Getting Older

There are so many ways in which getting older sucks. I am nowhere near old yet, but I'm starting to actually feel like I'm aging. I don't like it. First it started with the heartburn. I randomly started getting random bouts of heartburn after eating spicy or fried foods. Probably has something to do with that hiatal hernia they found when I was a teen. It used to not ever bother me. Just randomly I would throw up if I ate the wrong things or too much dairy. Now I have heartburn all the damn time! I like things with flavor so even on a salad I add salsa and I love tomatoes so I tend to eat a lot of tomato products. I love things like spicy soups and mexican food and I'm not quite willing to give them up yet. I did give up coffee for the most part though. That has helped some.

Oh, but then came the tiredness! Now at 9 PM I'm barely able to keep my eyes open. Last night I was in bed, asleep, at just after 8. This is particularly bad on workout days, but just in general I'm more tired. Twice this week I have been up in the middle of the night and not been able to go back to sleep. One night Jack woke up at 2 AM and was trying to watch tv so I had to go in there and get him back in bed. Then Madison woke up and was being a pain. 2 hours later I ended up with a headache from being up so long in the middle of the night. I finally got back to sleep at 5:30 only to have my alarm go off at 6:20. Luckily, Matt got the kids around and let me sleep until 7:30. Chances are I probably growled at him when he told me it was time to get up. I don't remember. I just got up long enough to pack lunches because I'm pretty sure they would have gone to school with a banana and some crackers if left to Matt. I don't even remember why I was up in the middle of the night earlier in the week. But after all that, I crashed at 8 last night. I could have gone to bed earlier, but I figured it wasn't good to go to bed before the kids. That's just sad.

Today I went to the dentist and for the first time in my life I have to have dental work done. It's nothing major, but for someone who has never had a cavity dental work is a foreign concept. It sucks.

So there you have it. I still love boxing. I'm still watching what I eat very carefully. I am still not going anywhere near the scale. My jeans I put on this morning are significantly looser and the butt is baggy and not very flattering at the moment. I'll take it. I sweat my ass off 3 days a week at boxing and do lighter workouts 2 days a week. I can't manage to workout very hard on those days between boxing classes. I'm ridiculously sore most of the time. It just doesn't work.

Letting Go

I've decided that my weight will not control my life. I'm letting go. This is HARD for me. I am a slave to the scale and am absolutely neurotic about every calorie I put in my body. And guess what? It's not doing a damn bit of good. I'm at a point where I have to choose. I have to choose between depression and obsessing about weight. I realized yesterday how much this is affecting me. I cried all.damn.day. I haven't had a day like that since Memorial Day weekend. I didn't want to function, I was not capable of doing anything, and ended up taking 2 Xanex. The first one didn't even touch it. I waited until I had picked both kids up from school and knew I wouldn't have to drive anywhere or do much of anything. Xanex makes me not able to feel anything. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me not feel anything. I don't feel anger, sadness, happiness, fear, anxiety…nothing. At all. It's really not good and I HATE that feeling. I only use it as a very last resort.

It all started Monday morning when I had this horrible allergic reaction to absolutely nothing. I have no idea what caused it and neither does my doctor. I had hives, felt like I was on fire, and my throat swelled up. It was scary!! What makes it more scary is that there is no answer as to why it happened. I hadn't eaten anything or taken any medicine so it's a complete mystery. Since then I've just been a little off. Then Madi got sick (again…still… I don't know at this point) so I didn't sleep well Tuesday night. When I got on the scale Wednesday morning and it just hadn't moved at all for 2 weeks I just hit my breaking point. When the scale is what pushes me into a state of not being able to function, it's time to let go. If someone was dating a man that made her feel that way, everyone would tell her to break up with him. So I'm breaking up with my scale. It makes me feel bad about myself and makes me cry. So we are done. We can see each other occasionally. Maybe once every few weeks I'll check in just to make sure it's ok. I don't know. I don't have a plan for our future relationship. I just know our current relationship isn't working out.

I will still be kickboxing, boxing, running some, working out, lifting weights, and working out 5 days a week. I will do it because I love it. I love the people I work out with and the trainers I have come to trust. It's so nice to work out with people who will push you hard but make it fun! Because it's a private gym and all adults, the music is up for discussion and playlists are shared. It's fun! Oh, and it's not unusual to hear, "This bitch is crazy!" at least once during a workout. Love it. And, yesterday I got in a ring for the very first time ever. We were all just screwing around and there was certainly no real boxing happening, but it still felt good. This is my love.

I'll watch what I eat. I have a pretty good routine down as far as food in concerned. I eat the same things pretty much every day so it's not like my calories change all that much from day to day. I don't like to eat out because it puts calorie consumption out of my control and I'm too obsessive for that. It's just my personal choice. I hate not knowing what I'm putting in my body. We do have a few favorite places that we like to go though and I am tired of obsessing every time we go out for a meal. So, once a week I'm giving myself a reprieve. It's not an excuse to go all out and eat whatever I want. It's a meal where I won't obsess and will try to eat something reasonable that I enjoy.

Maybe weighing daily works for some people. Some people can handle seeing daily fluctuations of a pound or two. I can't. And I'm determined that I can lose weight WITHOUT being miserable the whole time. I have to. Because this isn't working.

Another week down...

I made it through my third class today. I honestly don't know how. The man seriously loves squats and lunges. My lower body feels like it's being ripped in half. My calves feel like I have tiny pieces of glass that stab me every time I take a step. My inner thighs hurt so incredibly bad when I sit down. BUT, today he didn't make us do abs! So that's a plus. Instead we had to do 50+ squats, push-ups, and medicine ball lifts. And that was just the cool down. That was after sprints, boxing, kicking, lunges, squats, bear crawls, frog jumps, crab walking, burpees, and various other exercises that are just plain torturous! The highlight of this whole experience is having a trainer who will push me every single second. I burn 500+ calories in an hour. I sweat so much I look like I've been out in the rain for an hour. But it's actually fun! The people I go with are fun. The trainer is fun! After we were done today we were all talking about tattoos. These are my people.

That being said, I didn't even want to get out of bed today. I've gained 2 lbs since this week. I'm angry and frustrated at the scale. And yet, because I love this torture of a workout, I still wanted to go. Most days I'm really ok. I don't ever feel like I want to drive my car off the road and I'm not tempted to get a bottle of vodka and sit in a corner and drink. I haven't taken anything for depression or anxiety for a couple of months now and most days I'm ok. I have my moments, but overall I think I've done well. This morning was one of those moments where I just wished I didn't care. I wish I could just not care about my weight and be ok with the slow moving scale. That's not me. I care. I want to throw the damn thing out the window sometimes and it does affect me.

I feel better after a workout and a shower. I'm still mad at the scale. I'm working my butt off and there is nothing I want more than to be back to my "normal" weight. I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard. I don't know what else I could possibly do.

I Feel Pain So I'm Not Dead

Oh my God ya'll just have no idea how bad I hurt right now. The muscle soreness is one thing, but my knuckles are red and bleeding. I actually broke skin and bruised my knuckles today. I also feel like I have a massive case of carpel tunnel because my hands hurt to move. I know the worst of the muscle soreness hasn't hit and won't until tomorrow sometime, but I can feel it coming. It will probably be at it's worst when I head back in on Wednesday. And again Friday.

I won't lie. Within 5 minutes of class starting I was wondering if I had made a huge mistake. I didn't know if I could push through this type of workout and I was pretty certain that I had about a 50% chance of death while there. It was that bad. And then 5 minutes later he declared that our "warm-up" was over. Yeah. This was so different than anything I've ever done before with my workouts. This was bootcamp style boxing. There was running, burpees (Google it if you don't know the insanity of these..), push-ups, squats, and some other random burpee type moves that I had never even seen before. But then there's the hitting. I will torture myself with bootcamp style fitness for those glorious minutes when I get to hit and kick that bag with everything I've got. Hence the bleeding and red knuckles. I can uppercut, hook, punch, push kick, and roundhouse with the best of them. I would run a little faster during those laps to get back to my bag. Yes, I'm slightly crazy.

The biggest thing this gives me is that push to do more. I could never push myself to the point of near death workouts. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't know how. I still have that fear of pushing myself too far. It's very freeing to put that in someone else's hands and just do it. It's also very satisfying to know that I made it through today and I will continue to get better and better. This year's resolution has nothing to do with weight. Weight will come off with this class. I have no doubt about that. This is about bettering myself and knowing that I can push myself harder and do more. I'm not afraid to do the work. I also know that failure is not an option. Failure only happens when you stop trying. I'm in this for at least the next 12 months. I may not be perfect and I may not always love it, but I won't ever stop trying.

And I got my contacts today!! YAY!! Can't box with glasses. It just doesn't work. I got my first ever set of contacts and a new pair of designer sunglasses too. :)

If the last few days are any indicator of what the next year will bring, 2012 will be an amazing year. Bring it on!

That Didn't Take Long

Well, I made it through those doors Saturday morning. It's an amazing boxing club and I can't wait to thoroughly get my butt kicked by some very awesome boxers. I'm not normal in any way. I really do look forward to that feeling of "OHMYGOD I MAY DIE DURING THIS CLASS BUT I MUST KEEP MOVING!" When pushed to my limit, I will push past it. I will work harder and do more. I'm not so good at pushing myself to that limit though. I need someone who will tell me to do more. Throughout my entire weight loss process I have had those trainers and people in my life who would push me to do more. Chuck made me feel like I was going to die. Actually, sometimes I just wanted to die after a few hours with him! Oh how I miss Chuck. He was so nice and wonderful…until the workout started. There were a few times he had to help me off the floor after a workout. On the other hand, he always told me how proud he was of how hard I worked. If he told me to do 10, I'd do 11 just to prove I could. I never complained, whined, or moaned about any of it. I trusted that he knew my capabilities and wouldn't kill me. But, Chuck is 6 hours away so I'm on a mission to find a new trainer that will constantly push me harder. I want to be pushed to the limit. I look forward to this new little addition to my workouts. Hooping and boxing will be my 2 main workouts for a while. I hate machines as the gym. This is good for me. Very good.