This sucks

Sitting here at my doctor's office and everyone is here for pregnancy ultrasounds this morning. I don't want to be jealous and hateful, but it's really hard to see couple after couple parade in and out of here with their baby pictures. They have what I want and it's so hard to not be jealous that they got their babies and I'm still here. Most of the time I do ok, but when it's right there in your face its a lot harder. These aren't my friends. My friends I am thrilled for! I love seeing them happy! These are just couples getting what I want. And today it sucks.

National Infertility Awareness Week

I find it very interesting that I'm in the midst of ivf during Infertility Awareness Week. I have dealt with infertility in some form or another for 10 years. I've had cysts, polyps, endometriosis, thyroid issues, multiple miscarriages...the list goes on. I've seen some of my favorite bloggers go on to have happy and complete families, and I've seen some give up the fight. There isn't a right or wrong way to handle this situation so I just do what I do best. I talk. I don't see infertility as something embarrassing or too personal to discuss. Everyone parent from jack's baseball team knows we are doing ivf. Madison's teacher knows, my friends know, our families know, the kids know...the mailman probably knows! Through a weight loss club I'm a member of I know another girl starting this process for the first time the same day as my retrieval. She's seeing the other dr I considered with similar issues we are dealing with. I don't feel alone in this and I don't sit around thinking "why me?" If God only gives you what he thinks you can handle, then He must think I'm a total badass. I can beat infertility. I'm already a mother so I've already won.

If any of you want to read an amazing book about a journey through ivf, read 'Single Infertile Woman.' I related to so much of what she was going through and she puts into words things that I just can't find the words for. It reads like a good book, not an informational pamphlet. While we all have different reasons for ivf, our feelings about it and desperation are pretty much the same.

Playing the Odds

This is always the part of ivf that makes me have doubts about this whole process. My retrieval is scheduled for 15 days from now. The shots don't bother me, the chance of having twins no longer scares me as much, and the pain of retrieval doesn't cross my mind. It's the paralyzingly fear that this won't work. I can't do this again. I can't and I won't. I'm scared to death that I will go through all of this and not get my baby. This is a complete numbers game. Each fresh cycle has about a 50% chance of working. Each frozen cycle has a 20% chance of working. I've had both fail. There is a 50% chance this will work, but that means there is a 50% chance it won't. My doctor says my odds are probably a bit better because of my age and having 2 children already so he puts me around the 70% range. I have had my share of falling on the bad side of the numbers game, so it should be my turn to be on the good side this time. Too bad it doesn't work that way...

Step 1, DONE!

I am done with pills! I'm doing 1 shot per day of Lupron, and will add 2 more per day (menopur and Gonal-f) in the next week depending on when my period starts. I am so glad to be done with those evil pills.

This Sucks

This is feeling like it's the longest ivf cycle ever. I had some weird flu like virus and now I have an awful cold! All in the last 2 weeks. I think my immune system is just shot right now. Oh and I can't take anything for any of it. So I'm just here, doing my shots, popping some pills, and waiting for the next month to pass.

Oh The Joys of IVF

Oh my God the headaches and bloating suck. The needles are the easy part. Just another day in the life of an IVF veteran.

Gold Star For Me!

When I get my ivf calendar it's almost like I earned a gold star. No cysts, E2 is good, I get to start injections. Yay? I actually always like this appointment because I get all my forms, I have a plan, and I get the "nothing but Tylenol and prenatal vitamin" speech. This is when shit gets real and I'm sucked in. As a bonus, I was talking to my favorite nurse and she said Dr. G ripped the other nurse's ass because I didn't like her. She's messed up some messages and minor things, but mostly I just don't like how stuck up she acts all the time. When she called me back today she was so sweet and wonderful. I honestly thought maybe she was high or something. When she stepped out the other nurse came in all like, "OMG you have to hear this!" and told me all about it. I think that means I officially outrank her. Apparently he told her that I am by far his easiest patient to deal with and if she can't get along with me then she won't last long. Both doctors always say I'm so practical and positive and they love patients like me. We have a good relationship honestly. When I speak up about something they listen because they know I respect them and trust them. I almost always go on their recommendations and rarely complain. I am literally trusting them with my future and babies. They are as invested as I am and I love that. So here we go again. Dr. G, Dr. M, and me are going to make some babies. Oh and my husband if he's in town. Is it weird that he isn't necessary for the actual day I get the embryos transferred? He only has to show up one day, and that's mostly just because I can't drive after being knocked out. :)

Yeah, I'm Trying

IVF update

This IVF cycle is already incredibly hard for me so I sure hope it works! I'm starving, nauseous, exhausted, and cranky!! I start my first round of injectable meds this week so I'll be adding hot flashes and headaches to the mix. I slept 12 hours last night and could seriously use a nap. I'm that tired. I'm doing a shorter bcp/lupron cycle this time so I'll be starting stims April 26th as of right now. In 5 weeks I will be done with all of this!! Then it's the awful progesterone shots and I'm dreading those so much this time. Last cycle they hurt so bad and I had so many bruises. I just hope it's all worth it because this is sucking the life out of me!

Metabolic Testing

This morning I had my resting metabolic rate tested and it was so informative!! I knew my metabolism wasn't great so I just really wanted to know how bad it was. My RMR is just under 1400. That means if I do nothing all day, I could eat 1400 a day and break even. Of course I don't sit around and do nothing all day, so I can eat about 1485 if I go to the gym and burn 400+ calories that day and lose about a pound a week. I've been working on weight lifting more lately to try to up my metabolism so we'll see in a few months if it helps. The other thing I learned is that my body burns carbs for a long time before it burns fat. The dietitian said I can't really eat many carbs if I want to lose weight because my body won't easily burn fat until I've burned off all carbs. That's really fine because I don't eat much wheat or dairy anyways. I just really wanted to know what I was dealing with going into a pregnancy because I don't want to gain a lot. Seeing a dietitian and personal trainer should help with that I hope!