A Doctor Who is NOT on Crack

So I had my appointment with the second opinion doctor today and I love, love, love him! First of all, he's an OB/GYN so he deals with crazy all day long. He was understanding and actually listened to me and asked questions to figure out what in the world is going on with my body. I told him what the other doctor had said and he flat out told me that doctor is a quack and I should never step back in his office. We talked a lot about diet, fitness, medications, anxiety, and I really felt like he was genuinely interested in helping me find a solution instead of just trying to be right. So here's what I learned:

1. YES Zoloft is horrible for weight and it's not uncommon for patients to gain weight while taking it. It's also very difficult to lose weight on it.
2. My PCOS may still be an issue. He said while my levels were "ok" and "normal" according to the other doctor, they are just slightly off and someone with PCOS doesn't fit into "normal" levels.
3. My anxiety is still an issue but he believes it's totally situational. There is something that makes me have higher anxiety than a normal person, but it's not unmanageable.
4. I left with a plan instead of wanting to punch him in the face. :)

So we have a game plan. I talked to him about my diet plans, exercise, and the possibility of going on Metformin again to get my body back in order. This is pending some lab results so we will see. He told me to stop taking the Zoloft. He said at this point the benefits are not outweighing the side effects so it's no longer worth the trade off. This is where we get into the point that my anxiety is situational. He asked how I generally feel on a normal day and we discussed school and future plans, but then he asked about my family, friends, and outside influences and he said he instantly noticed a difference in me. He thinks I spend too much time trying to please everyone and make everyone happy. He said I need to step back and reevaluate my relationships with people and how they help or hurt me. We talked a lot about how I have a lot of hurt from my past and he picked up on something almost nobody does about me... that a lot of my anxiety comes from the fact that I want to protect my children from feeling the way I did as a child. So, instead of meds, he is sending me to see a counselor to see if maybe I can work on some strategies for dealing with stress and anxiety that don't involve medicine.

We came up with a diet and exercise plan that we both agreed will be good for me. The hardest part? I have to cut back on cheese. I love cheese. Apparently I love it too much though and my LDL was a little high. That's going to be hard for me, but nothing is impossible. :)

Change of Plans!

So I made an appointment with a new doctor for Monday. After thinking about it, I don't want to see a doctor that doesn't believe me and feels like his way is the only way. I had the most amazing and supportive doctor in KS and I know there are doctors are out there who genuinely care about their patients and believe them. I won't take less. When I called yesterday to this new doctor, the receptionist asked why I wanted to come in (he's primarily an OB/GYN but does some internal medicine as well) and I told her what happened at my appointment and she told me she thought that was completely absurd and not ok. She told me to come in Monday and she assured me I would leave with some sort of explanation and plan of action.

So you know what I did this morning? I hosted Jack's Halloween party at school and then hauled my butt to the gym. Like I do every single day. I won't let some idiot doctor make me feel bad and question my habits.

**Also adding that after lots of research today I discovered that a high percentage of women gain anywhere from 15-70 lbs while taking Zoloft!! That doctor is on crack. It isn't just me!

Dr. Appointment

So this morning I went to the doctor for a yearly check-up and kind of get established with a doctor here. I went to the physician that I take the kids to and I love how he is with them. I came out beyond irritated because of 3 things I heard during my appointment.

1. People who work out as much as you say you do weigh like 120 lbs. You can't possibly be working out that much.
2. It's calories in vs. calories out. If you aren't losing weight then it's because you aren't burning enough or you're eating too much.
3. Well, if it's the medicine you think is making you gain weight, which I strongly disagree with, then we should just take you off of all medication.

First of all, I'm working out that much to lose some weight! And yeah I might know one or two things about weight loss and I do think it's the medicine that is causing weight gain and my inability to lose weight easily. Secondly, anyone who has lost weight knows that calories in versus calories out is only part of it. Things like medication and random plateaus can deter weight loss. Period. Third, there's no way he's taking me off of medication. I will drive back to KS and see my other doctor before I allow that to happen. So after a debate about how I know my body and I know what I'm talking about so either he could do it or I'll find another doctor, he agreed to change my medication and see if that helps. I refuse to put up with crap from doctors. It's my body. I know my body up, down, and sideways. I'm not going to let any doctor tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about.

And just to be clear, I had a whole notebook with pictures, BB burn graphs, food logs, my weight every single month since June 2008, my exercise routines, and medications I was taking when. I was prepared and I had all of this in front of him, showing him that I know what I'm talking about and that my habits are good habits! I'm not sitting around eating crap and not counting things. I live a healthy lifestyle and I'm doing the right things.

So, I got my new medicine, he is checking hormone levels and thyroid levels, and when everything comes out fine and I lose weight after not taking Zoloft anymore, I will throw it in his face with no shame.

My Inner Chuck

Lately I have found myself digging real deep to what I like to call, "my inner Chuck." See, Chuck was my personal trainer previously and he did something nobody had ever done for me. He pushed me until I thought I was going to die and then asked me to do one more. There was one weekend where he kept me for 2 hours on Saturday, but he didn't feel like we got enough done so he told me to come back on Sunday for free. He always made sure I was his last appointment so he could torture me as long as he wanted. I took 2 days off from the gym after that weekend because I could barely get out of bed. It was the best feeling ever. He challenged me and really believed in my abilities. I could just do what he told me and not think about it because I knew he would push me past my comfort zone, but he wouldn't kill me. I would focus on reps and hearing him count instead of thinking. I would breath and do just one more when my muscles were fatigued and I thought I would drop the weights because my muscles would give out. More than once, that happened. When I couldn't get up off the floor without help or when I would literally drop weight because my body was giving out, he would let me leave. He would always rub my shoulders a little bit, tell me how great I did, and then tell me, "No matter how bad it hurts now, it'll hurt worse in 2 days." Yeah. I loved Chuck. So now when I'm lifting weights and I feel my arm start to twitch a little bit, I summon my inner Chuck and tell myself just one more. I let weights down slowly on that last rep and hold it for a few seconds, because that's what he taught me. I push myself past my comfort zone every day. He taught me how to work out and what it means to quit over thinking things and trust that my body can do more than I give it credit for. Thanks Chuck!

Ugh...

Today I did NOT want to go the the gym. It would have been so much easier to just come home and lay around all day doing homework, but I didn't. I told myself that I would go for at least 30 minutes. As some of you avid exercisers know, once you actually get started the endorphins take over and you want to keep going. The hardest part is often walking through the door and turning on the machine. Once I get started then I'm ready to keep going and suddenly become motivated. I got my 2 hours in this morning so I'm happy. :)

Bodybugg

So after trying to get my Bodybugg to upload with no success for a few days (site maintenance) I got my calorie burns uploaded finally. My total burn for the week was just shy of 20,000 and my calorie intake was about 11,200. This is a difference of approximately 8,800 calories, or almost 3 pounds. Since I'm not getting on the scale for another few weeks, I'm keeping track of this consistently because if I keep up this pace I can most definitely make my goal of 10 pounds lost this month. We'll see what the scale actually shows when it comes time to actually see what my progress is, but this is my way of obsessing over something besides the scale. It shows I'm putting in the work and should see results. I burn almost 3000 calories a day right now, but it's because I'm putting in anywhere from 2-4 hours a day in the gym. It's unrealistic for anyone working a full time job to keep up workouts like that. I'm fortunate enough that my school schedule allows for that much flexibility right now. Once I'm doing clinicals for nursing I know I won't have the ability to put in that much time at the gym. I'm soaking it up while I still can. :)

Complaining....

I'm just going to whine, so if you'd rather not read it I suggest you skip this post. :)

I hurt. Like everything on my body hurts. My hands have callouses even though I always wear weight lifting gloves, my feet have blisters and are so sore (bought new shoes this morning though), my legs are sore, my arms hurt so bad that I could barely get juice off the shelf at the store, my back hurts, my chest hurts, my abs hurt, and my butt hurts! I've been doing squats, running, rowing, using the elliptical, walking, lifting weights, doing crunches, and essentially beating the crap out of myself this last week! I was running before and occasionally doing some weights, but now I'm back into that hardcore training mode that makes me feel about 80 years old until my body adjusts to it. It sucks. I'm taking lots of hot baths and Ibuprofen. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I'm writing papers for school that are frying my brain and the intense workouts take a lot of mental energy! I'm a firm believer in the fact that your body can handle a lot more than your mind so it takes a lot of concentration sometimes to break through that mental barrier that tells you to stop. I know it will get better. I know my muscles will adjust to the workouts and as my weight goes down it will be less stress on my body. I know that once I push myself through that mental barrier, it gets easier to challenge myself. I know that midterms only last a couple weeks and then it's back to normal until finals in December. I know that the bitch instructor for my child health class has no life and I will never take another class with her name on it again. Yesterday she decided she wanted a table of contents, title page, dedication, safety rules, and cooking terms to go with our food book. We finished our books a week ago! Oh and she was hoping everyone would get time to work on it this weekend and have it in by Monday. Nice.

I know I wouldn't want to live with me right now. I know I'm cranky and probably a little disagreeable. My poor children. Oh, and Matt. It's just temporary. I just want my XS t-shirts to fit again! That's all!

I Still Feel Pain So I'm Not Dead

Everything on my body hurts! My hands hurt from the rowing machine (even with gloves...), my legs hurt from the stair machine, my abs hurt from the amount of abs work I've done this week, and my chest and back hurts probably just because everything else does and they don't want to feel left out. I forgot how sore these workouts can make me! I've been running here and there for a while, but the hard gym workouts with weights and stair machines work entirely different muscles than just running on a treadmill. I have a good schedule and workout down now though and I'm extremely happy with it. I took my weight and measurements on the 15th of this month so we will see how much progress I make by the 15th of next month. My goal is 10 lbs. That's only realistic because I know I can lose a lot at first and then it slows way down. I also plateau really easily so I'm going to switch things up a lot so my weight loss doesn't stall. I have a plan and goals so that's a step in the right direction!

Still Going...

Whew. I'm exhausted. Today was a two-workout day! Every Tuesday and Thursday will be my days where I double up on workouts. I love going in the morning because it gives me energy and routine, but I also love going with Matt a few times a week in the evenings so we have that time together. The only non-workout day for me is Sunday right now. Yep. That's right. That totally neurotic girl who lives at the gym is back. My tip of the day- don't try to do tricep dips with a new tattoo on your shoulder. Ouch.

Things I forgot how much I love at the gym:
1. The rowing machine. Love. It.
2. Ability to move machines as often as I want.
3. The knowledge that everyone in that room is also trying to get through their workout and I'm not alone.
4. Having somewhere to go where it's all about me. I don't have to worry about anyone else.
5. The options! Classes? Machines? Outside track? Pool? It's nice to have options.

I've also been very controlled about my eating. Not just calories and quantity, but the quality of foods I'm putting in my body! Fruits, vegetable, and lean meats come first! A while back I quit drinking anything carbonated. It really wasn't even on purpose! We got our Keurig machine and started drinking coffee and the next thing I knew I just wasn't drinking pop at all anymore. Now it just tastes gross. It's funny how when you stop drinking it and then try to drink it again it tastes horrible and you wonder why you ever drank it to begin with. I think I'm less hungry when I don't drink it as well. It seems to mess with something in my body that makes me feel more hungry when I drink it. I have that problem with fake sugars in general.

So there you have it. I'm still alive and functioning even after 2 workouts today. Friday I will update with my Bodybugg calories burned for the week, but I'm not weighing in until November 15th. I will probably be going crazy by then but I need the routine and healthy habits down again first and the scale will work in my favor. Obsessing over the scale doesn't help me any right now so why have the added stress?

The Gym

This morning after dropping the kids off at school I headed to the gym. I didn't realize how much I missed the gym! I love going to the gym for many reasons, but mostly it's because I have zero attention span and get bored rather easily. If I'm at the gym and get bored I can just move to a different machine. This morning I started on the elliptical and lasted about 30 minutes before I just got bored. Then I moved on to the stair machine (like the ones on Biggest Loser) for about 20 minutes and finished on the rowing machine for about 20 minutes. I did some abs work and a few weights at the end. It ended up being around an hour and a half. Then I had to come home to do homework. Blah.

I love the feeling of exhaustion that comes with a good workout. I feel energized, but at the same time I am exhausted. Love it.

The Weekend

Weekends are always hard when there's family, food, homework, and especially when you are unpacking boxes and assembling beds! We got the last of our stuff from the house in Andover this weekend and Sonya and Mark spent the weekend with us and of course we ate out a lot, didn't work out enough, had dessert, and all those things you're not supposed to do when you're trying to lose weight. But guess what? It's one weekend. If there's anything I've learned in this whole thing it's that one weekend isn't everything. If you eat well and workout 90% of the time, the other 10% really won't affect you all that much.

We joined the local gym today so we have better access to equipment and classes. This week I will probably live there. I've really missed having a gym membership. I've been working out here at the apartment building and it's got a descent gym, but it's not the big gym with lots of equipment that I'm used to. And most of all, it doesn't have boxing classes or the social aspects of going to they gym. I thrive on that stuff. I like knowing that certain people will be at the gym when I am there and knowing that the staff notices if you miss a few days. I can't replace those relationships that I had at the Andover YMCA, but I can build new ones here. It's not like I'm real shy. :)

Tomorrow is a new day! I'll make the best of it!

Just Because

I hadn't posted this picture anywhere, mostly because it doesn't quite do it justice. It looks much bigger than it actually is and is more proportionate to my tattoo on my other shoulder now. I have on a tank top today (because it's still 85 here in Texas...happy dance!) and it looks really good. I think I'm done now. Usually when I leave the tattoo place I feel that "just one more..." feeling, but this time I left thinking I'm done. This was by far my most painful tattoo to have done. I'm not sure why (I'm thinking maybe because I was on my period?) but those 3 hours were pure torture. I'm not a newbie at this. I know how much my others have hurt and I fully expected some amount of pain and discomfort. This was beyond that. I was almost in tears after an hour. The guy who did it was amazing though and just kept talking to me and telling me what he was doing the whole time so I knew how much more I had to endure. It sucked. The end. It looks good though and I don't regret it. I'm just done now. :)

Today is a New Day

Every day is a new beginning. Every day when I wake up I have to make choices based on what I want in life. I snuggle up to my husband and tell him I love him. Or sometimes he thinks he can snuggle up with me BEFORE MY ALARM GOES OFF and I lovingly tell him I'm going back to sleep. I eventually choose to get up, shower, pack backpacks and lunches, check homework, unload the dishwasher, make breakfast, and drive kids to school. This usually involves firing up my Keurig first thing when I walk into the kitchen and consuming 24 ounces of coffee in the first 2 hours I'm awake. Those all seem like things that HAVE to get done, but in reality it's a choice I make every day. I choose to do these things so that our household functions in an efficient way (sort of... there's still that matter of my daughter screaming about having to be a child who is fortunate enough to have nice clothes and shoes, a full lunch box, and an excellent school to attend) in the mornings. It's not always what I want to do and there are many mornings I would rather just lay around in bed until noon watching talk shows in my pajamas. Alas, that isn't my reality. I make the right choice and do what needs to be done.

The same applies to losing weight. Every day I make the choice of whether or not to workout. I choose what foods I put in my body. I choose what my priorities will be for the day. This requires a lot of accountability and good choices in order to see that number on the scale go down. I am the only one in control of what I do with my body. I am accountable for everything I put in my mouth and every step I do or don't take. I will own up to this and know I've made some poor choices over the last 6 months or so. But here I am. I'm taking responsibility and trying to make good choices.

The other thing I've put a lot of thought into lately is that losing weight sometimes costs money. Yes, I know I can run outside, lift weights at home, and track my calories on a notepad. This doesn't work well for me though. I need accountability and classes. I need to have a workout I love. I like to run when I'm in the mood for it, but what I really love is kickboxing. I know where my son gets it from because there's nothing I like better than hitting or kicking a punching bag. These classes aren't cheap. Gym memberships are not cheap either. There's also a weight loss group that I want to join that starts November 7th to gain friendships and have the added support. Again, these things all cost money. When I first added it up I was thinking there was no way I could afford to do these things that I want to do. Then I realized that I have spent way more than that in furnishing this apartment and buying things to make it our home. These are not things I need to survive. Having a place that feels like home certainly makes me more productive in my school work and it makes our family function in a more productive way somehow, but they aren't necessary. So am I really going to complain about spending money on a gym membership and fitness classes that will help me get where I want to be? Nope. I made sure I had enough student loan money set aside so that I could take on the burden of this expense myself so that I have no excuse. My intention is to sign up for the gym membership in the next few days (have to find proof of residence first...) and enroll for those classes starting in November. Today is a new day in which God has given me the ability to make good choices. I will take this opportunity and live my life the best way in which I know how and take the steps needed to reach my goals.

Sooo... Here We Go Again

Well, here's my story. After losing over 130 pounds over the course of 2 years with just diet and exercise, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. I was pretty much at my goal. I could walk into a store and buy a size small or size 6 and not think twice about it, and I still wasn't happy.

I hated my body. I was so depressed and miserable even though I'm not sure anyone really saw that in me. I could run 10 miles and not think twice about it. I had 2 gorgeous kids and a loving husband at home and I should have been on top of the world. I had everything I thought I wanted and yet I can't remember another time when I felt so bad. I was to the point where I was constantly anxious and every time I got in a car I had the urge to drive it off the road. I eventually hit my breaking point where Matt forced me to get help. I needed it and I wasn't in my right mind enough to even realize how bad I had gotten. At the end of May, I changed my life. I went into a doctor's office and admitted I needed help. After an hour of discussing medications, life situations, and the possibility of being hospitalized if the initial treatment didn't work...we had a plan. I started out on 3 medications. Two for depression and one for anxiety. It was 3 medications, but with everything I was taking it added up to 8 pills a day. After about a week I felt a noticeable difference. When my doctor called to check on me I was able to say that I felt much better. After 2 weeks I started to feel like me again. After 4 weeks I made some major life decisions that were definitely for the better. That was 5 months ago...

And that leads me to now. I need to lose 35 pounds again, but I'm happy. I no longer walk around being afraid of unreasonable things. I can logically work through a situation without being in tears. I don't drink. Ever. Not even a little bit. I still take an anti-depressent, but it's only one pill once a day. Oh, and we moved 5.5 hours away from everything familiar to us, and we LOVE it! But those 35 pounds? They need to be gone! I know what it takes to lose weight obviously. I know what I need to do and how to be successful at it. I know how my body works and how much I have to want it in order to be successful. But, this time I am in a much better place mentally. That's where this blog comes in. I will lose these pounds with a goal date of June 8, 2012.  Here we go...again.