Beta #3

My beta this morning was 72! The nurse said they were hoping for around 50 so 72 is fantastic. Yay!! I go back Monday and will have an ultrasound after probably a week later.

Beta #2

My beta more than doubled so we are still good. I'm glad he didn't tell me the number Friday because I would have freaked out. My beta was 11 on Friday and 29 today. He said it's probably because my embryos weren't quite blasts when we transferred and may have implanted later. Because I am completely anal about such things I looked up my betas from Madison and they were comparable with this pregnancy. I took a test the day before my period was due and it was negative and I just assumed I wasn't pregnant. A week later I took another test and it was positive so I went in for a beta with Dr. T. My initial beta was 127 and a week after my period was due! If I had done a beta as early as I did with this pregnancy, it would have been extremely low. I'm trying not to worry, but that's easier said than done.

I certainly didn't feel this bad with any pregnancy this early! That is helping me stay sane about this process more than anything. I'm so nauseous and I go back and forth between starving and feeling like I'm going to throw up. I'm extremely tired and dealing with some insomnia issues too. I'm kind of astounded that I feel this bad with such low levels of HCG! I typically start feeling pretty bad when my levels hit about 500+.

We will just keep on keeping on and hope things continue to go well. Another beta on Wednesday, then an ultrasound in about 10 days. I'm seriously just praying for a good outcome right now.

Beta #1

Beta is positive, but low. He said it's within normal and not to worry too much about it. It just matters that it doubles. I go back Monday for a repeat and we will go from there. I'm not feeling very positive about it, but hoping it works out! Dr. G wouldn't give me the number though. He said I worry too much and I didn't need to spend the whole weekend on Google. He knows me too well. So for now I am pregnant and that is step one. He will give me all the numbers on Monday and we will see what happens. I've been on both sides of this and I know pregnancy and miscarriage all too well. I know it can go either way and I'm just along for the ride at this point.

I think I may be...

A little bit pregnant.

8dp5dt

I'm feeling much better today because I'm feeling much worse. That doesn't make much sense, does it? Yesterday a friend and I went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch and it did not settle so well on my stomach. I felt so awful for hours! Then we went to Old Navy and I was just exhausted from walking around the store. I seriously needed a nap after that! I've had this awful headache for a few days that just will.not.go.away and I can't take anything for it unless I'm just desperate. Dr. G apparently hates drugs as much as he hates twins. But anyways, this morning I woke up at 4 (to pee for the 3rd time!) and couldn't go back to sleep because I felt so sick. I felt a lot better after I got up and ate something (the standard grilled cheese and chocolate milk that are staples in my diet this last week), but now I'm even more tired because I didn't sleep well. I still hate progesterone because my backside hurts so bad from these shots. They are seriously killing me. I'm thinking there may be a good reason they are worth it though! I'm actually excited about tomorrow and not dreading it quite so much. Bring on those beta numbers!

7dp5dt

I'm feeling better today. Damn hormones. I seriously hate this progesterone because it makes me crazy. I am still cramping, but I'm also having a lot of nausea. Last night we got Rosa's and it just tasted weird. I normally love it, but it just seemed off somehow. I don't know. I'm also having headaches and weird dreams. Friday cannot get here fast enough right now!

6dp5dt

I'm just not feeling it. I'm fully prepared to not get good news on Friday and I wouldn't be surprised if my period actually showed up before my beta. I'm frustrated and I feel like we have just wasted a lot of money on something that didn't work. I put my faith in the science of this process and didn't give much thought to it just not working. I probably should have gone into this with a different thought process and trusted it a little less. I don't know if we will try again. It's a lot of money and it took several weeks out of my life. If we do choose to do it again it won't be soon and I will go into it hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I need to lose the weight I gained this cycle before I can even consider anything else. That starts Monday. Until then I reserve the right to eat ice cream and pray a miracle happens.

5dp5dt

Today is apparently the day in which I realize that this may not work. I have no reason for thinking this, and I'm probably just freaking out. It's too early to test and I don't want to risk seeing a negative test and enduring that heartache unnecessarily. It's horrible because I have all these hormones in my body that are making me feel pregnant one minute and like I have horrible pms the next. I'm having headaches, I'm exhausted, my sleeping is all messed up, I'm starving and nauseous at the same time, and I have nothing that fits in my entire closet except yoga pants. I really, really suck at waiting. Friday cannot get here fast enough. I just keep thinking I have no idea how I will ever do this again...

2dp5dt

Today I've had some cramping and horrible nausea. Nothing sounds good even when I'm starving. It could just be the progesterone shots, but I seriously feel awful. There better be a couple babies in there growing and causing all this. Otherwise it just sucks.

And speaking of progesterone shots, they are evil. My hip area where I get them hurts so bad it's waking me up several times a night. I'm icing before, alternating spots, using heat after, and none of it helps. If pregnant, these keep going until 10 weeks most likely!! My OB says he'll stop them sooner if Dr. G releases me sooner. The placenta kicks in at 8 weeks so there's really no need for them after that. If its twins he may not risk it though.

1DP5DT

That means 1 day past 5 day transfer. I just got my call from the embryologist and he said we had 2 embryos that weren't looking as good yesterday, but kind of developed a lot overnight and were good to freeze!!! He asked how I was feeling today and I told him I've been very tired, crampy, and had just a bit of spotting this morning and he said those are all fabulous things and could mean the embryos are implanting! He told me some long scientific explanation that often when embryos start to implant your body has an almost allergic reaction to them and that can make you very tired. The body sees them as parasites digging in until they start producing HCG in your system. I kind of stopped listening somewhere around, "well, honestly now I'm kind of concerned that we put both back. Dr. G. hates twins." First of all, I had to laugh because those were the exact last words we heard from Dr. G yesterday. He said, "I hope this works. I believe it will, but, no twins. I hate twins." It's very odd for a doctor in this specialty to hate multiple pregnancies so much. It just cracks me up to hear him say it in his thick German accent. And then you have the embryologist that is so soft spoken and really just wants a good outcome for everyone. You can tell he truly loves his job and this is his calling in life.

So that's all I've got for today. It's going to be a looonnng wait to see if this worked!

The First Photo

2 Embryos

Today we put back 2 embryos. We all were in agreement that we would most likely only put back 1, but the embryologist (one of the top 10 internationally) said we only had 2 that were worth transferring so we should put back both. Neither is perfect, but both are good quality and have separate placental cells. Now I'm on bedrest for the next couple of days.

If this doesn't work we will be done for a while. We most likely won't be able to freeze the last 2 (not great quality) and I'm not willing to do this all again anytime soon. It's just too hard to have your life constantly on hold. So any prayers you could send our way would be greatly appreciated!

If It Doesn't Work

-We will go to Disney next year
-Matt and I will take a trip alone next year
-I will start training for a half marathon
-I will go get my hair cut and colored
-I will cry, but be thankful for the 2 kids I already have.
-I probably wouldn't do IVF again. I would try a frozen cycle if we had some frozen though.
-I will do some snorkeling on our cruise next month.

I am hopeful and optimistic this will work, but I also need to have a back-up plan. I am so ready to be off this roller coaster right now. The next 10 days just cannot go fast enough.

Report 3

Today is day 3 and I impatiently waited all day by the phone to hear if I would be coming in today for a 3 day transfer or waiting until Wednesday. I finally was able to breathe around 11 AM because they schedule transfers at noon and he promised to give me a couple hours warning. The embryologist just called to say we still have 6 embryos. 2 of them are growing a bit more slowly with only 3 and 4 cells, but we also have an 8 cell, 7 cell, and 2 6 cells. He said the top 4 all look perfect and he's very pleased with them. He said it will be a last minute call on Wednesday whether we transfer 1 or 2, just depending on what we have then. Yay!!

I'll update after transfer!

Confession Time

1. I ate 8 mini Reese's pumpkins. Because I thought a hot fudge sundae was too many calories. Sigh.
2. I took a nap today while my kids destroyed the house.
3. I spent way too much on Halloween decor this year. The kids are at an awesome age for it. I love our skull head that bleeds. It's very cool.
5. I miss running. A lot.
6. I haven't worked out for 5 days and can't until I get a positive test or negative blood test in 12 days.
7. Matt giving me shots is way worse than doing them myself. He stresses out about it. Just shove the damn thing in already!
8. My boobs are huge and hurt so bad. It's awful. Damn progesterone.
9. I am a nervous wreck right now just waiting for all of this.
10. I would do this a million times if I had to because I know what the end result is and I know it's worth all of it.

Report 2

Today we have 6 embryos growing normally. Everything is still looking good. Now it's just waiting until Monday to hear when we will transfer. I hate waiting.

Report 1

8 are fertilized and growing. The embryologist was thrilled with this number so I am too!

Eggs Are Out of the Basket

I am home and all is good. I'm kind of sore, a little tired, and pretty bloated. I'm pretty sure he said I have 10 usable eggs, but I have no idea how many I had total. We will get a fertilization report tomorrow.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I was really nervous about the whole ordeal, and I'm very relieved its over. They knocked me out as soon as I got on the table and I woke up just crampy and tired. I slept for a while after and then we went to Starbucks and came home. Now I'm on the couch for the rest of the day.

'Twas the Night Before Egg Retrieval...

...and Mama is a nervous wreck. Actually, I've been trying not to think about it. I wouldn't say it's going all that well at the moment. The surgery center called to go over all my instructions, I talked to my nurse about some med questions, and everything is ready to go so we can walk out the door at 6:30 in the morning. The kids will have to go with us so Matt can drop me off, take them to school, and then come back to wait for me. We should be all done and home by 10 AM and then I plan on sitting my butt on the couch for the rest of the day.

I figured out why my anxiety level is crazy high at the moment. I think it's because right now I have something to hope for and I'm optimistic that it will work. I'm terrified of having that ripped out from under me. I know we can do a frozen cycle if this one doesn't work most likely and that eventually with enough time and money we will be able to have a baby. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that it might not work. My doctor seems optimistic and there's no reason to believe it won't work, but there's not anything else we can do to increase our odds at this point. I'm just afraid of not having that hope to hold on to. I know from everything we did to get Madison that once you have a failed cycle you lose some of that ignorance where you think things will work out fine. Ignorance truly is bliss sometimes.

The Call

I just got off the phone with my lovely nurse and my eggs are all ripened up and ready to get busted out of there. She said something more medical like,"your E2 level looks great and we are going ahead with a Friday retrieval." We spent 20 minutes discussing the pros and cons of doing it Friday vs Saturday at my appointment this morning so I have been waiting all day for Dr. G to tell me what I'm doing. I am all set for 8 on Friday morning (which is tricky since kids have to be at school by 7:30) and I only have one last night of shots in the stomach before we switch to muscular ones in a few days. Yay! On the other hand, I am scared shitless. This just got very real and in a few days we will have embryos that will hopefully grow into human children that wreck havoc on my sanity. I'm ready for this next step, but I feel like I'm cliff diving. This part is the unknown to me and that's a scary thing. It's certainly taking a toll on my anxiety level. It's that moment before you jump where you feel like you can't breathe, but you know the experience is worth it.

So that's it. I'll let you know if I survive the fall and then we will watch some embryos grow!

Just Another Manic Monday

This morning my follicles were ranging from 7-15 so he is pushing my retrieval back to Saturday morning. He said we have to keep things slow and steady so that we don't put too much pressure on my ovaries. I'm growing more eggs than the Duggers have kids so it's best to be cautious and not explode the ovaries. Blood pressure was fine this morning, but my PCP gave me a script and told me to do whatever Dr. G says. You should have seen the nurse's face when she asked for my list of meds. It was awesome. So here I sit feeling like a chicken laying eggs for a few more days.

I Want Off This Ride Now

I've taken my blood pressure several times since I left his office and it's been ranging from 125/74 to 140/80. That is actually really good considering everything I'm on. I took it easy today, but I'm less worried about it now. I think it was just a bad reading and a fluke. We will keep an eye on it and still start meds Monday if he thinks that is the best option.

Today is the first day I woke up and was just done and over it. I feel uncomfortable, none of my pants fit right, I'm always about to cry for no reason, and the injections are now hurting because I'm out of new places to hit. When you do 3 a night you're bound to start hitting some repeat spots and ouch!!!

I'm ready to be off this roller coaster and on the next one. Pregnancy is never a walk in the park for me either so I know I'm just trading in one roller coaster for another. :)

Too Much Excitement

Today's appointment was a bit too exciting for my taste. I have at least 20 good follicles and several small so he's upping my meds to get those to catch up. But my blood pressure was high (155/90) because of the hormones. I've always had that problem so I was just waiting for it to happen. I'll have to take meds for it through at least retrieval and transfer and then we will evaluate once I'm off all the hormones.

So that's my big update today. I'm ready to be done with this process!

Halfway

I am half way done with my stimming meds!! My E2 was fine today and I go back tomorrow for an ultrasound. I have to say that I am now very uncomfortable. I feel so swollen and bloated that it's ridiculous. My ovaries are very swollen and its bordering on painful sometimes. I should only have 4 (at the most 5) days of stims left so there is an end in sight. I try not to complain about it since I'm paying so much for this torture, but this is my blog so I can complain freely here.

I was surprised to get on the scale and see it had gone down this morning since none of my pants fit! If I put on a pair of jeans right now I would hurt so bad by the end of the day it's not even worth it.

Tomorrow we start counting follicles so I will post the magic number tomorrow afternoon.

Randomness

Today I was at Target (you're all shocked, right?) and there was this mom walking around with her six month old twins in their double stroller. They were so quiet and she seemed to really have it all together. She was showered, dressed, her hair was done, makeup on, and totally calm. I hadn't yet showered, was wearing my yoga pants and t-shirt, hair in a pony tail and my kids are in school all day!!! In my defense, I had just printed and dropped off fliers at school, responded to a million PTA emails, and was just grabbing stuff for dinner that would go in the crockpot since we have gymnastics after school today. I couldn't help but think that if that is me next year I will NOT in any way be that mom. Just from what I know about carting 2 young children to Target in the past, I will be barely functional and carrying around a Starbucks cup, possibly still in my yoga pants from the day before that I fell asleep in. I am ok with being that mom. I will wear my sweats with my hair in a pony tail because my stuff comes last. If I get everything done for PTA, get the house cleaned, do laundry, make beds, workout, go to the store, and do any errands that need to be done then I shower and get myself around. Sometimes it's 8PM, and I can be ok with that. It always gets done at some point. My point here is that I have come to accept that *if* this works and *if* I get pregnant with twins, I'm all set. I no longer have that need to keep up appearances because I know our family is happy and me showering and looking fabulous at 9AM is just not what is most important.

All Good

Everything was good today so I go back Thursday to do it all again. I feel pretty good. Just tired, my boobs hurt, and I'm really bloated. I'll just keep chugging all this water and hope it doesn't get worse.

In October I have somehow gotten myself into hosting a luncheon, decorating teachers' doors, bringing home the "to-do basket" for both teachers, co-hosting a class play date, and man the copy machine one day. What was I thinking??? We also have the state fair, pumpkin patches, field trips, a visit from grandma, and I don't even know what else! This month should fly by.

Brilliance

Guess who signed up to cook for a teachers luncheon the day before egg retrieval? Yep. Probably not the smartest thing I've ever done. I'll be making 3 Italian entrees and our other room mom will be making 3 as well. I'm thinking lasagna, rigatoni, and meatball subs. Still waiting to see what our warming situation is.

In other news, I'm very bloated. That is all.