Relief

I almost feel guilty writing this, but what I felt while talking to my doctors this morning was relief. I didn't feel good about this cycle at all. I knew our embryos weren't perfect. I knew my lining was just slightly off. I knew the hormones were causing my thyroid to be enlarged. I knew the progesterone has been torturous leaving welts and bruises the size of baseballs. That's why I didn't share the details, because I knew this wasn't it for me. I'm not heartbroken or sad. I am relieved that I won't be putting back questionable embryos that could lead to miscarriage. That would be heartbreaking.

We have talked a lot about what the next step is and right now there isn't one. I've been wanting to go back to seeing a personal trainer so I'm doing that. We have put off going to Disneyland so we are planning that for spring. The kids are excited that grandma is going with us to Sea World over spring break so there's that too. How can we afford those things and still go forward with anything? Well, my doctors are amazing. The have offered to do a cycle for us for almost nothing. Like 75% off what most places charge. And I have left over meds. I still don't know if I want to, but the offer is there. They felt bad for freezing questionable embryos and giving us such great odds. Honestly, I was sitting there reassuring them that I was fine this morning and didn't blame them at all. How could I possibly be upset with them? Dr. G told Dr. M that I am very practical and positive when it comes to this process and he is absolutely right. I understand and trust my doctors and the science behind all this. I'm also extremely thankful that these wonderful men are in my life and want this for our family. I am appreciative beyond words for their kindness and willingness to get us through this. Dr. G is even willing to allow me to switch from injections to inserts for progesterone next cycle because that was such as issue this time. I don't know if we will cycle again, but how can I not with this offer? Just not soon. I need some time. And to drink coffee again regularly. :)

Unplanned

The embryos survived the thaw, but all the cells had died as of this morning. No transfer for us today. :(

I Win

This weekend we went and picked up my new car. After much discussion, it was decided that it is MY car and I could get whatever I damn well please as long as my ass is covered in bruises from shots and I'm hormonal. This conversation was mostly had in my head, but whatever. So, I win. I got my minivan with leather (heated!) seats, sunroof, and hands free bluetooth audio. I have to say that I am in LOVE with it. There is so much more room and there has been so much less arguing in in back seat. There is actually room for backpacks, lunch boxes, and children in the backseat! Mama is happy!

Yeah. That.

Too Much

This post will most likely be just me rambling about things that I kind of  need to sort out in my head.

1. I had an appointment with a new PCP this morning who saw my diagnosis this morning of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and actually knew what it was and how awful it is. Most doctors act like it's just normal anxiety and they have no idea how it alters every day life. She asked me what some of my anxiety triggers are and we went down the list of things that cause me problems and asked how I cope with them when I encounter them. My triggers change sometimes and I'll notice something new and it throws me off. Lately it's been that I can't run or walk outside if nobody is home waiting for me to get home. I actually noticed this a few months ago, but I really tend to stick to the treadmill now just because it's easier than talking myself into going outside. Also, within the last year I realized that I hate showering if I'm the only adult home. I will almost always either do it first thing in the morning or wait until Matt gets home. Obviously, since Matt travels some then it's not always an option. I can talk myself into doing it if I have to because I know the fear of it isn't rational, but most days it's just easier to work around it. I also HATE stairwells and elevators. I told her that as soon as I walked in and saw that those were my choices, I almost turned around and left. The list is long and I don't always know what they are until I am in the situation. The thing is, you would never know this about me if I didn't tell you. I don't even pause at getting in an elevator before getting in, I just do it. I don't stop to think about things too much because it makes it worse. I just do it and live my life and hope nothing bad happens. That doesn't mean I'm not slowly counting to 10 in my head or focusing on my breathing to get through whatever I'm doing. It also means that I avoid what I can so that when I do encounter things that cause me anxiety I can deal with them more easily. It was so nice to have a doctor actually understand and know that it's "normal" for someone with GAD.

2. I am just a few days away from another embryo transfer and I've been really quiet about it this time. I don't know how I feel about it and I don't know what I expect. The doctor gave us a 70% success rate so that's good, but I'm not feeling all that excited or thrilled with the whole thing. I'm just kind of going through the motions. I think this will be my last IVF. I can't say that with complete certainty, but I will say I'm about 90% sure that this is it for me for a while. This brings me to the next thing…

3. We are looking into the possibility of adoption and if that is a good fit for our family. We don't qualify for any agencies in TX because we have 2 biological children, but I may have found another option that could work for us. I don't care about being pregnant and that isn't hugely important to me. We want more children and it doesn't matter if that child comes from my body or not.

4. We may have the car situation figured out. Hopefully we will be driving our new car by the end of the weekend. 

Now, for the love of God, do NOT ask me if I am pregnant or how I am feeling. I will talk about it when I'm ready and know how this is going to play out. I hate having to announce that I have miscarried yet again to the whole world. I haven't decided if I really want to talk about it or not on this blog. I only mentioned it now because some of you have been thinking of us and praying for us and I am forever grateful. I could really use those prayers during our transfer Thursday morning and that these little babies stick! 

Fitbit

I love my Fitbit. Seriously. Like, in a slightly unhealthy way. My goal is to get in around 75,000 steps a week right now. Some weeks I get more and sometimes I get less, but in general I can easily get between 70-80,000 a week without any issues. I realized today that I have done a workout of some sort every day for the past 3 weeks! In celebration, I took today off and went shopping with a friend. I walked about 6,000 steps at the mall. In heels. I used to wear heels all the time and it didn't hurt my feet at all, but I was feeling it when I got home today! I was on my feet all day with the shopping and waiting for her to get her extensions put in. I'm contemplating getting them myself now! They are super hot (and expensive)!
My hair is so curly though that I would have to get really long ones and curl them every day. That may be more work than I'm willing to put in every day.

Anyways, my Fitbit is awesome. I would replace it in about 2 seconds if it died on me. It keeps me accountable and encourages me to keep moving. I've also been killing it on my diet lately. I haven't gotten on the scale lately, but my pants are getting too big and my friend noticed that I looked thinner. Woo-hoo! She also told me that IVF meds make me crazy bloated and look awful. That's why I love her. I don't have to question if she's bullshitting me.

So here's proof of my epic week last week. 100,000 steps bitches!

Recovering From Christmas

Yeah I'm still here. Christmas seriously just puts me behind by several weeks. We stayed home for Christmas Day this year and had a perfect white Christmas. The kids opened presents, mom and dad assembled everything, and then they played outside in the snow. I never in a million years expected it to actually snow on Christmas. It was 80 degrees the week before! We were thankful for it though and the kids thought it made Christmas perfect.

After Christmas we made our trip to KS. My dad has had some serious health issues and wanted everyone home for his birthday so we made it happen. Our trip got cut short because of another snow storm moving in, but we got to see everyone. We decided that we need to start making more trips north to see everyone, but it's really hard right now. We desperately need a new car for one thing. Mine is at that point where I don't really trust it to drive that far unless its an emergency. We actually have been looking at cars for months with no luck. We really need something that seats 8. It's not unheard of that I would be driving 4 kids (both kids have friends where the sibling is friends with my other kid) plus a baby or two at some point. The kids like the Toyota Sienna, I think I prefer the Honda Odyssey, and Matt likes the Enclave. My issue with the Sienna is visibility. I seem to have several blind spots while driving any van, but less with the Odyssey. We haven't come across anything that is black, leather interior,, and under about $30,000. I refuse to pay more than $30,000 on a car just on principle. Otherwise, I would buy an Infiniti QX56. That's what I love.

The other issue is work. When you own your own business you don't get paid find off and missing a day is losing a lot of income for us. The kids are also not out of school much and Texas is really strict about how much they can miss per year. We also have gymnastics and Madison is finally agreeing to be more aggressive with that. It's just hard to coordinate everyone's schedules and the car situation. We are determined to try though.

That's what's going on in our house these days. Nothing terribly exciting. Just busy.