Not Ready

This morning I did something I wasn't sure if I could ever do. I went in for my appointment and Dr. G asked if I wanted to start meds today and transfer the 27th, and I said no. I'm not ready yet. So now the plan is that I will call on cycle day 1 whenever I am ready. I'm all cleared and ready to go whenever that time comes. Our embryos are excellent quality and he thinks our chances are great. The hesitation here is just me. I can't do this with Christmas and everything coming up. I need my sanity right now. Maybe in January. It will be soon, but not today.

Here We Go Again

About the time I was getting used to this whole break thing, it's over. I called Friday to ask if I needed to order meds in advance and to request my calendar for my next cycle. This morning I got a call back saying that Dr. G is unsure of what protocol to use so he wants me to come in Wednesday for an ultrasound and to work on a plan. There's a chance I may start BCP on Wednesday and that would be the beginning of my FET cycle. We could be looking at a transfer within the next 3 weeks! It all just depends on my ultrasound and what we end up deciding is the best course of action. I'm just kind of going with whatever happens. Last time I felt like my life revolved around the ivf process and this time it kind of feels like the ivf is just happening in the background. I'm running again and have goals for that, Madison has her party this weekend, and Christmas is right around the corner. I'm busy and I don't have time to devote everything to ivf right now. It will happen whenever the time is right and we will just throw it in the mix. I'm not planning around it though. I hope this works, but I'm willing to keep going forward if it doesn't.

Keep On Keeping On

It's been rather quiet around here lately! December is always a crazy month, and this year is no exception, but there's still a sense of calm because there are no doctors appointments, shots, or procedures scheduled in the immediate future. Our life isn't constantly being timed around Dr. G's schedule or phone calls from nurses. I think we really needed this break from the insanity. I need to call and figure out when to order meds again (my pharmacy is in New Jersey so I'm still having to order way in advance because they were pretty badly hit by Sandy) and I'll need to have an ultrasound soon-ish to verify that the 2 small cysts I had on my left ovary are gone before we proceed as well. When we do our FET cycle I only have to go in 4 times! Initial ultrasound, labs and ultrasound around day 11, transfer, and beta. They just thaw them and put them in. I'll still get stuck with needles every day for a while (progesterone) and I'll need estrogen (should be fun since that's what sets my blood pressure off…), but in general it's a pretty easy cycle. If it fails, we won't do a fresh cycle until March or April. I was considering putting off our frozen cycle until March, but the kids have been all over me about it lately. They really want a baby and lots of their classmates have new infant siblings so I know it's been hard for them. Even though Jack doesn't really understand it all yet, he knows we have to go to the doctor's office a lot to have a baby and he knows we haven't been for a few weeks. He asked me about it yesterday and I told him the lab is closed this month so we just have to wait. I said we were thinking about waiting until February before going back and he asked me why. I told him it's just a lot for mommy to go through and we have some things coming up that I don't want to miss out on because of doctors appointments. His answer to me was profound beyond his years and now I can't stop thinking about it. My 6 year old told me that we can't just stop doing something because it's hard and we're scared. That child I swear sees right through me sometimes. He's right on so many levels about this. We aren't getting any younger, and although my AMH level was a perfect 4, my eggs that were retrieved were not perfect. We are fighting an invisible clock and putting things on hold at this point is not a good idea. Being scared that it won't work is not a good reason to put things on hold and let the clock keep ticking. My body is not ready yet right now. This wasn't a failed cycle, it was a miscarriage. We needed to wait 1 full cycle, and then it just happened that they close the lab for the last 2 weeks of December for cleaning. The absolute soonest we can cycle is January at this point. It just depends on how things work out with my cycle and if I'll need to do suppression this time whether our transfer ends up being in January or February. But the bright side is that if it fails, we can do a fresh cycle almost immediately. A frozen cycle doesn't involve your ovaries so I can go straight to birth control pills after a negative beta and begin suppressing and do another retrieval and transfer in March/April. We are just setting aside the money as we have it just in case. 

I had an awesome run yesterday that I was pretty proud of. Since I had to take several weeks off, getting started again has been a challenge. I get frustrated because I can't run as fast or as far as I could before so I'm constantly pushing to try to get back to that point. Yesterday I did 3.1 miles in 38 minutes.  That's certainly not fast or terribly far, but I've learned from experience that as soon as I can run that 3.1 miles in 33 minutes, I can push my distance farther. My all time fastest 5K was 28 minutes, but that was a few years ago and I was running an indoor track. I don't have that luxury now. It's either outside or the treadmill. OMG I hate the treadmill. I've learned to be ok running on a treadmill, but it's not really my preference.

So that's it. I'm running, I'm dieting, and I'm going to keep plugging along at this baby thing. Time is going to keep passing one way or another so I may as well do something productive while it keeps passing.

WW Week 1

This last week has been great diet-wise. I'm honestly really liking WW and don't feel like I'm on a diet or struggling at all. Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, but as of Friday I was already down 2.4 pounds. I ran Mon/Weds/Fri and walked Tues/Thurs. I was dying during my run Friday and could not figure out what was wrong, but ended up sick over the weekend so now I know. I didn't work out all weekend and may not today. My throat is killing me and I'm so exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 last night. I missed Dexter and Walking Dead! We will have to catch up tonight!

Also, today my big girl turned 8. It's horribly depressing really. Only one more single digit birthday left for her! Eek!