Getting Stronger

I've noticed with my last few workouts that I've gotten stronger. My run times are getting better and my weight lifting routine is getting easier. I'm adding more strength, building more muscle, running a little faster, and focusing a lot more. It's not just a physical change, it's just as much a mental change. I believe in my body and what it can do. I'm pushing myself harder and challenging myself. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I want. I only have one body and unfortunately I spent a lot of time abusing it and not treating it well. I ate foods that weren't really foods, I drank alcohol,  I didn't step foot in a gym until I was 24 years old. I took infertility medication, pain medication for endometriosis, and high blood pressure medication for 2 years after giving birth to Madison. I have starved myself, worked out so hard that I would throw up, and did anything I could to be as thin as possible. I started with good intentions and a healthy mindset, but by the time I hit 140 lbs (which is a size 4 for me…) I wasn't trying to be healthy anymore. I was trying to be thin. When I would talk to people they would say, "how much more do you want to lose?" and I took that as I was still fat and needed to lose more weight. That's what we call an eating disorder. But I didn't see it. I just wanted to be thin.

As Matt and I were talking last night I realized what I survived the last 18 months or so. Some things that I am in no way ready to share or discuss. But I survived. In the end I still have an amazing man by my side and 2 gorgeous kids who make it easier to heal. Being thin isn't my ultimate goal anymore. Being healthy and strong is. Being thin will come with that. You can't be healthy and strong and overweight. The weight loss with come with good health. But don't get me wrong, I have a closet full of clothes in size 4/6 that I can't wait to get back into. It will happen. Preferably by summer when I have nothing bigger than a size 8 to wear to the beach. :) I've stocked up a whole St. John wardrobe over the last few years that is just about perfect for a 8 day stay.