven't posted as much this cycle, but I will say its going very well so far. My E2 levels are rising nicely and my follicles are all growing at about the same pace. Last time they were all different sizes at this point, but today they were all measuring 8-10. All 21 of them he was able to count. So next week I'll have my retrieval. Finally! I'm ready for this to be over and just know so I can move forward.

This sucks

Sitting here at my doctor's office and everyone is here for pregnancy ultrasounds this morning. I don't want to be jealous and hateful, but it's really hard to see couple after couple parade in and out of here with their baby pictures. They have what I want and it's so hard to not be jealous that they got their babies and I'm still here. Most of the time I do ok, but when it's right there in your face its a lot harder. These aren't my friends. My friends I am thrilled for! I love seeing them happy! These are just couples getting what I want. And today it sucks.

National Infertility Awareness Week

I find it very interesting that I'm in the midst of ivf during Infertility Awareness Week. I have dealt with infertility in some form or another for 10 years. I've had cysts, polyps, endometriosis, thyroid issues, multiple miscarriages...the list goes on. I've seen some of my favorite bloggers go on to have happy and complete families, and I've seen some give up the fight. There isn't a right or wrong way to handle this situation so I just do what I do best. I talk. I don't see infertility as something embarrassing or too personal to discuss. Everyone parent from jack's baseball team knows we are doing ivf. Madison's teacher knows, my friends know, our families know, the kids know...the mailman probably knows! Through a weight loss club I'm a member of I know another girl starting this process for the first time the same day as my retrieval. She's seeing the other dr I considered with similar issues we are dealing with. I don't feel alone in this and I don't sit around thinking "why me?" If God only gives you what he thinks you can handle, then He must think I'm a total badass. I can beat infertility. I'm already a mother so I've already won.

If any of you want to read an amazing book about a journey through ivf, read 'Single Infertile Woman.' I related to so much of what she was going through and she puts into words things that I just can't find the words for. It reads like a good book, not an informational pamphlet. While we all have different reasons for ivf, our feelings about it and desperation are pretty much the same.

Playing the Odds

This is always the part of ivf that makes me have doubts about this whole process. My retrieval is scheduled for 15 days from now. The shots don't bother me, the chance of having twins no longer scares me as much, and the pain of retrieval doesn't cross my mind. It's the paralyzingly fear that this won't work. I can't do this again. I can't and I won't. I'm scared to death that I will go through all of this and not get my baby. This is a complete numbers game. Each fresh cycle has about a 50% chance of working. Each frozen cycle has a 20% chance of working. I've had both fail. There is a 50% chance this will work, but that means there is a 50% chance it won't. My doctor says my odds are probably a bit better because of my age and having 2 children already so he puts me around the 70% range. I have had my share of falling on the bad side of the numbers game, so it should be my turn to be on the good side this time. Too bad it doesn't work that way...

Step 1, DONE!

I am done with pills! I'm doing 1 shot per day of Lupron, and will add 2 more per day (menopur and Gonal-f) in the next week depending on when my period starts. I am so glad to be done with those evil pills.

This Sucks

This is feeling like it's the longest ivf cycle ever. I had some weird flu like virus and now I have an awful cold! All in the last 2 weeks. I think my immune system is just shot right now. Oh and I can't take anything for any of it. So I'm just here, doing my shots, popping some pills, and waiting for the next month to pass.

Oh The Joys of IVF

Oh my God the headaches and bloating suck. The needles are the easy part. Just another day in the life of an IVF veteran.

Gold Star For Me!

When I get my ivf calendar it's almost like I earned a gold star. No cysts, E2 is good, I get to start injections. Yay? I actually always like this appointment because I get all my forms, I have a plan, and I get the "nothing but Tylenol and prenatal vitamin" speech. This is when shit gets real and I'm sucked in. As a bonus, I was talking to my favorite nurse and she said Dr. G ripped the other nurse's ass because I didn't like her. She's messed up some messages and minor things, but mostly I just don't like how stuck up she acts all the time. When she called me back today she was so sweet and wonderful. I honestly thought maybe she was high or something. When she stepped out the other nurse came in all like, "OMG you have to hear this!" and told me all about it. I think that means I officially outrank her. Apparently he told her that I am by far his easiest patient to deal with and if she can't get along with me then she won't last long. Both doctors always say I'm so practical and positive and they love patients like me. We have a good relationship honestly. When I speak up about something they listen because they know I respect them and trust them. I almost always go on their recommendations and rarely complain. I am literally trusting them with my future and babies. They are as invested as I am and I love that. So here we go again. Dr. G, Dr. M, and me are going to make some babies. Oh and my husband if he's in town. Is it weird that he isn't necessary for the actual day I get the embryos transferred? He only has to show up one day, and that's mostly just because I can't drive after being knocked out. :)

Yeah, I'm Trying

IVF update

This IVF cycle is already incredibly hard for me so I sure hope it works! I'm starving, nauseous, exhausted, and cranky!! I start my first round of injectable meds this week so I'll be adding hot flashes and headaches to the mix. I slept 12 hours last night and could seriously use a nap. I'm that tired. I'm doing a shorter bcp/lupron cycle this time so I'll be starting stims April 26th as of right now. In 5 weeks I will be done with all of this!! Then it's the awful progesterone shots and I'm dreading those so much this time. Last cycle they hurt so bad and I had so many bruises. I just hope it's all worth it because this is sucking the life out of me!

Metabolic Testing

This morning I had my resting metabolic rate tested and it was so informative!! I knew my metabolism wasn't great so I just really wanted to know how bad it was. My RMR is just under 1400. That means if I do nothing all day, I could eat 1400 a day and break even. Of course I don't sit around and do nothing all day, so I can eat about 1485 if I go to the gym and burn 400+ calories that day and lose about a pound a week. I've been working on weight lifting more lately to try to up my metabolism so we'll see in a few months if it helps. The other thing I learned is that my body burns carbs for a long time before it burns fat. The dietitian said I can't really eat many carbs if I want to lose weight because my body won't easily burn fat until I've burned off all carbs. That's really fine because I don't eat much wheat or dairy anyways. I just really wanted to know what I was dealing with going into a pregnancy because I don't want to gain a lot. Seeing a dietitian and personal trainer should help with that I hope!

Easter

This Easter has been so much fun! Remember that post way back when about me trying to be open to new friendships? Well, bootcamp threw a new best friend right into my lap. We suffered through that together for a while, but she hurt her knee and I was starting ivf around the same time so we joined a gym together. We have spent almost every day over the last few weeks together and our families spent Easter together. The kids hunted eggs, we cooked, and the men worked the grill. Her 13 year old son plays catch with Jack, the husbands get along, and the 2 girls love each other. I adore her 2 year old daughter and spoil her rotten. :) We seriously spend almost all of our time together. She even comes to my ivf appointments with me because its normally pretty boring to wait there alone. We go to the gym every single day and keep each other on track. It's nice to have that and I appreciate her so much.


And speaking of ivf, nothing to report. I'm still in shut down mode and go back the 11th before starting lupron. Stims start the 26th. Maybe. This cycle is weird so who knows. I'm just going with it.

One Last Time

Today is cycle day 1. I almost talked myself out of it yesterday, but here we go one last time. My beta isn't until June so this is going to seem like forever!

This week is insane and I'm running out the door in 2 seconds, but yesterday a friend and I met with a personal trainer. Tomorrow we get labs done for a nutrition profile and then next week we are doing metabolic testing. I'm very excited about that. It's something I've wanted to do for years!

Changes!

I am now on day 2 of giving up coffee and dairy and I haven't killed anyone yet. No gluten, dairy, or caffeine is HARD! My thyroid level is right at 1 so it should be at a level where I'm less likely to miscarry. It's worth it if it works. I have to give up the coffee in a few weeks anyways so I thought if just go ahead and give it up now. I've never tried to give up dairy so I would say I'm really trying to limit dairy at this point. I had a bit of organic ranch on my salad at lunch so I'm not completely crazy about it. No cheese or milk though. I will still have an occasional Starbucks drink, but not for a few weeks.

I don't know when exactly my next cycle will start or end. We are doing something slightly different this time so I'm unsure of how long it will take. I start birth control pills in the next 10 days and I'll have the full 28 days of those before 14 days of Lupron and then 12 days of stims. I'm just going with it.

In the meantime, a friend and I are working out and kicking ass together. We both had to give up boot camp for now (me doing ivf, she hurt her knee) so we joined a gym and start seeing a personal trainer next week. I gained 5 lbs during our 9 day vacation that I'm working off now.

Dysfunctional.. Just My Thyroid This Time

I got my lab results back today from my latest thyroid panel and its no bueno. After more miscarriages than I count anymore and years of watching my thyroid panels be 'ok' it finally isn't 'ok' anymore. My levels dropped so that my TSH is now under 1 and I have a high level of antibodies. What does this mean? Well, nothing right now. We are proceeding with our ivf when my next cycle starts while my levels are still bordering on normal. I will get tested a lot if I actually get pregnant to ensure that I get on medicine if needed. If this cycle doesn't work then we will treat the thyroid issue. At least we finally have an answer for some things. The answer just kind of sucks and within the next year I'll most likely be dealing with full on thyroid dysfunction. Whatever. I'm going to Disneyland. I'm waiting for the kids to get out of school and then we are out of here!!

Wednesday Boot Camp

I don't even know how I talked myself into it, but I made it to boot camp. I am now laying on the couch and I've already taken some Tylenol cold and flu so that maybe I can be functional again at some point today. My sinuses burn from breathing in the cold (55 degrees) air while congested. I was supposed to go shopping and have lunch with a friend today, but she saw how close I was to death by the time I left boot camp today and I don't think she wanted my fabulous illness. The rest of my day will probably involve some Friends reruns and House Hunters.

Boot camp

It's taken me 3 weeks, but I finally love boot camp. It took me a while to get used to the trainer and the workouts. I'm shocked that I actually ended up staying later today chatting with someone and then we were able to ask the trainer some questions we had. I don't know if I've lost any weight because my ass is avoiding the scale like the plague. I do know that I feel awesome! In fact, I feel so good that I considered pushing our ivf back a month or two. I doubt I will because I'm anxious to get started, but just the fact that it crossed my mind is a big deal. I'm enjoying my workouts enough that I'm not looking forward to giving them up anytime soon.

Heart Rate Monitor

Since I'm doing more running and interval training, I invested in a new Polar ft4. It is awesome! This morning's run was 3 miles, 30 minutes, 300 calories burned. I'm irritated that the scale is up 3 lbs because of pms, massive weight training, and running again. Oh well. My body can do things today that it couldn't do 3 weeks ago so I'm pretty damn proud.

9 days until our crazy vacation begins!!

2 Weeks

As of yesterday it has been 2 weeks with absolutely no gluten/flour and very little sugar. The exception for the sugar has been dark chocolate chips because a girl needs some sanity. I only have 4-5 and never after about 2pm. It's a really rare treat, but it's enough to keep me on track. I haven't gotten on the scale much, but I know my body is changing. I've been working out to the point of complete soreness and eating well so there's really not much else I could do anyways.

In other news, I've probably got 6-7 weeks until my next cycle starts. I thought it would seem like a long time, but it's creeping up on me. We only have several theme park trips (Disney, Legoland, California Adventures, and Sea World) and only 2 more full boot camp sessions until then. No big deal. Boot camps only run 4 weeks so I timed it to end around the time I start stim injections. I can continue doing it through Lupron/BCP, but they make me give it all up for stims, retrieval, transfer, until pregnancy test. I'm doing everything I can to prepare for this next cycle so I have high hopes that it will work. Fingers crossed.

Yeah. That.

No Pain No Gain I Suppose

I hurt in ways I haven't hurt for a looonnng time. My legs are so sore I can barely walk and climbing up and down stairs is nearly impossible. I had to walk through the mall yesterday and I was pretty sure I was going to die by the time I left. This morning I'm laying with the heating pad on my legs trying to loosen up my muscles for another session in about 15 minutes. I will then promptly come home and ice this time because I learned my lesson. We also have gymnastics today and I have to get some things at the store for our basket that we are assembling at school tomorrow. I'm just hoping I survive today and I can't wait to plop down in bed doped up on Motrin tonight.

Ouch

There's something very therapeutic about being so tired and sore you can barely stand. That's where I'm at right now. I love having a personal trainer and I love being pushed beyond what I think I am capable of, but 110 burpees and 110 squats this morning within the first 10 minutes almost did me in. I don't think I have EVER done 110 burpees in my life within that short of a time period. That's just brutal to do to someone on their first day! I will keep going and getting my ass kicked though because it's not just about losing weight. It's about accomplishing things you didn't know you could and pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. I will either be pregnant or I will run a half marathon before the end of 2013. I'm just training for both in case one of them doesn't work out. Strength training increases endurance which makes it easier to run. It will increase my time, speed, and distance without fail. I will not be running this week though. I am going to sit here and watch The Kardashians from last night until the motrin kicks in.

In training for the other aspect, I have about 4 containers of vitamins coming this week. It takes 3 months of taking them before you get results with egg quality so I'm amping up my eggs along with the rest of my body. :)

Comfort Zones and Comfort Foods

I've kind of taken a step out of my comfort zone lately and signed up for a women's bootcamp 3 days a week. As far as fitness, this is a hardcore training camp so that's not out of my comfort zone. What is difficult for me is the being in a room with several other women and developing friendships with these women. I'll be the first to admit that I don't actually care much for the way women treat each other. I've seen it time and time again and I just don't like being part of it. It's everything from getting "unfriended" on Facebook from someone you have known for years to not being invited to lunch or coffee when it seems everyone else is. Men are very straightforward for the most part and don't make you deal with that bullshit. Most of my friends from the time I was little were boys and I preferred it that way. No drama and if they were mad at you they told you why. Several years ago I let my guard down and joined a mom's group because I seriously needed out of the house. I met a few amazing women that I still think of often and consider friends even though we don't talk much. I also got reminded again of why I don't do female friendships. I spent numerous hours consuming ice cream and wine while "friends" went through hard spots in their marriage. I brought Kleenex and an open mind and heart. I helped take kids to school, push strollers, change diapers, and anything else I could do. I didn't do those things because I expected something in return. I learned a long time ago that you should never do things for others because you expect to get something from them. I did those things because they were my friends and I wanted them to know they could count on me. Eventually though, when I hit a time in my life where things weren't all sunshine and roses, they bailed. When I would call to talk about things (long before anyone else even knew what was going on), they didn't answer. They just told everyone how perfect their lives were and preferred to talk about me behind my back instead of talking to me. I made some poor decisions, but those girls knew the reasons why I was making those decisions and instead of defending me and telling everyone to back off (like I did for them several times), they bailed. Like I said, I did gain some friendships from that group and I greatly appreciate that some people don't believe everything they hear. Unfortunately, it was never the same after that because I never knew what they were saying about me or who believed what. Since we have moved I have gained several "friendships" that I keep at a distance and I have 1 good friend that I can vent to about anything and share all of my ups and downs with. I saw a quote the other day that said, "I'd rather have 1 quarter than 25 pennies," and I think that is dead on. I keep a very small group of people I trust nearby and I don't easily let people in that circle. Being in a small space with several women makes me feel like I have to kind of open up to new friendships, but I will forever be cautious of who I call my friend. I refuse to let past experiences make me jaded and closed off, but you do live and learn. So I'm doing this thing and then I'm going to attempt to get knocked up one last time in a few months.

In other news, as of Monday I gave up all sugar and flour in my diet. Thank God for coffee. It has no sugar, no flour, and it has kept me from killing everyone. Yesterday and today I feel GREAT. Monday and Tuesday were not so great. It doesn't help that I'm assembling our basket for the silent auction next week and our class got the theme 'baking.' I gave up sugar and flour while being bombarded with cookbooks, muffin mixes, and sugary goodness. I should get some sort of award.

Relief

I almost feel guilty writing this, but what I felt while talking to my doctors this morning was relief. I didn't feel good about this cycle at all. I knew our embryos weren't perfect. I knew my lining was just slightly off. I knew the hormones were causing my thyroid to be enlarged. I knew the progesterone has been torturous leaving welts and bruises the size of baseballs. That's why I didn't share the details, because I knew this wasn't it for me. I'm not heartbroken or sad. I am relieved that I won't be putting back questionable embryos that could lead to miscarriage. That would be heartbreaking.

We have talked a lot about what the next step is and right now there isn't one. I've been wanting to go back to seeing a personal trainer so I'm doing that. We have put off going to Disneyland so we are planning that for spring. The kids are excited that grandma is going with us to Sea World over spring break so there's that too. How can we afford those things and still go forward with anything? Well, my doctors are amazing. The have offered to do a cycle for us for almost nothing. Like 75% off what most places charge. And I have left over meds. I still don't know if I want to, but the offer is there. They felt bad for freezing questionable embryos and giving us such great odds. Honestly, I was sitting there reassuring them that I was fine this morning and didn't blame them at all. How could I possibly be upset with them? Dr. G told Dr. M that I am very practical and positive when it comes to this process and he is absolutely right. I understand and trust my doctors and the science behind all this. I'm also extremely thankful that these wonderful men are in my life and want this for our family. I am appreciative beyond words for their kindness and willingness to get us through this. Dr. G is even willing to allow me to switch from injections to inserts for progesterone next cycle because that was such as issue this time. I don't know if we will cycle again, but how can I not with this offer? Just not soon. I need some time. And to drink coffee again regularly. :)

Unplanned

The embryos survived the thaw, but all the cells had died as of this morning. No transfer for us today. :(

I Win

This weekend we went and picked up my new car. After much discussion, it was decided that it is MY car and I could get whatever I damn well please as long as my ass is covered in bruises from shots and I'm hormonal. This conversation was mostly had in my head, but whatever. So, I win. I got my minivan with leather (heated!) seats, sunroof, and hands free bluetooth audio. I have to say that I am in LOVE with it. There is so much more room and there has been so much less arguing in in back seat. There is actually room for backpacks, lunch boxes, and children in the backseat! Mama is happy!

Yeah. That.

Too Much

This post will most likely be just me rambling about things that I kind of  need to sort out in my head.

1. I had an appointment with a new PCP this morning who saw my diagnosis this morning of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and actually knew what it was and how awful it is. Most doctors act like it's just normal anxiety and they have no idea how it alters every day life. She asked me what some of my anxiety triggers are and we went down the list of things that cause me problems and asked how I cope with them when I encounter them. My triggers change sometimes and I'll notice something new and it throws me off. Lately it's been that I can't run or walk outside if nobody is home waiting for me to get home. I actually noticed this a few months ago, but I really tend to stick to the treadmill now just because it's easier than talking myself into going outside. Also, within the last year I realized that I hate showering if I'm the only adult home. I will almost always either do it first thing in the morning or wait until Matt gets home. Obviously, since Matt travels some then it's not always an option. I can talk myself into doing it if I have to because I know the fear of it isn't rational, but most days it's just easier to work around it. I also HATE stairwells and elevators. I told her that as soon as I walked in and saw that those were my choices, I almost turned around and left. The list is long and I don't always know what they are until I am in the situation. The thing is, you would never know this about me if I didn't tell you. I don't even pause at getting in an elevator before getting in, I just do it. I don't stop to think about things too much because it makes it worse. I just do it and live my life and hope nothing bad happens. That doesn't mean I'm not slowly counting to 10 in my head or focusing on my breathing to get through whatever I'm doing. It also means that I avoid what I can so that when I do encounter things that cause me anxiety I can deal with them more easily. It was so nice to have a doctor actually understand and know that it's "normal" for someone with GAD.

2. I am just a few days away from another embryo transfer and I've been really quiet about it this time. I don't know how I feel about it and I don't know what I expect. The doctor gave us a 70% success rate so that's good, but I'm not feeling all that excited or thrilled with the whole thing. I'm just kind of going through the motions. I think this will be my last IVF. I can't say that with complete certainty, but I will say I'm about 90% sure that this is it for me for a while. This brings me to the next thing…

3. We are looking into the possibility of adoption and if that is a good fit for our family. We don't qualify for any agencies in TX because we have 2 biological children, but I may have found another option that could work for us. I don't care about being pregnant and that isn't hugely important to me. We want more children and it doesn't matter if that child comes from my body or not.

4. We may have the car situation figured out. Hopefully we will be driving our new car by the end of the weekend. 

Now, for the love of God, do NOT ask me if I am pregnant or how I am feeling. I will talk about it when I'm ready and know how this is going to play out. I hate having to announce that I have miscarried yet again to the whole world. I haven't decided if I really want to talk about it or not on this blog. I only mentioned it now because some of you have been thinking of us and praying for us and I am forever grateful. I could really use those prayers during our transfer Thursday morning and that these little babies stick! 

Fitbit

I love my Fitbit. Seriously. Like, in a slightly unhealthy way. My goal is to get in around 75,000 steps a week right now. Some weeks I get more and sometimes I get less, but in general I can easily get between 70-80,000 a week without any issues. I realized today that I have done a workout of some sort every day for the past 3 weeks! In celebration, I took today off and went shopping with a friend. I walked about 6,000 steps at the mall. In heels. I used to wear heels all the time and it didn't hurt my feet at all, but I was feeling it when I got home today! I was on my feet all day with the shopping and waiting for her to get her extensions put in. I'm contemplating getting them myself now! They are super hot (and expensive)!
My hair is so curly though that I would have to get really long ones and curl them every day. That may be more work than I'm willing to put in every day.

Anyways, my Fitbit is awesome. I would replace it in about 2 seconds if it died on me. It keeps me accountable and encourages me to keep moving. I've also been killing it on my diet lately. I haven't gotten on the scale lately, but my pants are getting too big and my friend noticed that I looked thinner. Woo-hoo! She also told me that IVF meds make me crazy bloated and look awful. That's why I love her. I don't have to question if she's bullshitting me.

So here's proof of my epic week last week. 100,000 steps bitches!

Recovering From Christmas

Yeah I'm still here. Christmas seriously just puts me behind by several weeks. We stayed home for Christmas Day this year and had a perfect white Christmas. The kids opened presents, mom and dad assembled everything, and then they played outside in the snow. I never in a million years expected it to actually snow on Christmas. It was 80 degrees the week before! We were thankful for it though and the kids thought it made Christmas perfect.

After Christmas we made our trip to KS. My dad has had some serious health issues and wanted everyone home for his birthday so we made it happen. Our trip got cut short because of another snow storm moving in, but we got to see everyone. We decided that we need to start making more trips north to see everyone, but it's really hard right now. We desperately need a new car for one thing. Mine is at that point where I don't really trust it to drive that far unless its an emergency. We actually have been looking at cars for months with no luck. We really need something that seats 8. It's not unheard of that I would be driving 4 kids (both kids have friends where the sibling is friends with my other kid) plus a baby or two at some point. The kids like the Toyota Sienna, I think I prefer the Honda Odyssey, and Matt likes the Enclave. My issue with the Sienna is visibility. I seem to have several blind spots while driving any van, but less with the Odyssey. We haven't come across anything that is black, leather interior,, and under about $30,000. I refuse to pay more than $30,000 on a car just on principle. Otherwise, I would buy an Infiniti QX56. That's what I love.

The other issue is work. When you own your own business you don't get paid find off and missing a day is losing a lot of income for us. The kids are also not out of school much and Texas is really strict about how much they can miss per year. We also have gymnastics and Madison is finally agreeing to be more aggressive with that. It's just hard to coordinate everyone's schedules and the car situation. We are determined to try though.

That's what's going on in our house these days. Nothing terribly exciting. Just busy.