Recipe Book

This has been my project this week. I made my own recipe book of favorites and new ones I want to try. I have 3 months of recipes to make now. :)

We have also decided we are not cycling again until at least February for sure. That would give us an October baby. If that doesn't work then we will do another fresh cycle in May. I would want to do it before the kids were home for summer. It's too much work to drag them with me every time I go in. Just planning ahead.

Ugh

Today I signed up for WW online again. I didn't do it willingly though. I would say I did it kicking and screaming, but knowing it's what I need right now. With IVF, pregnancy, and a miscarriage, my body is just out of whack. Calorie counting isn't cutting it right now and I'm doing at least 3 miles on the treadmill every day plus strength training 3 days a week. Something had to give and I know many people who have had success with WW. I've done it in the past with success myself so I KNOW it works. I just hate paying for things I think I should be able to do for free.

I must also say that today is the day my period should have started if it were a normal cycle. Gotta love when your phone ridicules you without trying. The message said, "Your period should arrive today" but what I read was, "Hey your period should be here today, but it won't be. Because you WERE pregnant and it fucked everything up so who knows when it will actually arrive." Yippee. Since I shouldn't have ovulated until 2 weeks after my beta was zero, then I suppose I probably won't see my period for at least another week or so. That's fine by me. I had enough bleeding last month to last a lifetime. On a related note, I don't know if we will cycle in January at this point. We are running a race February 1st and I don't want to be a mess from IVF, or pregnant. I don't know. I want to cycle. I want a baby. What I don't want is another failed cycle or miscarriage. I'm just not ready for that yet. I think I'm better off waiting to cycle when I can handle another failure. That may sound really depressing, but it's true. The odds aren't great for a frozen cycle and my odds aren't great in general. I'm not really thinking about it quite yet because I'm not ready to go there. When we are ready, we'll do it. Those embryos aren't going anywhere.

Mama's Got New Shoes!

You know what makes me happy right now? Putting on my headphones and running like there's no tomorrow. The scale is NOT cooperating right now and I kind of have this attitude that the scale can suck it. I don't even care. I like to run. More than that, I like training for something. I don't know if I'll get pregnant next year. I don't know if I'll have a baby anytime soon. What I do know is that I'm not going to just sit around and be miserable until it happens. This whole getting pregnant and having babies business has never been easy for us, and I didn't expect that to start now. I'm stubborn enough and we want it enough that we will just keep plugging along until it works. Realistically, we will have 3-4 chances in 2013. A typical IVF cycle is about 8 weeks, then a 2 month break if it doesn't work. When I stepped back and thought about it, that's really not very many cycles in one year! Instead of focusing my life entirely on my reproductive organs, I am choosing to do what I know I can. We are signed up for a Graffiti Run February 1st. By we, I mean the whole family. Kids and all. There is a race almost every month, but these are the ones I have my eye on:

1. Graffiti Run 2/1
2. Hot Chocolate Run 2/9
3. Firefly Run 3/23
4. Color Run 4/6
5. Too Hot To Handle 7/14
6. Race for the Cure 10/19
7. Turkey Trot 11/28
8. Glow Run (Nov)
9. Frosty 5K (Dec)
10. Dallas Marathon (half) (Dec)

I'm not dumb enough to plan many summer runs. :) I'm sure I can find one in May and September, but nothing has caught my eye yet. My goal, and it may not happen in 2013, is to run a race every month for a whole year. It's doable, just expensive! I will have quite the collection of t-shirts though! This is something I CAN do. I can't force my body to have a baby, but I can force it to keep moving forward towards that Marathon next December! Maybe I'll get brave and run the whole thing! Right now I'm really just aiming for the half because the idea of running 26 miles just isn't all that appealing. I won't even drive 26 miles to go somewhere without complaining it's too far. :)

Moving Forward

I've been taking a few days to just process things and get myself together. I think in general I have handled this miscarriage better than other times it has happened. I have learned to trust my instincts when something doesn't feel right and I kind of saw it coming. It's still hard and it's still a daily battle with myself over 'what went wrong.' My doctor made the comment that maybe my blood pressure was to blame and we should watch it more closely next time. I know that isn't the issue. I checked it every day and it was no where near high enough for it to be an issue. I'm not buying it. It's just the only thing that 'went wrong' so that is what they want to blame. Most likely it was just a chromosomal issue and wasn't compatible with life. It is what it is and we have to move forward at this point.

That brings me to now. I have lost a whopping 5-ish pounds of the 25 I gained. I have to bust my ass until January in order to cycle again. That means there is no room for error. I can't eat out more than once a week. I have to run 5 days a week. I cannot screw up for 2 days and gain back everything I lost throughout the week. I want a baby more than I want to eat that crap or take a break from running. It sucks because I have to say no a lot. I have to tell my husband no when he wants to go out to eat this week because he's home. I have to say no to friends who want to have lunch with me at our favorite places. I have to say no when the kids want frozen yogurt or ice cream. I feel like I am constantly saying no. Anyone around me who knows how much I want another child or who wants me to be able to succeed at getting pregnant will understand. If they don't understand then they obviously don't get it. I will lose the weight because it increases my chance of success. Every pound counts. I'm losing 1.5-2 lbs a week right now and I will cycle again when these pounds are gone. The sooner the better!

There is one thing I am saying yes to though. I am running consistently again. I will run some races in the spring if my cycle fails. I can run through an FET cycle except right after transfer. It's only 10 days. I can run while pregnant or obviously if it fails. I just can't run those 10 days until we get a good beta. The evil progesterone is what caused 15 pounds of my weight gain so I'm dreading that again. That's why losing this weight isn't optional. I can't keep these 20 lbs and gain 15 more next cycle. It really decreases my chances and we are investing a lot of money and hope in this process. I need any help I can get.

So if I say no to joining you for a meal because I had to say yes to a healthy body for next cycle, I'm not sorry. I'm doing the one and only thing I have control of in this process to help it succeed. I have 2 'babies' on ice that need me to do this. Just like with my 2 living children, I would do anything to give them the best chance in life. Yes, it sucks. It's totally worth it though. My children prove it to me every day.

OMG the Workouts

After my appointment yesterday I vowed to come home and lose the weight I gained this cycle so we can do it all over again. My doctor gave me the okay to workout, just no running until the bleeding stops. I can jog for short distances and that's really all I'm capable of right now anyways. My workout yesterday was brutal. I hurt and I'm exhausted so I was just going through the motions. I can't spend more than 20 minutes on the treadmill without taking a break. The cramping gets too bad and I have to rest for a while before getting back on. It took me almost 2 hours to get in a full workout because I had to stop a lot. I had a kid home sick so I had nothing better to do anyways. I am writing this during my halftime of today's workout. I made it 30 minutes on the treadmill and will hop back on in a bit to finish. I can't push myself too hard right now. My body has been through hell and back the last 3 months. I need time to heal and get my body ready for round 2. This week I'm taking extra iron to help deal with the blood loss, but nothing else. This is the first time in months that I haven't been taking pills and/or shots. I'm over it. I just want a week of taking nothing.

Not Now

I almost feel guilty for saying it, but I feel relieved. My beta dropped to 52 and the sono showed that my lining was down to a 6 with no signs of an ectopic. I felt from the beginning that something was off and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not the ending I was hoping for, but it could be worse. This shouldn't drag on forever and we will cycle again after I have a cycle to let my body recover. My transfer should be in January. It gives me some time to lose the weight I gained and heal. It is unbelievably frustrating to spend so much money and end up with nothing, but sometimes life just isn't fair. I'm considering it an investment into the baby we do eventually have. I'm not sure how many times I'm willing to do this, but the next cycle will be frozen (much easier) and I would be willing to do another fresh cycle at some point. Just not soon. Right now we are pushing forward and having faith that it will happen. A good friend told me this morning that sometimes when we ask God for something his answer is, "not now." It doesn't mean He's saying never, but it just isn't our time yet and we need to be patient. I'm trying, but patience is not my strong point.

It's Over

I started bleeding this morning and it got much worse throughout the day. Now complete with clots and cramping that is unbearable. I go on Monday to see if I need a D&C, but either way this pregnancy is over. It sucks. My doctor is fabulous and helping me cope the best I can right now. I don't know where to go from here.

5 Weeks

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant! I'm cautiously optimistic that we will bring home at least 1 baby in June at this point. I will feel a lot better after about 8 weeks, but I also don't want to wish time away. Right now I am enjoying being pregnant. I'm exhausted, nauseous, my back is killing me, and I could not be any happier. The kids know we are expecting and that we will know soon how many babies will be joining our family. They have been really good about helping with things and letting Matt do bedtime right now so I can rest. My morning sickness hits about 2 PM and gets worse until bedtime. Every day it gets worse too so I know in about a week I won't be keeping much down. My hips are also both really sore from shots so after we do that each night I am pretty much done. All I can do is lay around with my heating pad for 20 minutes on/20 minutes off until I fall asleep.

I'm counting calories with this pregnancy and that is totally new for me. I didn't pay attention to what I ate at all with either other kid and wasn't concerned about gaining weight. This time I would like to gain about 20 lbs if it is only one baby. I'm eating about 2000 calories (dr recommended), but I still can't workout. I got on the treadmill for 45 minutes the other day, but then I needed a nap! That should get better in a few weeks though. I'd like to stay fairly active so I'm not dying after this kid is born and I try to run again. I haven't been able to run for weeks so I'm sure it will be rough when I start again anyways. I want to up my walking mileage though while pregnant in hopes of running the half next year at the Dallas Marathon. We will see if I can actually pull that off. If I have another c-section I probably won't be able to so I'm pushing for a VBAC. My doctor is awesome and totally ok with it.

That's it. 5 weeks down, 35-ish left!