In the Zone

This is the 3rd week I've put full effort into my diet and workouts again. I'm totally back in the zone of just doing it regardless of whether or not I like it. I can tell myself that it's just food and it's not worth it. I can pass up ice cream when everyone else around me is eating it and not really care because I have a goal and I'm extremely determined to get there. I think we all really want this process to be easier than it is, but it just isn't. I can't do half-hearted workouts and expect results and I can't eat sugar without it showing up on the scale. That's just my reality and I've finally come to the realization that this process just sucks, but the harder I work, the faster the weight will come off. I know it's not the end when I reach my goal weight again, but I do know that I'll get there a whole lot faster if I don't cheat. Cheating on a diet is just cheating yourself out of reaching your goals. I know for the last year my heart has not been in it and I haven't been focused. I've done the workouts, but I've spent every weekend eating crap and doing good during the week. Anyone who has ever been on a diet knows that this is a vicious cycle where you are gaining and losing the same weight all the damn time. If I can suck it up for a good 3-4 months and just not screw up on the weekends then I'll be at my goal and can gain and lose the same 2-3 pounds every week. That's called maintenance, not weight loss. I've been living in maintenance mode for the last year, but I failed to realize that the weight I want to be maintaining was about 40 lbs lighter than I am right now so I need to get to that weight again before I can maintain it! I'm officially weighing in on Mondays now to keep myself accountable on the weekend. That's really about the only way I can keep my shit together for those 2 days. I get on the scale every single day right now to keep myself in check, but I only record Monday's weight each week. So far I'm down 5 lbs as of Monday, so almost 2 lbs per week. That's 4-5 months of really hard work if I keep my shit together. There are no major trips or holidays in that time so I'm good. I've got this.

Revisiting the Past

This morning I was reading some old blog posts from the other site while my kids were trying to kill each other in the living room. I was curious at what point it really clicked with me and I was able to totally focus on my weight loss and you know what? There's no real answer. I was just really determined that I was going to make it happen somehow. I reached this place again a few weeks ago and I know I can do this because I have done it before. I need to quit worrying about what people think because I gained some weight back. At least it's only 40 lbs instead of 130 this time! I need to stop telling myself that it's ok if I never lose it all. It's not ok!!!

When I was reading the posts though it was interesting because I was reading what was really going through my head instead of what I wrote. I remember being happy with the number on the scale, but hating my body. I told myself that it was good enough to look good with clothes on, but it wasn't. I was so angry at the fact that I had lost the weight and still hated my body so much. I'm saving for a tummy tuck. Period. We aren't talking about a little bit of skin from pregnancies, we are talking 6-8 inches of skin being taken off my stomach. That's what they told me at my consult. I would need at least 6-8 inches removed. I should have done whatever it took to get it done. Instead I just said to myself that it didn't matter what I ate because my body was a wreck anyways. This time I am doing it with the knowledge of what I will be left with. And with a savings account ready to foot the bill for it.