Moving Forward

I've been taking a few days to just process things and get myself together. I think in general I have handled this miscarriage better than other times it has happened. I have learned to trust my instincts when something doesn't feel right and I kind of saw it coming. It's still hard and it's still a daily battle with myself over 'what went wrong.' My doctor made the comment that maybe my blood pressure was to blame and we should watch it more closely next time. I know that isn't the issue. I checked it every day and it was no where near high enough for it to be an issue. I'm not buying it. It's just the only thing that 'went wrong' so that is what they want to blame. Most likely it was just a chromosomal issue and wasn't compatible with life. It is what it is and we have to move forward at this point.

That brings me to now. I have lost a whopping 5-ish pounds of the 25 I gained. I have to bust my ass until January in order to cycle again. That means there is no room for error. I can't eat out more than once a week. I have to run 5 days a week. I cannot screw up for 2 days and gain back everything I lost throughout the week. I want a baby more than I want to eat that crap or take a break from running. It sucks because I have to say no a lot. I have to tell my husband no when he wants to go out to eat this week because he's home. I have to say no to friends who want to have lunch with me at our favorite places. I have to say no when the kids want frozen yogurt or ice cream. I feel like I am constantly saying no. Anyone around me who knows how much I want another child or who wants me to be able to succeed at getting pregnant will understand. If they don't understand then they obviously don't get it. I will lose the weight because it increases my chance of success. Every pound counts. I'm losing 1.5-2 lbs a week right now and I will cycle again when these pounds are gone. The sooner the better!

There is one thing I am saying yes to though. I am running consistently again. I will run some races in the spring if my cycle fails. I can run through an FET cycle except right after transfer. It's only 10 days. I can run while pregnant or obviously if it fails. I just can't run those 10 days until we get a good beta. The evil progesterone is what caused 15 pounds of my weight gain so I'm dreading that again. That's why losing this weight isn't optional. I can't keep these 20 lbs and gain 15 more next cycle. It really decreases my chances and we are investing a lot of money and hope in this process. I need any help I can get.

So if I say no to joining you for a meal because I had to say yes to a healthy body for next cycle, I'm not sorry. I'm doing the one and only thing I have control of in this process to help it succeed. I have 2 'babies' on ice that need me to do this. Just like with my 2 living children, I would do anything to give them the best chance in life. Yes, it sucks. It's totally worth it though. My children prove it to me every day.