Relief

I almost feel guilty writing this, but what I felt while talking to my doctors this morning was relief. I didn't feel good about this cycle at all. I knew our embryos weren't perfect. I knew my lining was just slightly off. I knew the hormones were causing my thyroid to be enlarged. I knew the progesterone has been torturous leaving welts and bruises the size of baseballs. That's why I didn't share the details, because I knew this wasn't it for me. I'm not heartbroken or sad. I am relieved that I won't be putting back questionable embryos that could lead to miscarriage. That would be heartbreaking.

We have talked a lot about what the next step is and right now there isn't one. I've been wanting to go back to seeing a personal trainer so I'm doing that. We have put off going to Disneyland so we are planning that for spring. The kids are excited that grandma is going with us to Sea World over spring break so there's that too. How can we afford those things and still go forward with anything? Well, my doctors are amazing. The have offered to do a cycle for us for almost nothing. Like 75% off what most places charge. And I have left over meds. I still don't know if I want to, but the offer is there. They felt bad for freezing questionable embryos and giving us such great odds. Honestly, I was sitting there reassuring them that I was fine this morning and didn't blame them at all. How could I possibly be upset with them? Dr. G told Dr. M that I am very practical and positive when it comes to this process and he is absolutely right. I understand and trust my doctors and the science behind all this. I'm also extremely thankful that these wonderful men are in my life and want this for our family. I am appreciative beyond words for their kindness and willingness to get us through this. Dr. G is even willing to allow me to switch from injections to inserts for progesterone next cycle because that was such as issue this time. I don't know if we will cycle again, but how can I not with this offer? Just not soon. I need some time. And to drink coffee again regularly. :)