Letting Go

I've decided that my weight will not control my life. I'm letting go. This is HARD for me. I am a slave to the scale and am absolutely neurotic about every calorie I put in my body. And guess what? It's not doing a damn bit of good. I'm at a point where I have to choose. I have to choose between depression and obsessing about weight. I realized yesterday how much this is affecting me. I cried all.damn.day. I haven't had a day like that since Memorial Day weekend. I didn't want to function, I was not capable of doing anything, and ended up taking 2 Xanex. The first one didn't even touch it. I waited until I had picked both kids up from school and knew I wouldn't have to drive anywhere or do much of anything. Xanex makes me not able to feel anything. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me not feel anything. I don't feel anger, sadness, happiness, fear, anxiety…nothing. At all. It's really not good and I HATE that feeling. I only use it as a very last resort.

It all started Monday morning when I had this horrible allergic reaction to absolutely nothing. I have no idea what caused it and neither does my doctor. I had hives, felt like I was on fire, and my throat swelled up. It was scary!! What makes it more scary is that there is no answer as to why it happened. I hadn't eaten anything or taken any medicine so it's a complete mystery. Since then I've just been a little off. Then Madi got sick (again…still… I don't know at this point) so I didn't sleep well Tuesday night. When I got on the scale Wednesday morning and it just hadn't moved at all for 2 weeks I just hit my breaking point. When the scale is what pushes me into a state of not being able to function, it's time to let go. If someone was dating a man that made her feel that way, everyone would tell her to break up with him. So I'm breaking up with my scale. It makes me feel bad about myself and makes me cry. So we are done. We can see each other occasionally. Maybe once every few weeks I'll check in just to make sure it's ok. I don't know. I don't have a plan for our future relationship. I just know our current relationship isn't working out.

I will still be kickboxing, boxing, running some, working out, lifting weights, and working out 5 days a week. I will do it because I love it. I love the people I work out with and the trainers I have come to trust. It's so nice to work out with people who will push you hard but make it fun! Because it's a private gym and all adults, the music is up for discussion and playlists are shared. It's fun! Oh, and it's not unusual to hear, "This bitch is crazy!" at least once during a workout. Love it. And, yesterday I got in a ring for the very first time ever. We were all just screwing around and there was certainly no real boxing happening, but it still felt good. This is my love.

I'll watch what I eat. I have a pretty good routine down as far as food in concerned. I eat the same things pretty much every day so it's not like my calories change all that much from day to day. I don't like to eat out because it puts calorie consumption out of my control and I'm too obsessive for that. It's just my personal choice. I hate not knowing what I'm putting in my body. We do have a few favorite places that we like to go though and I am tired of obsessing every time we go out for a meal. So, once a week I'm giving myself a reprieve. It's not an excuse to go all out and eat whatever I want. It's a meal where I won't obsess and will try to eat something reasonable that I enjoy.

Maybe weighing daily works for some people. Some people can handle seeing daily fluctuations of a pound or two. I can't. And I'm determined that I can lose weight WITHOUT being miserable the whole time. I have to. Because this isn't working.