Christmas Gifts

For Christmas I got Matt this and it is awesome! It yells at me if I don't weigh in and it tells me fat mass/muscle mass. It automatically sends the information to the app on my phone and our account that we have set up on the website. It's total accountability and accuracy. Just what I need.  Oh and I think Matt enjoys it too. :) I didn't even think I would like it, but I thought he would love it because it's a cool fitness gadget. It was nice to realize that we both enjoy it and it motivates both of us!

I'm also waiting for new hoops and DVDs to come sometime soon. The lovely Jen is sending me some new mini's and the mini's DVD and I ordered a travel hoop from Hoopnotica as well because 8 days in Vegas was far too long to go without my hoop. I'm so excited. I have some of the most amazing women teaching me and encouraging me along the way and it's so nice to have that support. It's also nice to have a daughter that LOVES her hoop as well so I'm constantly encouraged to get better and better. I have to get better so that eventually I can teach her something instead of the other way around. 

If someone had told me a few years ago that I would have trouble getting in all the workouts I want to do, I would have laughed at them. I can't seem to figure out how to run, hoop, lift, kickbox, swim, and take the various other classes that peak my interest. There are seriously not enough hours in the day. There is a new boxing gym right down the street and it is calling my name. I'm not sure how long I can hold out before I walk through those doors. I also know that once I walk in, I will love it and want to spend every free moment there. What can I say, I really love boxing and kickboxing. I've often thought about training but Matt doesn't want me to get hurt competing. I really do want to train though even if I don't ever compete. Soon. Very soon. I have to see what classes are going to be like this semester and then I can dive head first into something like that. :)

Yep. Agreed.

Vegas

What is it about Vegas and it's millions of delicious food choices that makes me forget everything I know and I lose all self-control? We'll just say that this trip to Vegas was NOT a success on the food/diet/exercise front. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the worst I've eaten for a long time. Now that we are home I'm regretting just about every single thing I put in my mouth during this trip. Alas, there is not a damn thing I can do about it and I'm going to hit Whole Foods tomorrow to restock our kitchen with healthy foods and just keep going. That's the difference between who I used to be and who I am now. I used to go on vacation and come home weighing 5 lbs more and I would just give up. I'd say that I just couldn't do it and the cycle would continue. Now it's just a bump in the road and I learned from it and am moving on. What's the point in stressing about it and hating myself for it? I'm just not weighing in until after I've worked out hard all week. It's going to take many hours in the gym to make up for the calories I consumed. That's what I plan on doing. I don't intend on seeing a fabulous number on the scale when I weigh in. I do however plan to keep moving in the right direction and not let one week determine my success. I can make up for one week of bad choices by correcting them now. Onwards and upwards I suppose.

Getting Stronger

I've noticed with my last few workouts that I've gotten stronger. My run times are getting better and my weight lifting routine is getting easier. I'm adding more strength, building more muscle, running a little faster, and focusing a lot more. It's not just a physical change, it's just as much a mental change. I believe in my body and what it can do. I'm pushing myself harder and challenging myself. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I want. I only have one body and unfortunately I spent a lot of time abusing it and not treating it well. I ate foods that weren't really foods, I drank alcohol,  I didn't step foot in a gym until I was 24 years old. I took infertility medication, pain medication for endometriosis, and high blood pressure medication for 2 years after giving birth to Madison. I have starved myself, worked out so hard that I would throw up, and did anything I could to be as thin as possible. I started with good intentions and a healthy mindset, but by the time I hit 140 lbs (which is a size 4 for me…) I wasn't trying to be healthy anymore. I was trying to be thin. When I would talk to people they would say, "how much more do you want to lose?" and I took that as I was still fat and needed to lose more weight. That's what we call an eating disorder. But I didn't see it. I just wanted to be thin.

As Matt and I were talking last night I realized what I survived the last 18 months or so. Some things that I am in no way ready to share or discuss. But I survived. In the end I still have an amazing man by my side and 2 gorgeous kids who make it easier to heal. Being thin isn't my ultimate goal anymore. Being healthy and strong is. Being thin will come with that. You can't be healthy and strong and overweight. The weight loss with come with good health. But don't get me wrong, I have a closet full of clothes in size 4/6 that I can't wait to get back into. It will happen. Preferably by summer when I have nothing bigger than a size 8 to wear to the beach. :) I've stocked up a whole St. John wardrobe over the last few years that is just about perfect for a 8 day stay.

Reading…For Fun!

Lately I've been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on about diet and nutrition. I want to know the reasons behind why fad diets became fad diets and what is going on with our society that most people are overweight. After lots of reading about diets that are insane and have no scientific reasoning behind them, knowing what works for my body, and learning the basics of nutrients and environmental things that lead to weight gain, I am ready to come back from Vegas and get this whole family eating better. I believe that the basic eating plan that I have been doing is what works well for me and gets me the nutrients I need when I need them. The problem is incorporating this eating plan into recipes and making sure that I'm getting enough of everything I need for the workouts I love.

The basic idea of clean eating is what I plan to continue for the rest of my life. When everything in the house is gone, there will be no more processed food brought into this house. If I won't eat it because I believe it hurts my body, why would I give it to my children? Of course this also means I have to spend a lot more time grocery shopping and cooking. I love the Jillian Michael's theory that if it doesn't grow from the ground or have a mother, you probably shouldn't be eating it. Natural carbs (whole grain oats, fruits, starchy vegetables) are for earlier in the day, and protein and green veggies are for afternoon and evening. I'm not a night eater so this actually works well for me. I'm eating my carbs right before and after my workouts so my body has energy that it needs to power through those 2 hours.

In the last month I have doubled some of the weights I'm lifting. If I was lifting 10 before, I'm doing 20 now. If I was pulling down 50 before, I'm doing 85-100 now. My muscles have been recovering well and I almost never hurt after a workout. I run some, do the elliptical some, and hoop every day. I got a new hoop a while back and I adore it. It's much easier for me to learn new moves on and I'm enjoying slowing things down a bit and really focusing on what parts of my body are hitting the hoop at what time. Workouts are easy for me. I love the gym and love how I feel after a workout.

My problem has never been my workouts. It's purely diet. With PCOS and insulin resistance I have to eat perfectly to lose any amount of weight. If I mess up, I gain 5 pounds. My body hates carbs and has trouble making energy from processed foods. And that really sucks because I love me some Dairy Queen and Chick-fil-A. One Blizzard or Chicken Minis and I'm screwed. At some point it is a matter of priorities though and my priority is a healthy body.

Ramblings

I'm so glad that I kicked that habit of nervous eating years ago because I would seriously put on like 10 pounds this week if I still did that. I'm going crazy. Not literally. Promise. But it's finals week and we have kids Christmas parties, Jack has a Christmas program at school, Madison has her check-up at the doctor tomorrow, normal kids activities, last minute Christmas planning, and that doesn't include laundry, dishes, making sure nobody loses their shit around here… We leave for Vegas in like 10 days. So by the end of next week I have to be completely ready for Christmas. Gifts all have to be bought and wrapped and I need to get my car cleaned out to load luggage into it for an 8 day trip. I'm so not done. I'm far too neurotic to have this many things undone so close to the holiday.

The low carb thing is going well. I'm at that point where I'm not craving it at all and I'm VERY happy with the results on the scale so far. I lost 5 pounds last week. I lost 5 pounds the entire month of November eating the same amount of calories and doing the same amount of exercise! I want to wear my cute St. John stuff for our trip and most of it is size small. That is my one and only goal. I don't care what the number on the scale is as long as I can fit in my beach clothes!

Is That a Taquito…

You know what makes me really cranky? Not eating carbs! I'm not going all crazy Atkins or anything, but after a very interesting discussion with a personal trainer about why the weight is coming off so slowly, I'm trying something that I know works well for my body. I also know it makes me very irritable and cranky for about a week. And I am eating carbs, but I'm eating them at times that make sense for my body.

Back when I did Atkins for a while, I dropped weight very quickly. And any time I have taken out a large portion of carbs from my diet I tend to lose more, but it sucks for a while. I just finished day 2 and I don't feel horrible, but I am most definitely feeling it. It's like a drug addict going through withdraw. We have all gotten used to this diet based on carbs, and not just carbs like fruit and whole grains, but refined sugars and crap. Our bodies aren't meant to process these things and in some of us (I have PCOS and slight insulin resistance because of it) we really can't process them correctly. I don't believe in eliminating anything from your diet completely. I think that sets you up for failure. I do however believe that listening to your body and taking cues on what you should eat and when you should eat it will only be to your benefit.

So here's what I'm doing…
*I usually get up and make coffee ASAP in the morning. But I gave up creamer and instead use skim milk and sugar-free caramel coffee syrup. It's the best I can do at 6:30.
*I have oatmeal as soon as I send Matt and Madi out the door.
*I workout from around 8:40-10:30.
*Drink a protein shake (found one with 40 grams of protein and no carbs!) and a add a scoop of this stuff that is supposed to help in rebuilding muscle. I can say the squats don't hurt and my arms aren't dying from pushing harder weights the last few days so I'm sold on it so far.
*I do homework and have lunch around 1:30. Today I had tomato soup and cottage cheese with Agave and was really full. I could have easily added a slice of bread or a salad but I just didn't want it.
This is where it starts to suck….
*No carbs after lunch. I think the max to consume after lunch is like 10. This allows for a little salad dressing or condiment.
*Early dinner at around 5:30 and I'm done for the day. I'm not a night eater at all. Tonight I had chicken breast with FF shredded cheese, a little honey mustard, and a ton of steamed green beans. It was actually really good and really filling.
*You can eat as much broccoli, green beans, cucumber, celery, green peppers, and such as you want. And hummus is ok! Just not late in the day. I can do a handful of almonds (like 8-10) and some celery at any point if I get hungry.

The point is to get those carbs in before a workout and teach your body to burn carbs. When you eat protein before a workout it teaches your body to burn protein, but if you eat carbs then it will burn those first and will keep burning carbs and fat for the day instead of protein. There are times when your body needs carbs. Eating things like oatmeal, fruits, honey, agave and such in the mornings are natural sources of carbs. I can also eat whole grain bread with eggs or something too. The point is to have those carbs before you workout and lessen them throughout the day.

I won't lie. I told Matt if he got a taquito at QT when we stopped for iced tea that I might possibly murder him and remove it from his stomach. I was mostly joking. Kind of…

Even though I've had my Bodybugg for quite a while, I just got my digital display today. I can't wait to try out my new toy! I've been having to just wait until the end of the day and plug it in to see what I've burned. Not anymore! Instant readings!

Just Ramblings

I was at the gym browsing through Netflix on my phone (best thing ever BTW) and ran across a show called "Heavy." It's "Biggest Loser" without competition basically. They have these people come to a secluded facility, feed them 1200 calories a day, and make them workout for 4-5 hours a day. Now I do sometimes workout 4-5 hours a day so I don't see that as totally unrealistic, but I don't eat 1200 calories when I do. I go all the way up to 1800-2000 calories on those days. I still have more than 1000 calorie deficit on those days. I would be eating my own arm if I ate that little and did that much. But anyways, on some episodes they send the contestants home after 30 days with personal trainers and any help they might need. Other episodes they keep them there for 6 months. These people make amazing transformations. I saw a man lose 180 lbs in 6 months on the episode I watched tonight. I kept thinking to myself that of course I would have amazing results if I did it that way, but I would gain every ounce of it back because they deprive you of all foods that you love. There is no moderation. They eat fish, chicken, and vegetables. That's all I have ever seen them serve. I would want to throw up after 6 months of that. This week I made one of my favorite recipes EVER. It's a mexican dish that my sister used to make and when I left home she gave me the recipe and I've tweaked it some, but it's nowhere in the realm of what someone would consider a healthy recipe. When I make it now I add red and yellow peppers and lots of onions to the beef filling. It bulks it up with less calories. I drain every bit of grease off of the already low-fat beef. I blot it with paper towels and everything. It's about 500 calories per serving and I used to be able to eat 2-3 for dinner and not think twice about it. That was BEFORE making the healthy changes to it so I'm sure it was somewhere around 750 per serving before. The point is, I still make these recipes that I love! I find ways to make them more healthy and I keep in mind that it's still not a low calorie food at 500 calories so I adjust my other meals and workouts accordingly. I also only eat 1 obviously. And I'm completely full with one! I don't know how I ever ate 3! I'm thinking of adding rice next time. My sister used to make hers with spanish rice inside of them but I've never actually done that. Oh and this is one of the very few beef recipes I eat. I still can't stomach meat very well and I don't force it. I eat chicken if it's in something or pork chops with brown rice and Asian sauce. If steak is cooked the way I like it, I'll eat it, but maybe a couple times a year. Hmmm... I don't eat much red meat, I don't drink pop, I don't drink alcohol, I hate fish, blueberries, raspberries, asparagus, and anything with soy in it. Yep. I pretty much survive on salads and coffee. Oh and Eggbeaters. I can't eat real eggs for the life of me, but I can handle Eggbeaters with a little fat free cheese and salsa. The one place that has burgers that I absolutely LOVE and is really the only place on Earth that I get a burger is Skinny Legs. Mmmmmm.... 6 more months and I will have a Skinny Legs burger in hand with the company of a million mosquitos and the people I love. And that's why I have put in around 3 hours of workouts today. That, and I am trying to master hooping in the opposite direction and I pick up the hoop every chance I get to practice. I will get it. I swear.

Whew!

The holidays are always such a blur around here. It's Thanksgiving, Madi's birthday, and Christmas all within 4 weeks! So we went to see my parents the weekend before Thanksgiving (because the kids were out for a whole week...ugh), then we were fortunate enough to have Matt's mom and grandma come visit here for Thanksgiving weekend. Then I had a final that was due on Monday so that consumed all of Sunday, except when Madi and I ventured to the park to work on some hoop moves. Yesterday the apartment was a disaster so I went to Target and bought some gloves and Mr. Clean Erasers and spent 2 hours ungrossing the apartment. I also rented us a storage unit across the hall because we have too much stuff for a 2 bedroom apartment! Oh and I got Christmas lights up! Solar powered lights are AWESOME!

So now we are gearing up for Madison's 7th birthday this weekend. We have Breakfast with Santa and Merry Mainstreet on Saturday. On Sunday we have her birthday party with all of her friends at the ice skating rink! I also have to fit in both of Jack's MMA sessions before Friday because he is due to test up on Friday night. Craziness.

Soo... about the actual fitness stuff... I met an amazing new friend who is showing me the ropes of hooping. She got me all set up with a new hoop and we spent a couple of hours working together on Saturday and I learned a lot! The hoop I had been using just wasn't quite right for me. It's still an amazing hoop and I'm still using it some and the kids are using both of the others to practice, but I needed something bigger (aka slower) and with more grip to learn new moves. So now I have the right equipment and am waiting to get some other new hoopy things coming my direction soon-ish. Ya know, whenever the amazing Jen has free time. Ha!

I also signed up for some classes at a women's studio here in town that I start Friday. They teach pole dancing, Zumba, and some amazing toning classes using Zumba and Pole moves. Yay!!

A Change Is Coming!

I have some BIG things coming up in 2012! Life changing, goal setting, things I've never thought I was possible of changes! I'm scared that I won't be able to do everything that I want. I'm worried I won't be capable of doing the things that I am wanting to do. I'm not capable of just taking baby steps, so I'm diving in head first with a big goal a year from now. By the beginning of 2013, if things work out how I want, my life will be totally different. This is going to require a massive amount of work on my part and just looking at my schedule, I have no idea how there are going to be enough hours in the day! I will make it work though. I'm not quite ready to share EXACTLY what these changes are, but they are amazing. :) This is all sitting right in front of me. I just have to take it and run with it at this point. It's scary, but very empowering at the same time. I want it. Now it's time to prove it.

Out of Town

This will have to do until later this week:

Diets and Depression

Lately I've been reading as much as I can get my hands on about how diet is linked to depression. It's not boding well for my school work at the moment, but that's beside the point. It'll get done on time. :) But anyways, everything I have found shows that there is a major link between what we eat and how we feel and for people who deal with depression, it's magnified hugely. So, I guess I'll throw my 2 cents in here and share what I've found.

Aspartame- Apparently this stuff is worse for us than anyone really wants to think about. There aren't a lot of studies on the link between aspartame and depression, but the ones I have found all show that people with a tendency for depression/anxiety should avoid it at all costs. In fact, it's so bad that a study done by Dr. Walton was actually called off because the side effects in the depressed/aspartame group were so grave.  He believed that aspartame blocked serotonin synthesis so all those feel good feelings that you normally get from serotonin aren't happening. It's rumored that Nutrasweet is actually the reason the reason the trial was shut down. There's not a lot of discussion about it, but I found in a few places that the findings from this (VERY SMALL) trial were significant enough that they didn't want this information to get out. There are also very few studies done on this and I read a lot of things saying that the processed food makers essentially run this country and if they were forced to admit they are feeding us poison, people might get upset. Ya think?!? And this stuff is in everything! Diet sodas, gum, cough syrup, cough drops, liquid medications...the list is huge!

B Vitamins- I am a big taker of B vitamins! The ones that dissolve under your tongue (B12 2500 mcg) are great and the highest dose you should take. I also take B6 once daily in a higher dosage (100 mg). They give you energy and are known for improving the pathways in your brain. B12 is ONLY found in animal products and mostly red meats, so if you're like me and don't really eat red meat the only way you're getting enough B12 is through supplements. B6 can be found in bananas and yogurt so you don't need a really high dose of it if you eat those items daily. The normal dose is actually around 25 mg and 100 mg is a much higher than needed dose, but it's known for treating symptoms of PMS and depression when taken in higher doses. I would probably talk to your doctor before using such a high dose though. My doctor knows and agrees with what I'm taking.

My last thing on B vitamins: the B complex vitamins are usually worthless. You want something with a high absorption rate and as few ingredients as possible. A lot of the B complexes have a lot of unnecessary ingredients and low absorption rates. Look around and find a good quality one. Do some research. Talk to your doctor! And if your doctor doesn't believe in natural medicine of any kind, FIND A NEW DOCTOR!

St. Johns Wort- This improves the serotonin production in your brain in a very similar to Prozac. In fact, you aren't supposed to take the 2 at the same time because your body can produce too much serotonin and that comes with some pretty ugly side effects like confusion and memory loss. So don't take them together. :)

Hypoglycemia Diet- This is essentially what I have been doing and I honestly feel better than I did on medication. On Saturday after eating just a really minor amount of "junk food" I was extremely ill. I was dizzy, light headed, nauseous, sad, nervous, and exhausted. It was horrible and I learned very quickly that my body just can't process that stuff! It's not real food! It is food that was made by man to look yummy, taste yummy, and make you crave more of the same crap! So, no more. I don't like feeling like that thankyouverymuch. I'm going to paste an article I found that talks about hypoglycemic diets and what is involved:

"

1. These hypoglycemia diets all recommend eating smaller but more frequent meals, with between meal snacks.
2. All low blood sugar diets reduce intake of sugars of all kinds (including molasses and honey) and as important, simple, processed carbohydrates e.g most breads, cereals, potatoes, and rice. The reason for reducing these frequently eaten foods: the digestive system converts most processed carbohydrates rapidly into sugar. Thus, for hypoglycemia diets, whole wheat bread is just as bad as white bread.
3. Reducing or eliminating caffeine is an effective aide to any hypoglycemia diet. (But taper off slowly since caffeine withdrawal symptoms can be fierce).
4. Reducing alcohol is also important for low blood sugar diets (but taper off in steps if you drink a lot, since alcohol withdrawal symptoms can be very dangerous).
5. Adding a small amount of protein or a modest amount of fat along with each carbohydrate serving helps most hypoglycemia diets. This slows the rate of food passing through the stomach.

   With slower passage through the stomach, blood sugar increases less rapidly after eating. The less rapid rise in blood sugar, reduces the insulin response. Less insulin means that blood sugar falls more slowly. Blood sugar falling slowly, makes the destructive over-reaction of adrenalin and cortisol less necessary to prevent sugar from falling too low. With adrenalin and cortisol under control, hypoglycemia symptoms resolve.

6. Olive oil is particularly effective for low blood sugar diets, because of its exceptionally high ability to slow the stomach down. A giant benefit, for relatively few calories.

   Add one to three teaspoons of olive oil to each meal to strengthen your low blood sugar diet. Spread the olive oil on your food or take it straight from the teaspoon. Once the low blood sugar diets are working well, you can cut back on your olive oil dose.

   
   Take your carbs almost all from colored fruits, vegetables, berries, and selected, coarse whole grains." 
   
   So, essentially it is a natural foods diet with proteins and complex carbs.
   
   "The Hypoglycemic diet aims at normalizing blood sugar levels, thereby normalizing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, that are thought to be responsible for the symptoms of mood-swings, depression, anxiety, phobias, alcoholism and drug-addiction." Found at- http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/hypoglycemic_diet.html
   
   So there you have it. Do with it what you will. I know that was a lot of information and if you're interested there is a whole world out there. You just have to use Google a little bit and do some research. 

Food and Work

This has become my go-to meal. It is a spinach and spring mix topped with chicken, green peppers, onions, 3 cherry tomatoes, tortilla strips, salsa, taco seasoning, and ranch. It is awesome and around 350 calories!! We have been cutting out almost all processed foods and I feel so much better!!! I may eat this salad every day for the rest of my life.

On another note, somehow I got myself a part time job. It wasn't intentional in any way. I went in for jack's conference and they talked me into subbing part time. I'm not sure how I can be so good at teaching and yet I hate child education classes! Apparently I make a great preschool teacher though. :) I'm pretty excited! I get to hold babies again. Yay!!!

Weigh In

So this morning I got on the scale and was down 5 lbs! It's not the 10 lbs I was hoping for but considering all of that 5 lbs has all come off since I stopped taking medicine 2 weeks ago I'm not going to complain. The scale is headed the right direction at least. The best part is that I lost 8 inches!!! 2 inches off my waist alone! I'm a big believer in strength training. In the end inches are worth more than pounds.

Just Another Manic Monday

Today sucked. Actually my diet was right on for the day but I started fighting a migraine about 20 minutes into my workout and just couldn't make myself push through it. I probably would have ended up on the floor. I was feeling very light-headed and dizzy along with the headache and nausea so I ended up just walking at an incline of 5 until I hit 45 minutes. That's when I finally had to give in and go home. Sometimes you just can't push your body farther than it's willing to go. I can be ok with that.

I did put my Bodybugg back on today and bought a new cookbook so I can try some new recipes. I get bored easily. I constantly need a project. :)

I most definitely still have some depression/anxiety issues going on, but I think as far as management I'm doing pretty good without medication. I take my B vitamins, stay away from sugar, and workout every day and it keeps it pretty well in check. If any of these things get out of check though I feel horrible. I missed 2 workouts this weekend and ate a cannoli. For normal people that would be nothing. For me I felt like the world was ending. It's a learning process. But unlike some people, I'm willing to learn from my mistakes and not keep repeating them. You can only grow by learning and you can't learn if you're too stupid  ignorant to realize that sometimes you are wrong and something needs to change.

Tomorrow morning is weigh and measure day. Stay tuned!

Skinnier Jeans

This morning I managed to fit my ass into a pair of jeans that I haven't fit in for a while. And they actually fit! Like, they aren't so tight that I can't breathe or anything. They are comfortable and I can sit without feeling like they are going to bust at the seams. In fact, I'm sitting right now! On my still very sore butt. Only now I can add that my chest hurts and every time I raise my arms up I feel like my armpits are ripping in half. I have totally earned fitting in these jeans. I'm enduring massive amounts of pain so that I can fit into skinny clothes, and it's well worth it. I have on my Gap sweater from last year, a pair of jeans that is a whole size smaller than I was wearing a month ago, and a really awesome hat. All so that I can go to MMA with the youngest, spend a few hours at a parade, go ice skating, and workout.  It's going to be a good weekend!

Because You Really Wanted to Know...

My butt hurts. Like getting up and down, walking stairs, and sitting makes me feel like I have about a 75% chance of death. I've been doing lots and lots of squats. Squats come in many different varieties, but they are all very effective and I love them all equally. I start with barbell squats, which are my favorite. Then I will do dumbbell press squats, which suck. Then I move on to mini squats where you stay in the squatting position and just slightly move up and down until your legs are burning so bad you think you're going to fall over. My grand finale is alternating medicine ball squats with mini squats. I'm so not kidding when I say this 20 minutes will make your butt and thighs feel like they are being ripped into pieces for DAYS after. It's probably my favorite strength workout that I do. Of course I'm a little bit insane and adore lifting weights and strength training. I have been doing so many pull-ups that my hands are calloused! I have held the barbell on my shoulders so much that they hurt, not from my shoulder workouts, but from the weight of the barbell! I'm doing a really interesting core/back workout that keeps you alternating the 2 groups for about 20 minutes and my abs feel like they are being torn apart, but I will tell you that INCHES are coming off my weight. Plural. Inches. Only a few more days until I weigh in officially, but I've been keeping track of measurements here and there so I'm happy. :)

This morning was kind of crazy. I was stressed about getting a good workout in before having to shower and be at Madi's school at 10:50 for "lunch with loved ones." I ran sprints for about 45 minutes. It was honestly my fastest time I've done in a looooong time while sprinting. I was hitting 9 and 10 MPH for the last few. I was in my happy place. Then I managed to get in my core and lower body strength training. Because I'm awesome. Remind me of that when I can't get out of bed tomorrow please.

If You Want It, Prove It!

I think everyone who is successful at losing weight has to have some sort of mantra. It can be as simple as "Oh my God I have to do this before I go batshit crazy"- AKA Monica- or something more profound about life and happiness and all those thoughts about butterflies and rainbows. I tend to lean more towards the self-motivating and challenging mantra. Everyday after I've had my coffee, packed lunches, driven kids to school, and pulled into the gym parking lot I tell myself that if I want it, I have to prove it. Just wanting something does not make it happen. You have to prove that you want it over and over again. I have to prove to myself every single day that I want to be healthy and fit. Sometimes it sucks to have to keep proving it. It's not always fun and it's not always what I want to be doing, but it's always worth it.

I'm switching up my workouts a bit this week. I'm bored. I can only keep the same routine for a few weeks before it just gets to the point where I am staring off into space waiting for time to pass. I refuse to workout like that when I know I don't have to feel that way. So here's my new routine:

Monday- Ten minutes of walking to warm up, 45 minutes of walk 1 minute, sprint 1 minute, 10 minute cooldown walking.
Lower Body- Dumbell Squats, leg press, step lunges, lying bridge, calf raises, leg raises.

Tuesday- Elliptical or Turbokick for 1 hour
Shoulders/Arms/Chest- lateral raise, shoulder circles, pull-ups, tri-cep dips, bicep curls, Flyes, Incline Press, chest press

May also swim in the evenings.

Wednesday- Ten minutes of walking to warm up, 45 minutes of walk 1 minute, sprint 1 minute, 10 minute cooldown walking.
Core- Chair raise, stability ball hyperextension, plank, back bridge, decline sit-up, deadlifts, crunches, medicine ball twist.

Thursday- Walk at a steep incline for an hour with heart-rate at around 145.
Lower Body- Barbell squats, Leg extension, barbell curl, hamstring curl, deadlifts, calf raises, hip adduction.

Friday- Ten minutes of walking to warm up, 45 minutes of walk 1 minute, sprint 1 minute, 10 minute cooldown walking.
Shoulders/arms/chest- Weighted shoulder shrugs, lateral raises, tri-cep dips, pull-ups, flyes, chest press, rowing machine.

Saturday- AMT Elliptical for an hour.
Core- Chair raise, stability ball hyperextension, plank, back bridge, decline sit-up, deadlifts, crunches, medicine ball twist.

Sunday- Absolutely nothing. Nada. Zilch. Ain't happening.

On top of all this I may swim Tuesday and Thursday evenings and I generally pull out my hoop every day and spend some time hooping just for fun. I'm not wearing my bodybugg at the moment because I may have a slight tendency to get obsessive and I just need to stay focused right now. I like having a plan and sticking to it strictly. It works well for me.

Wanna See My Fridge?

So we came up with a new system that is brilliant and I wish I had done this a very long time ago! I cooked a ton of stuff, pre-measured everything on the food scale, and put them in pre-portioned containers in the fridge. This way, when we are in a hurry or starving and tempted to take a bit more than an actual serving size there is no option! You eat what is in the container and it is filling! It works for us an our busy schedule perfectly.

And this is the note that goes on the fridge:

There is no question of calories consumed for anyone in this house. You have the information in front of you to make an informed choice. It makes it a bit easier to make the right choice when the calories are literally right in front of you.

Oh and since I stopped the Zoloft, I am down 4 lbs magically. I have actually worked out less this week because I haven't been feeling great and the only thing that has changed is the medicine. Yay!

Keep Calm and Carry On

So, retail therapy only works if you can afford it so the next best thing really is exercise therapy. It's a little bit insane, but there's something about pushing myself to the point of wanting to throw up that gives me a sense of inner calm. I don't know if it's that I'm just too exhausted to be stressed or if it's endorphins or what, but it works. Today is the first day in over a year that I haven't been on some sort of medicine. Now granted, the first one didn't work so technically I've only been working medication since May. I'm feeling ok right now, but I haven't picked up the kids from school and that's the real test. But since I am venturing into this non-medicated territory I got on the treadmill to run because there's something about running that helps my mental health. I didn't push as hard as I probably could have and my time left a lot to be desired, but I felt good when I stepped off. Then I almost killed myself lifting weights. Because I am an idiot and will constantly try things that *maybe* I'm not really equipped to do. I refuse to think I can't do something. If I'm not currently capable of doing something, that just means I haven't practiced enough. :)

On the bright side, it led me to a very interesting conversation with a group of people about lifting weights. Some people are very into cardio and don't see the point in lifting weights. Other people (mostly men) will only lift weights and not do any cardio. We were all standing at the personal trainer desk and someone made the comment that both are equally important and someone else disagreed and somehow I ended up talking to a group of strangers for 20 minutes of the benefits of both. During this conversation I found a paper cut that I had apparently gotten between my fingers while turning textbook pages well into the evening yesterday. By using hand sanitizer. Yeah. And I couldn't just randomly yell out profanities so I suffered in silence for a few minutes so as not to embarrass myself in front of people I see every day. That is all.

A Doctor Who is NOT on Crack

So I had my appointment with the second opinion doctor today and I love, love, love him! First of all, he's an OB/GYN so he deals with crazy all day long. He was understanding and actually listened to me and asked questions to figure out what in the world is going on with my body. I told him what the other doctor had said and he flat out told me that doctor is a quack and I should never step back in his office. We talked a lot about diet, fitness, medications, anxiety, and I really felt like he was genuinely interested in helping me find a solution instead of just trying to be right. So here's what I learned:

1. YES Zoloft is horrible for weight and it's not uncommon for patients to gain weight while taking it. It's also very difficult to lose weight on it.
2. My PCOS may still be an issue. He said while my levels were "ok" and "normal" according to the other doctor, they are just slightly off and someone with PCOS doesn't fit into "normal" levels.
3. My anxiety is still an issue but he believes it's totally situational. There is something that makes me have higher anxiety than a normal person, but it's not unmanageable.
4. I left with a plan instead of wanting to punch him in the face. :)

So we have a game plan. I talked to him about my diet plans, exercise, and the possibility of going on Metformin again to get my body back in order. This is pending some lab results so we will see. He told me to stop taking the Zoloft. He said at this point the benefits are not outweighing the side effects so it's no longer worth the trade off. This is where we get into the point that my anxiety is situational. He asked how I generally feel on a normal day and we discussed school and future plans, but then he asked about my family, friends, and outside influences and he said he instantly noticed a difference in me. He thinks I spend too much time trying to please everyone and make everyone happy. He said I need to step back and reevaluate my relationships with people and how they help or hurt me. We talked a lot about how I have a lot of hurt from my past and he picked up on something almost nobody does about me... that a lot of my anxiety comes from the fact that I want to protect my children from feeling the way I did as a child. So, instead of meds, he is sending me to see a counselor to see if maybe I can work on some strategies for dealing with stress and anxiety that don't involve medicine.

We came up with a diet and exercise plan that we both agreed will be good for me. The hardest part? I have to cut back on cheese. I love cheese. Apparently I love it too much though and my LDL was a little high. That's going to be hard for me, but nothing is impossible. :)

Change of Plans!

So I made an appointment with a new doctor for Monday. After thinking about it, I don't want to see a doctor that doesn't believe me and feels like his way is the only way. I had the most amazing and supportive doctor in KS and I know there are doctors are out there who genuinely care about their patients and believe them. I won't take less. When I called yesterday to this new doctor, the receptionist asked why I wanted to come in (he's primarily an OB/GYN but does some internal medicine as well) and I told her what happened at my appointment and she told me she thought that was completely absurd and not ok. She told me to come in Monday and she assured me I would leave with some sort of explanation and plan of action.

So you know what I did this morning? I hosted Jack's Halloween party at school and then hauled my butt to the gym. Like I do every single day. I won't let some idiot doctor make me feel bad and question my habits.

**Also adding that after lots of research today I discovered that a high percentage of women gain anywhere from 15-70 lbs while taking Zoloft!! That doctor is on crack. It isn't just me!

Dr. Appointment

So this morning I went to the doctor for a yearly check-up and kind of get established with a doctor here. I went to the physician that I take the kids to and I love how he is with them. I came out beyond irritated because of 3 things I heard during my appointment.

1. People who work out as much as you say you do weigh like 120 lbs. You can't possibly be working out that much.
2. It's calories in vs. calories out. If you aren't losing weight then it's because you aren't burning enough or you're eating too much.
3. Well, if it's the medicine you think is making you gain weight, which I strongly disagree with, then we should just take you off of all medication.

First of all, I'm working out that much to lose some weight! And yeah I might know one or two things about weight loss and I do think it's the medicine that is causing weight gain and my inability to lose weight easily. Secondly, anyone who has lost weight knows that calories in versus calories out is only part of it. Things like medication and random plateaus can deter weight loss. Period. Third, there's no way he's taking me off of medication. I will drive back to KS and see my other doctor before I allow that to happen. So after a debate about how I know my body and I know what I'm talking about so either he could do it or I'll find another doctor, he agreed to change my medication and see if that helps. I refuse to put up with crap from doctors. It's my body. I know my body up, down, and sideways. I'm not going to let any doctor tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about.

And just to be clear, I had a whole notebook with pictures, BB burn graphs, food logs, my weight every single month since June 2008, my exercise routines, and medications I was taking when. I was prepared and I had all of this in front of him, showing him that I know what I'm talking about and that my habits are good habits! I'm not sitting around eating crap and not counting things. I live a healthy lifestyle and I'm doing the right things.

So, I got my new medicine, he is checking hormone levels and thyroid levels, and when everything comes out fine and I lose weight after not taking Zoloft anymore, I will throw it in his face with no shame.

My Inner Chuck

Lately I have found myself digging real deep to what I like to call, "my inner Chuck." See, Chuck was my personal trainer previously and he did something nobody had ever done for me. He pushed me until I thought I was going to die and then asked me to do one more. There was one weekend where he kept me for 2 hours on Saturday, but he didn't feel like we got enough done so he told me to come back on Sunday for free. He always made sure I was his last appointment so he could torture me as long as he wanted. I took 2 days off from the gym after that weekend because I could barely get out of bed. It was the best feeling ever. He challenged me and really believed in my abilities. I could just do what he told me and not think about it because I knew he would push me past my comfort zone, but he wouldn't kill me. I would focus on reps and hearing him count instead of thinking. I would breath and do just one more when my muscles were fatigued and I thought I would drop the weights because my muscles would give out. More than once, that happened. When I couldn't get up off the floor without help or when I would literally drop weight because my body was giving out, he would let me leave. He would always rub my shoulders a little bit, tell me how great I did, and then tell me, "No matter how bad it hurts now, it'll hurt worse in 2 days." Yeah. I loved Chuck. So now when I'm lifting weights and I feel my arm start to twitch a little bit, I summon my inner Chuck and tell myself just one more. I let weights down slowly on that last rep and hold it for a few seconds, because that's what he taught me. I push myself past my comfort zone every day. He taught me how to work out and what it means to quit over thinking things and trust that my body can do more than I give it credit for. Thanks Chuck!

Ugh...

Today I did NOT want to go the the gym. It would have been so much easier to just come home and lay around all day doing homework, but I didn't. I told myself that I would go for at least 30 minutes. As some of you avid exercisers know, once you actually get started the endorphins take over and you want to keep going. The hardest part is often walking through the door and turning on the machine. Once I get started then I'm ready to keep going and suddenly become motivated. I got my 2 hours in this morning so I'm happy. :)

Bodybugg

So after trying to get my Bodybugg to upload with no success for a few days (site maintenance) I got my calorie burns uploaded finally. My total burn for the week was just shy of 20,000 and my calorie intake was about 11,200. This is a difference of approximately 8,800 calories, or almost 3 pounds. Since I'm not getting on the scale for another few weeks, I'm keeping track of this consistently because if I keep up this pace I can most definitely make my goal of 10 pounds lost this month. We'll see what the scale actually shows when it comes time to actually see what my progress is, but this is my way of obsessing over something besides the scale. It shows I'm putting in the work and should see results. I burn almost 3000 calories a day right now, but it's because I'm putting in anywhere from 2-4 hours a day in the gym. It's unrealistic for anyone working a full time job to keep up workouts like that. I'm fortunate enough that my school schedule allows for that much flexibility right now. Once I'm doing clinicals for nursing I know I won't have the ability to put in that much time at the gym. I'm soaking it up while I still can. :)

Complaining....

I'm just going to whine, so if you'd rather not read it I suggest you skip this post. :)

I hurt. Like everything on my body hurts. My hands have callouses even though I always wear weight lifting gloves, my feet have blisters and are so sore (bought new shoes this morning though), my legs are sore, my arms hurt so bad that I could barely get juice off the shelf at the store, my back hurts, my chest hurts, my abs hurt, and my butt hurts! I've been doing squats, running, rowing, using the elliptical, walking, lifting weights, doing crunches, and essentially beating the crap out of myself this last week! I was running before and occasionally doing some weights, but now I'm back into that hardcore training mode that makes me feel about 80 years old until my body adjusts to it. It sucks. I'm taking lots of hot baths and Ibuprofen. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I'm writing papers for school that are frying my brain and the intense workouts take a lot of mental energy! I'm a firm believer in the fact that your body can handle a lot more than your mind so it takes a lot of concentration sometimes to break through that mental barrier that tells you to stop. I know it will get better. I know my muscles will adjust to the workouts and as my weight goes down it will be less stress on my body. I know that once I push myself through that mental barrier, it gets easier to challenge myself. I know that midterms only last a couple weeks and then it's back to normal until finals in December. I know that the bitch instructor for my child health class has no life and I will never take another class with her name on it again. Yesterday she decided she wanted a table of contents, title page, dedication, safety rules, and cooking terms to go with our food book. We finished our books a week ago! Oh and she was hoping everyone would get time to work on it this weekend and have it in by Monday. Nice.

I know I wouldn't want to live with me right now. I know I'm cranky and probably a little disagreeable. My poor children. Oh, and Matt. It's just temporary. I just want my XS t-shirts to fit again! That's all!

I Still Feel Pain So I'm Not Dead

Everything on my body hurts! My hands hurt from the rowing machine (even with gloves...), my legs hurt from the stair machine, my abs hurt from the amount of abs work I've done this week, and my chest and back hurts probably just because everything else does and they don't want to feel left out. I forgot how sore these workouts can make me! I've been running here and there for a while, but the hard gym workouts with weights and stair machines work entirely different muscles than just running on a treadmill. I have a good schedule and workout down now though and I'm extremely happy with it. I took my weight and measurements on the 15th of this month so we will see how much progress I make by the 15th of next month. My goal is 10 lbs. That's only realistic because I know I can lose a lot at first and then it slows way down. I also plateau really easily so I'm going to switch things up a lot so my weight loss doesn't stall. I have a plan and goals so that's a step in the right direction!

Still Going...

Whew. I'm exhausted. Today was a two-workout day! Every Tuesday and Thursday will be my days where I double up on workouts. I love going in the morning because it gives me energy and routine, but I also love going with Matt a few times a week in the evenings so we have that time together. The only non-workout day for me is Sunday right now. Yep. That's right. That totally neurotic girl who lives at the gym is back. My tip of the day- don't try to do tricep dips with a new tattoo on your shoulder. Ouch.

Things I forgot how much I love at the gym:
1. The rowing machine. Love. It.
2. Ability to move machines as often as I want.
3. The knowledge that everyone in that room is also trying to get through their workout and I'm not alone.
4. Having somewhere to go where it's all about me. I don't have to worry about anyone else.
5. The options! Classes? Machines? Outside track? Pool? It's nice to have options.

I've also been very controlled about my eating. Not just calories and quantity, but the quality of foods I'm putting in my body! Fruits, vegetable, and lean meats come first! A while back I quit drinking anything carbonated. It really wasn't even on purpose! We got our Keurig machine and started drinking coffee and the next thing I knew I just wasn't drinking pop at all anymore. Now it just tastes gross. It's funny how when you stop drinking it and then try to drink it again it tastes horrible and you wonder why you ever drank it to begin with. I think I'm less hungry when I don't drink it as well. It seems to mess with something in my body that makes me feel more hungry when I drink it. I have that problem with fake sugars in general.

So there you have it. I'm still alive and functioning even after 2 workouts today. Friday I will update with my Bodybugg calories burned for the week, but I'm not weighing in until November 15th. I will probably be going crazy by then but I need the routine and healthy habits down again first and the scale will work in my favor. Obsessing over the scale doesn't help me any right now so why have the added stress?

The Gym

This morning after dropping the kids off at school I headed to the gym. I didn't realize how much I missed the gym! I love going to the gym for many reasons, but mostly it's because I have zero attention span and get bored rather easily. If I'm at the gym and get bored I can just move to a different machine. This morning I started on the elliptical and lasted about 30 minutes before I just got bored. Then I moved on to the stair machine (like the ones on Biggest Loser) for about 20 minutes and finished on the rowing machine for about 20 minutes. I did some abs work and a few weights at the end. It ended up being around an hour and a half. Then I had to come home to do homework. Blah.

I love the feeling of exhaustion that comes with a good workout. I feel energized, but at the same time I am exhausted. Love it.

The Weekend

Weekends are always hard when there's family, food, homework, and especially when you are unpacking boxes and assembling beds! We got the last of our stuff from the house in Andover this weekend and Sonya and Mark spent the weekend with us and of course we ate out a lot, didn't work out enough, had dessert, and all those things you're not supposed to do when you're trying to lose weight. But guess what? It's one weekend. If there's anything I've learned in this whole thing it's that one weekend isn't everything. If you eat well and workout 90% of the time, the other 10% really won't affect you all that much.

We joined the local gym today so we have better access to equipment and classes. This week I will probably live there. I've really missed having a gym membership. I've been working out here at the apartment building and it's got a descent gym, but it's not the big gym with lots of equipment that I'm used to. And most of all, it doesn't have boxing classes or the social aspects of going to they gym. I thrive on that stuff. I like knowing that certain people will be at the gym when I am there and knowing that the staff notices if you miss a few days. I can't replace those relationships that I had at the Andover YMCA, but I can build new ones here. It's not like I'm real shy. :)

Tomorrow is a new day! I'll make the best of it!

Just Because

I hadn't posted this picture anywhere, mostly because it doesn't quite do it justice. It looks much bigger than it actually is and is more proportionate to my tattoo on my other shoulder now. I have on a tank top today (because it's still 85 here in Texas...happy dance!) and it looks really good. I think I'm done now. Usually when I leave the tattoo place I feel that "just one more..." feeling, but this time I left thinking I'm done. This was by far my most painful tattoo to have done. I'm not sure why (I'm thinking maybe because I was on my period?) but those 3 hours were pure torture. I'm not a newbie at this. I know how much my others have hurt and I fully expected some amount of pain and discomfort. This was beyond that. I was almost in tears after an hour. The guy who did it was amazing though and just kept talking to me and telling me what he was doing the whole time so I knew how much more I had to endure. It sucked. The end. It looks good though and I don't regret it. I'm just done now. :)

Today is a New Day

Every day is a new beginning. Every day when I wake up I have to make choices based on what I want in life. I snuggle up to my husband and tell him I love him. Or sometimes he thinks he can snuggle up with me BEFORE MY ALARM GOES OFF and I lovingly tell him I'm going back to sleep. I eventually choose to get up, shower, pack backpacks and lunches, check homework, unload the dishwasher, make breakfast, and drive kids to school. This usually involves firing up my Keurig first thing when I walk into the kitchen and consuming 24 ounces of coffee in the first 2 hours I'm awake. Those all seem like things that HAVE to get done, but in reality it's a choice I make every day. I choose to do these things so that our household functions in an efficient way (sort of... there's still that matter of my daughter screaming about having to be a child who is fortunate enough to have nice clothes and shoes, a full lunch box, and an excellent school to attend) in the mornings. It's not always what I want to do and there are many mornings I would rather just lay around in bed until noon watching talk shows in my pajamas. Alas, that isn't my reality. I make the right choice and do what needs to be done.

The same applies to losing weight. Every day I make the choice of whether or not to workout. I choose what foods I put in my body. I choose what my priorities will be for the day. This requires a lot of accountability and good choices in order to see that number on the scale go down. I am the only one in control of what I do with my body. I am accountable for everything I put in my mouth and every step I do or don't take. I will own up to this and know I've made some poor choices over the last 6 months or so. But here I am. I'm taking responsibility and trying to make good choices.

The other thing I've put a lot of thought into lately is that losing weight sometimes costs money. Yes, I know I can run outside, lift weights at home, and track my calories on a notepad. This doesn't work well for me though. I need accountability and classes. I need to have a workout I love. I like to run when I'm in the mood for it, but what I really love is kickboxing. I know where my son gets it from because there's nothing I like better than hitting or kicking a punching bag. These classes aren't cheap. Gym memberships are not cheap either. There's also a weight loss group that I want to join that starts November 7th to gain friendships and have the added support. Again, these things all cost money. When I first added it up I was thinking there was no way I could afford to do these things that I want to do. Then I realized that I have spent way more than that in furnishing this apartment and buying things to make it our home. These are not things I need to survive. Having a place that feels like home certainly makes me more productive in my school work and it makes our family function in a more productive way somehow, but they aren't necessary. So am I really going to complain about spending money on a gym membership and fitness classes that will help me get where I want to be? Nope. I made sure I had enough student loan money set aside so that I could take on the burden of this expense myself so that I have no excuse. My intention is to sign up for the gym membership in the next few days (have to find proof of residence first...) and enroll for those classes starting in November. Today is a new day in which God has given me the ability to make good choices. I will take this opportunity and live my life the best way in which I know how and take the steps needed to reach my goals.

Sooo... Here We Go Again

Well, here's my story. After losing over 130 pounds over the course of 2 years with just diet and exercise, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. I was pretty much at my goal. I could walk into a store and buy a size small or size 6 and not think twice about it, and I still wasn't happy.

I hated my body. I was so depressed and miserable even though I'm not sure anyone really saw that in me. I could run 10 miles and not think twice about it. I had 2 gorgeous kids and a loving husband at home and I should have been on top of the world. I had everything I thought I wanted and yet I can't remember another time when I felt so bad. I was to the point where I was constantly anxious and every time I got in a car I had the urge to drive it off the road. I eventually hit my breaking point where Matt forced me to get help. I needed it and I wasn't in my right mind enough to even realize how bad I had gotten. At the end of May, I changed my life. I went into a doctor's office and admitted I needed help. After an hour of discussing medications, life situations, and the possibility of being hospitalized if the initial treatment didn't work...we had a plan. I started out on 3 medications. Two for depression and one for anxiety. It was 3 medications, but with everything I was taking it added up to 8 pills a day. After about a week I felt a noticeable difference. When my doctor called to check on me I was able to say that I felt much better. After 2 weeks I started to feel like me again. After 4 weeks I made some major life decisions that were definitely for the better. That was 5 months ago...

And that leads me to now. I need to lose 35 pounds again, but I'm happy. I no longer walk around being afraid of unreasonable things. I can logically work through a situation without being in tears. I don't drink. Ever. Not even a little bit. I still take an anti-depressent, but it's only one pill once a day. Oh, and we moved 5.5 hours away from everything familiar to us, and we LOVE it! But those 35 pounds? They need to be gone! I know what it takes to lose weight obviously. I know what I need to do and how to be successful at it. I know how my body works and how much I have to want it in order to be successful. But, this time I am in a much better place mentally. That's where this blog comes in. I will lose these pounds with a goal date of June 8, 2012.  Here we go...again.