Just Keep Swimming

Sometimes life leads us in a different direction than we had originally planned and that's where we are right now. We have spent the last 16 months trying to have a baby and we have invested a lot of time and money into this process with no return. I'm not bitter about it and I'm not angry because I have no regrets. If we hadn't done those 3 ivf cycles I would have always said 'what if' and I didn't want to always wonder if it would have worked. IVF is the answer for a lot of people, but it's just not the answer for us. I get pregnant but we have no reason for the many miscarriages we have been through. I use the term 'we' loosely there because 'we' weren't up for almost 5 days straight from massive amounts of pain and bleeding. I don't feel any grief over the process and I'm ready to move forward. Of course I mourn the babies that should have been, but I'm not mourning the loss of my ability to have a baby. I have 2 children and I have experienced pregnancy and childbirth. I also know it's not all it's cracked up to be. I had 2 difficult pregnancies, many miscarriages, an NICU baby, pre-eclampsia, hyperemesis, and a c-section. I think that's plenty and I'm not mourning the loss of my ability to do it again. Any child that comes into this house will be my baby regardless of how he or she gets here.

So that leads me to our decision. After we get moved and settled, we are starting our home study for adoption. The biggest hold up in this is money at this point because we need roughly $25,000 in the bank at the time we are matched. We don't have that right now so we are looking into loans, grants, or anything else that will help us get there. It's stressful and I am very realistic about this process. There will be bumps in the road and I'm sure this will not be an easy road. Adoption isn't the easy choice or a back-up plan for us. It's something we have discussed since before we had Madison. We want another child (or children) in our home and there are children who need homes. It just makes the most sense.

Maybe next time I'll discuss how you think you're going to die when you haven't run consistently for months and decided to train for a half marathon. Because that has been all kinds of fun.